Reply to Friday Free Talk by alex

hermit_dragon wrote

I'm really sad about everything, always - but my catte is here trying to cuddle me

I wish more people in more places understood why a lot of us need 'safer' places, and would be more willing to consider how words shape thoughts, ideas, and culture

The first time I ever felt supported and accepted as a person who experienced lifelong repeated trauma, was the first time I saw a Trigger Warning on a post online. I was nearly 30. People had to explain to me what it meant. When I understood, I cried. Just started sobbing.

"you mean, people actually care about helping me navigate the world more safely for me, and are going out of their way, of their own free will, to do that?"

I could hardly believe it. My experience of the world was always of being told to get over it, toughen up, 'take a joke' - to handle all the trauma all alone, to never show I was effected, to always perform 'normal' so no-one else had to know. To silently leave when something caused flashbacks, dizziness, and collapse. To not ask for 'favors' because of my vulnerability. To negotiate daily hazards without any consideration that I could negotiate them better with some warning signs about what's up ahead.

It was transformative. I felt like people cared about people like me, for once. Same with communities starting to care about the language they use and avoid bigotry and the perpetuation of violent cultures (rape culture, etc). I had lived 30 years un-cared about and invisible, and suddenly I was seen, and mattered.

Idk. I feel so sad about things all the time. But there is a cat here to hug me, and there are people trying to make spaces safer for people like me, and that's important. It's hard and contentious and there's pushback everywhere - but hope it doesn't stop.


hermit_dragon wrote (edited )

Aww thank - fwiw furs (and otherkin, and anthro-animal-play-kinksters, and primals, with which there is huge overlap) are everywhere and so so many of them are marginalized peoples. Also postfurry is p cool.

(edited cause I misread the bit about Juggalos and North America lol)


hermit_dragon wrote

I'd red this, or an article like this before - but the art for this article reminded me of the suite of biometrics that can be collected once people are incarcerated (fingerprints, voiceprint, dna samples, etc).

Then I thought about how this collection of biometrics could enable planting and manipulating evidence to target people with prior convictions even more. How you could place a persons entire 'presence' where you want it. And I don't trust at all that that's not occurring. >_<


hermit_dragon wrote

Sometimes it can be challenging to find groups that aren't overrun with cis-het "alpha" men that think this means that anyone that's a sub/bottom should automatically submit to them.

Ugh this is so true - #1 reason I don't hang out in the wider scene anymore, or on Fetlife.

I'm really glad to have been helpful, navigating the politics of kink can be a real tangle, individually and as communities.

I think I might have some reading recs - I will see if I can dig them up and share them, mental batteries permitting!


hermit_dragon wrote

Is it okay to ask how this decision was reached? I support - I just have a personal interest in how this kinda thing is handled within communities as a survivor of CSA/ICSA.

Discussions here around moderation have been super helpful in learning where the boundaries are in this community and how to respond appropriately myself (still learning anti-hierarchical and restorative justice practices)

If this is the wrong place and I should ask about it in meta, apologies

Also thank you for all you do


hermit_dragon wrote (edited )

I'm a kinkster and I wish I wasn't too exhausted to get into deep detail - but I do know there's a lot of writing out there unpacking some aspects of the trickiness of BDSM as say, a feminist. And a lot of writing on the origins of BDSM in queer counter-culture. The politics of BDSM, especially of queer BDSM, are really interesting and involved, and I think you'll find a lot of revolutionary folks and praxis all wrapped up in that.

BDSM culture, community, politics and practice is a large, sprawling, complex world that simultaneously contains practices I abhor and culture I don't condone right alongside revolutionary, transcendent, rebellious, queer culture I love and practices I applaud. So many things fit under the simple 'Bondage, Discipline(Dominance, Submission)Sadism, Masochism' title - and a bunch of things don't neatly do so, and complicate it more.

So I guess I'm just trying to give you some jumping off points for further inquiry. I know there's a lot of radical queer BDSM folks writing about these things, so I'm sure you'll find some. I'd be surprised if there wasn't specifically anarchist kink culture out there, given the amount of queers, punks, antifascists, anarchists and leftists I know are in the scene?

On hierarchies - one part of kink is often about playing with and also processing and coping with the hierarchies that otherwise abuse us. For some folks, it's about re-taking power and pleasure in things that have been done non-consensually and violently. When we say 'consent counts' we're also talking about how consensual 'play' with hierarchy and control can help us heal from the trauma of imposed hierarchies/controls.

Absent of that, BDSM might not go away, but it might be different? It's so hard to say what things might be absent of the hierarchies that harm us. But I think it wouldn't disappear, just change, cause I think it's about more than just that bit. Really kink is so varied and so vast it's hard to be like 'it's about x' and leave it there.

For me, BDSM is transformative, liberating, transcendent - to be allowed for a time to give over to someone else all the things I hold and just be, stripped bare of all the pretenses, bullshit, and imposed control. To have a container in which for a time to freely express my self and desires, and be wholly myself. It's hard to explain, but it is what it is.

I know it's that for a lot of other folks too, and the place where we have the freedom to be 'deviant' - to deviate from imposed and unjust gender, sexual, and relationship norms. For a lot of folks it's radical practice - radical sex and relationships, a radical rejection of what we're told we should be, enjoy, love, and do.

I do think a BDSM culture that wholesale seeks to tear down unjust, unwanted, and non-consensual hierarchies would be a healthier one. The very same things that make it so liberating for some, make it a magnet for abusers ready to utilize the language and politics of BDSM to exploit others.

But I see that with any cultural/political movement - we see good leftist rhetoric or the rhetoric of social justice get manipulated in the same kind of ways in all our communities. So I don't think it's something individual to BDSM, but instead common to... things as they are right now.

(I know, I said I was too tired and this ended up long, but tbh it's still only scratching the surface, apologies for any weary incoherence - edits for spelling/mistakes)


hermit_dragon wrote

Thank you all so much, honestly all that was p scary for a bit and I'm super glad to see things can be sorted out. It's sad some transfem folks feel unsafe here now - I don't want to ignore that that's also an outcome, and one that I hope can be avoided in future.

For me, this has been a good lesson in transparency, accountability, and more. It's really good to see things being worked out in the open and (what I think is?) restorative justice practices going on? That things can get rough and also be okay (for a value of okay).

I've experienced a lot of community schism and in-community abuse and trauma over the last couple decades in queer/left spaces. This place has been modelling how these things don't have to mean everything falls apart forever, so far. It's transformative.

Thinking a lot lately about how things work (and don't) in communities largely made up of people who experience oppression, abuse, and trauma, and how we negotiate trust under those conditions, and work through all this stuff. Sorry for rambling, it's just that this experience in giving me a lot to sit with and be mindful about, and I'm still processing. But my main takeaway is hope.

Thank you admins, and mods, and community <3