It's been 28 days now and my body is deteriorated to shit. It will be beautiful soon. Took a while ha. Is this what it means to say 'let's skip to the good part'

She told me that we have to leave it at this. She was helpless. We'll that was her decision. Not mine. I have hope till this very moment.

But my last breathe is gonna say it as well. We have to leave it at this. Muaah (imaginary kiss, not vulgar, flying kiss)

I am afraid. Not of dying, but of being alone even after that. How funny is it. The only time you are certain of something is in this 1 life you get. And I'm expecting such things to happen in afterlife which no one is sure of.

Also I'm being a little selfish here. One part of me even asks me to take her with me. As if. I'm doing all this so that I can never hurt her or her family.

These days my sadistic part are leaking out slowly like splashing water. I laugh at things which are absolutely serious. Like my mom telling us about our dad's struggle when he was 20. Hahahahahahahahaa sorry mom, would you like to know about myself when I was 5. Guess not aye. I'm afraid of this as well.

Honestly I have been praying so hard these last few months. To convince her family for our marriage. I was praying all day today to hear that good news that they agreed.

She called some hours back. I was (you can imagine how it felt) shaking just to hear that line. But nah it didn't happen. Just a normal casual talk. I did my best to not show my psychological side or even talk about love. We talked for an hour. I called her again just to confirm whether she missed telling me anything else. But she said no. She laughed while we were on call. Her smile is the most precious thing I have seen in my lifetime.

I turned to God and laughed. What kind of indication is that. To me it felt like : that one time he did not put his cock in my ass so it can't be called rape aye!

I'll try to make sure that she don't get to hear my death. If I have made people smile around me throughout my lifetime might as well do so till the end. Fuck to the thought of what about me. Sometimes I feel like a fucking Jesus. Well atleasfhe wasn't raped. Noted!

Why do I keep mentioning rape all the time ? I dont know man, maybe habit, maybe I have not been raped enough so I keep using that word. "Ohh it's just rape, don't male a big deal out of it" aha haha! Sure sure bitches. At one time I started using rape as an excuse in my head for things that I never received like love, and all. At one time I was using rape as an excuse so that someone anyone can help me out of my loneliness. But mind me don't do that.

Today is April fool's day, nice plan god hahaha ha

No one should be so broken. Broken enough to watch the whole world burn with me just laughing, at the flames.

Some love are meant for 1 lifetime, 1 earthly timeline.

While some are meant for eternal, for no reason whatsoever. But for that kinda love I'm willing to do it over n over. It's either that or everything else. But every time I'll chose love cause I really know its importance.

Mental health 101

Dance. No matter what mental state you are in, plug your earphones and move your body. Just make sure you don't start crying along the way. Trust me it looks ugly!

Life is beautiful. So is love. I had a lil taste of it and I already feel full. But its about who is lucky enough to have it. Not everyone is meant for it. Think about it if everyone is gonna be happy who will take up the sadness. That's where people like me come in.

I dont feel anger towards this world or the people. I just merely laugh. It's really funny. I'm going romeo on my love and some dude is gonna have that love without making any effort at all. Lucky Bastard. I just hope he honors it. I'm going down with my past and there are still gonna be more going through the same shit.

Second thing I'm grateful about. Not just grateful, it's like my only dream was fulfilled.

Before going in details I should first tell what I really wanted or still wish for same. Its ACCEPTANCE. Just someone to hug me tight, and tell me "stop fighting kiddo, rest now. I'm here for you. Just rest on my lap and let me handle the rest. You have saved and suffered enough. Now let me take care of you."

Yeah finally I was able to take a glance at my wish. You guessed it- love. I think she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Though her smile was better than any kind of good feeling i have ever felt. She laughs as this is gonna be her last chance to do it. As if there's not gonna be any other moment.

It wasnt love at first sight at all. It was indeed her smile. Folks, can you imagine, being from such a background she accepted me. She accepted me and even went on to ask her family about our marriage. This was more than enough for me. I was not even sure that I can ever be blessed with even this much. Though it didnt go as planned im more than happy. I'm like the most happiest man right now. Finally accepted, finally.

Though some things upset me. It's you losers who have made this notion of moving on. If you pussies can't handle it and stay honest to your feelings keep it to yourself only. Don't spread it. She told me to move on. How dare she. Not her fault. It's just her perception of this era and its alright. Im a fault, a mistake for this era. She said never wait for anyone. Hahaha as if girl. That's not me 😏. I love you. I could have lived forever with just your memories forever. But the thing is im a jealous man. How can i see my girl with someone else having babies and all. I can bear my past and this I cannot. A man gotta stay a man not a pussy who moves on at slightest issues. That's ,atleast, my way of living and I'm fucking proud of you. I'm not like you other phonies. 21st century romeo aye!😉

If you ever get to read this. Atleast listen to yourself. Always follow your heart. It doesn't have to be me. Heck go back to your first love or whatever. I got no issues. Honestly I can never see tears in your eyes.

Thing is I can't compromise. I feel if you want to live a life that is not gonna be sad (that doesn't mean it's gonna be a happy one) just go with the flow, don't be stubborn for good stuffs, don't fight for anything. Hahaha fuck that. Thats not how I roll. It's my decision. I'm every proud of it.

I honestly wish to spend time with you in whatever place we go to after death. I promise I'll be waiting at the door from where all souls pass. But I'm scared what if you get into husband and kids. Fuck I won't be a hindrance. I sometimes wish I dont become a ghost cause I'm sure that I'll linger around you only! But again your family will piss me off.

Goodbye angel. Keep that smile for me. There's not much left of that anyway in this world. Can you maybe look up and smile every once in awhile. I'm in your debt for giving me so much. Be proud. You gave me something which no one else was ever able to do. I'll miss you forever if my mind is not erased by the universe. I'm proud that all my remaining love went to you cause I only had so much in reserve. Its honestly a miracle that I can even love. Sorry for sending you memes so often. I feel kinda relived just to see you active, last seen a sign that you r alive.

I think it happened for the best. You should never even be allowed to be in my presence. We belong from 2 totally different world. You should never get in touch with mine. I'm sorry I forgot my predicament and got enchanted by you. Quite mischief!

😊 thanks

Well atleast that proved that I didn't search online to prove my might! Now I need suggestions based on topic. Otherwise it's fine, loved your gesture.

Haha, got confused

I should stop this show of gathering sympathies (if that's what you call it!!) And talk of things I'm really grateful of.

Firstly I'm grateful for songs. Yeah. They were the only things I had in my best and in my worst. I have enjoyed music art from all culture whatsoever.

One particular artist that comes to my mind is Chester. We both had same predicament. That guy created something , left a legacy, but if you know his complete story he still wasn't able to cope with that. And I totally agree with what he did. His songs are a great help and helped me steer to live upto this point.

Fuck, am I calling Chester as one my reasons (inspired from 13 reasons why show) hahaha

Ugghh I'm so old to know that your username was once a river in Egyptian mythology. I have a nice paying job for God's sake. A software developer! I'm not here to reason but finding ways. So please don't bore me with this. Best if could suggest ways like I want.

But you r right about 1 thing. Autopsy is the final verdict. But then again it's the cause that matters, the process.

Anyway based on this what methods you are suggesting now ?

Accidents are the biggest cover up for a suicide. If your social media post is hello positive and with good vibes and you died in a car accident then that's an accident. Self poisoning can turn into food poisoning depending on your psychological behaviour and tendencies in last few days before death. Which me for 1 has complete master on

Recently posted pics from an amusement Park where I went 2 days back. Too much for amusement !

Honestly if they suspect suicide they will look for cause of depression. I somewhat blurted out this cause to many friends(not the part where it could lead to the end). And I don't want that cause to even know about this. One last good act! Also I would highly prefer it to be seemed like a normal death. One other last good act!

Again this is all to have an underlying condition. You see I don't care what lengths the authorities will push but I need to be careful from my end. And my parents didn't put me through anything. It's just that they are too naive to know anything, stupids.

Also there can be a hundred of reason a healthy people can die. Uncertainty. Pollution,covid there r a 100s like those cause.

So any suggestions based on that.

Duhh, cause its challenging and honestly I want it. So it's really imp. I don't want authorities to link it with people imp to me and also I have made so much efforts to keep things hidden from a very long time. Planning to keep it that way!

I can't even fucking say to be on my shoe and see for yourself to prove my decision right. Don't do it. I don't think you can go through that. My shoes won't even fit!

I have only 1 regret. Nah girl it's not marrying you. Couldn't be helped na ?! My regret is my lil sis. I wanted a sis. Then 1 day I was reminded how my rapist told me if only I was a girl and once saw my dad and sis meeting him and his family. I was just ready to kill if things even went a lil over the line. Gladly nothing happened. But I kinda let her in this mess. I always hope she don't ever get any of my karma. She should see life through her own hand. If she knew about me she would maybe proud of me. Always there for you sis but not together , it's lethal with me. Sometimes I ask whose fault is it that things turned out this way. I was kinda hoping that after all of this I might get something good out of it.

What if I faced all that just to find my love,a partner, someone like you girl. But to be with you, I just wonder what more than this do I have to go through with. I dont care about my mum dad cause their son died loooong time back. I just follow along as an obligation. Raped,sucked dick, licked my own vomit, saw 4 Yr old girl going through same, did the same out of insanity (but not like that, you can judge or take it anyway its not as if anyone was there to guide), I got my resume full!! Job please or should I say death please.

And maybe never leave your kid alone. You don't know what might kill him/her or leave broken forever. Its hard to find any love these days in this era. While I prepare my bed remember that! When I was bad I was baddest. When I turned good there was no good left anywhere else. Now the bad wanna take over. Before I let that happen it's gonna be adios amigo soon!!

What if I die while solving a sudoku, writing a joke or write some codes!! I have planned to call my way as AND( ARTIFICIAL NATURAL DEATH). it works for people who want to leave with no traces of suicide at all. Just clear calm unfortunate situation where nobody can be blamed.

After all this I live with my principles. With pain comes rules. I'm truly disgusted at this world now. Especially when someone says move on, time heals, success, blah blah bitchings. I'm a 21st century romeo. No one knows how hard it is for me to love or trust anybody. Well not there fault. Honestly I have no regrets, things never worked out well but I always did my best, ALWAYS. See lived as a warrior. I'll wait for some at the door of other side. And have tea party with hell mates telling stories. I have tons of things that can make me a party hero.

Instead of talking about my bullshit of life since childhood, but let's talk a lil! I have been raped from the times unknown to myself. Made choices to save others and got raped again. Couldn't save someone from the same. And there is no appreciation, but it will rip my family to shreds if I tell them. I enjoyed doing the same to others and there was no help. There was never any help. Being surrounded by everyone and still fought all alone. What if I tell everyone (might as well feel like slapping them) and then go. But again, I should finish with a lie as well. Let them rot and feel not more bad if they knew my past. I was hanging on hoping to find someone, lock all the pain away and give them the key. I could never lock it myself cause I always had the key. But time n time again I have been proved that nahh bro it is what it is. Well a warrior must rest and I'm done with saving people enough. Ahhh and atleast I met an angel before my death again proving at last there is no hope for me. If I go to someplace I would talk so much about my angel. I'm not doing it cause I can't take it anymore or bullshit but because I have kept some beast hidden and what if it gets out like before and so much suppression could cause a disaster. What if I become a molester killer terrorist. What if I'm not in my control. I have suppressed it once but its not gonna stop this time and come out roaring.