condensation_arrangement

condensation_arrangement wrote

very interesting essay..i don't have a critique but it did remind me of when the locker room at the pool i went to growing up changed its rules: previously, children under 8 could go together with a parent of a different gender. then, it got changed to 6. it was weird trying to figure out the possible arguments and motivation behind the change. but anyway, i definitely am interested in this idea:

Communal showers at an early age would mean people who had long ago been exposed to the fleshy unremarkability of others' naked bodies.

and i think there's a lot you could say on sex & gender in this context. consider it for a future post maybe haha

6

condensation_arrangement OP wrote

This kind of communication is scary and vulnerable and unfortunately just takes lots practice and commitment—just like anything else worth having!

yes this is exactly what i mean! ---- it is deeply fulfilling to have friends with whom i can communicate like this -- in both directions.

however, i also know many people who do not do this --- understandable, as it's not easy and also not really socially acceptable in my experience. therefore, i am constantly concerned about 'missing a signal' or something like that. however, my idea was to abandon that and just focus just on communicating openly myself and doing what i think is socially right. then again, if i stop looking for signals or indirect communication from people, i worry about becoming just....annoying or insensitive. that's the tension i'm struggling with rn. maybe unresolvable idk

4

condensation_arrangement OP wrote

hmm i see what you mean. i think that i just don't trust my ability to feel it out in social situations. i never really know how to read indirect or nonverbal things, and plus the interpretations of those things are soo subjective. especially over text, i can't really just 'pick up' on things.

everyone uses social cues and communicates (texts) differently, so i feel like the path out of anxiety is not just learning the correct interpretations of things, if that makes sense. so i want my default belief to be that i'm not bothering others, but i fear that would make me obtuse, insensitive, and annoying.

so it's just the tension between being sensitive and being confident in my instincts that i'm struggling with. they seem opposed

You seem like a pleasant person

also thank you i try lol

5

condensation_arrangement wrote

oh yes sorry, i did misinterpret your original post -- i thought you meant meeting people in any context but you did ofc specify at restaurants.

i was also moreso addressing the reaction i've noticed (not from you) on social media to people doing reckless indoor activities. it's absolutely frustrating to see people flaunting the guidelines, but i do think some people have good reason to distrust public health guidelines, as well as people on social media telling them they can't go outside. i think it's essential for public health messaging to both build trust and give people realistic, low risk alternatives to their normal behavior. but i realize that's tangential to your original post

3

condensation_arrangement wrote

Reply to comment by catachresis in Getting ghosted sucks by catachresis

ohh i see what you mean. yes that is a tough situation because in person there's no real way to just check out of a convo, turn off notifications etc.

i think if it feels right its a good idea to just wait a couple days and then reach out to say that you want to keep talking but also will respect their space. that way you give them the opportunity to tell you if they're feeling socially overwhelmed or whatever. you're not obligated to do that though obviously... and they may not respond but then you will have been honest and open and that's all that you can rly do.

it's such a tough situation and im sorry this is happening to u. i wish it weren't so easy to just vanish. but that's the nature of meeting people online i guess

3

condensation_arrangement wrote

this has happened to me several times via tinder as well and it rEALLY sucks. idk if you do this as well, but i find that my unhealthy anxious instinct is to replay everything i said to try to figure out what i did to push them away. however, eventually i realized it isn't about what i did at all.

a couple times, these guys actually reappeared weeks later and explained. the reason was always something to do w/ them (not being ready, not being in a place to connect w someone in that way, etc). and i guarantee it's the same in your case. and if they ghost you because they just weren't into it, but they refuse to reject you in a kind/upfront way, that is on them.

i myself have not been able to internalize this yet bc rejection sensitivity is real and fucking awful. but we have to try to remember that being ghosted is not a reflection on us

5

condensation_arrangement wrote

taking california as an example, i think it makes more sense to think about distrust of government restrictions rather than only individual selfishness and ableism.

“It’s not because the public is irresponsible; it’s because they are losing trust in public health officials who put out arbitrary restrictions,” said Dr. Monica Gandhi, an infectious-disease specialist at UC San Francisco. “We are failing in our public health messaging.” la times article

and it's no wonder people are losing trust, as we see california's politicians getting around the covid restructions they set and quite literally dining inside at michelin starred restaurants with lobbyists

plus, for many young people like me stuck at home with bad family situations, going and taking a walk with a friend is really crucial to maintaining some semblance of mental wellbeing

spending time outdoors with a friend or 2 while all wearing masks is very low risk relative to going to an indoor restaurant. telling people to just stay inside and not meet anyone outside their household, in my estimation, will probably just drive people to more reckless behavior. it's the so called abstinence only approach

5

condensation_arrangement wrote

this definitely does start to answer my questions, thank you. it's something i need to keep thinking about.

i definitely agree that one's happiness is connected to that of others' around them. i guess maybe i'm more confused on what 'waste' means...if you spend money on yourself that you could have spent on others...when is that waste?

perhaps because the horror and destruction of colonialism is so vast and incomprehensible, people in the global north develop the attitude that relatively small, individual action (or money) can't possibly make a difference in reversing it. however, you make a good point about currency in the global north going further in the global south.

in terms of shame, i'm not sure i agree with you that it's useful in making people more ethical... then again, this is rooted in my almost exclusively negative interactions with it. tbqh, my parents' constant shaming of me about money and being frugal has definitely led me to make worse financial decisions. but perhaps it can be a useful tool in the right context. i would be interested to hear what you have to say about shame, but ofc that is a whole other conversation

4

condensation_arrangement wrote

it's so interesting that this idea was twisted from a leftwing critique of neoliberalism (Naomi Klein) into a rightwing conspiracy theory. the great reset theory goes: the global elite are using the pandemic as an opportunity to institute anti-capitalist policies......umm ....there are so many alt-right conspiracy theories like this...so close yet so far lol

2

condensation_arrangement wrote

i don't think so, although i have the same question as you...friends often have shamed me when i admit that i've bought things as a direct result of seeing an instagram ad...and i do know that's not ideal but i also know how manipulative advertising can be, and how difficult it is to detangle one's happiness from consumption

also, as ppl have pointed out, shame is not a useful tool in changing one's behavior. i personally, using the instagram ad example, think that instead of shaming myself, it helps to think (kindly) about the psychological process that leads me to waste money. then again, i still buy lots of skincare products to make myself happier, so i'm not one to advise u.

in terms of the rich, i tend to agree, but it's also not a great position because it's very difficult draw the line and say okay this person is rich enough that they should be shamed for wasting money.

also as a side note, i also do notice a pattern of pretentious rich ppl looking down on the frivolous uncontrolled spending of the masses -- see this article on minimalism. i think this is an attitude we should all try to avoid lol

3

condensation_arrangement wrote

in addition to lamps and plants, i think it can be fun to just print out design/art that's currently inspiring me...not good quality prints obvi but just to look at for motivation

also i know this is consumerist graphic designer behavior but if there's a rly pretty label/package for something i bought, i'll flatten it and put in on my wall. a better alternative might be to put up dried, flattened flowers

4

condensation_arrangement wrote

i really relate on this....if you're able to move out, my advice would be to just sleep at whatever time feels right and see if it makes a positive difference....after i graduated college i had a month left on my lease so i was just doing nothing and sleeping apx. noon til 9pm....it honestly made me feel soo much better mental health wise. now that i'm back home my parents are not okay with that schedule lol

sleep hygiene is important for sure...but i also think the only reason being nocturnal is 'unhealthy' is bc it doesn't follow normal work hours. one would hope ur future roommates would be understanding as long as ur not loud at night?

6

condensation_arrangement wrote

yeah i get that too ...i guess for me it becomes very cold, what with the stats and stuff...like looking at it say 200 ppl viewed you today and getting 1 or 2 msgs is kinda demoralizing....feels like im reading hotness data about myself lol

but yea it can go either way: either it reminds u that ppl wanting to have sex w/u isn't a determinant of self worth or it exaggerates that it is

(i also lost faith in it knowing that the founder isn't queer (i think?) and is against gay marriage ...makes it feel like we're a product)

4

condensation_arrangement wrote

woah that's really interesting bc i had the exact opposite experience... grindr has been decimating my body image and ability to feel attractive .... the beauty standards r so condensed into one specific type (hence the high number of faceless torso pics), and 'masc only' is something i see a lot even now... needless to say toxically masculine. maybe it would be a more fun experience if i was masc. so

My notions on immense beauty standards and toxic masculine ideals of sex were crushed.

i was shocked to read this about grindr hahaha. maybe it depends a lot on location ?

7