asterism

asterism wrote (edited )

you have things mixed together from two different posts one of which was not a problem at all, its very misleading, I would prefer there not be an account of this at all.

edit: let me state I wouldnt have a problem with an accurate account say if someone archived what was said. However that didnt happen so any account is going to be wildly innaccurate and since I am involved I would prefer either an accurate account or none at all.

obviously you can do as you will but thats my piece.

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asterism wrote

I personally didnt feel the first comments were sincere I may have been clouded by anger but I still stand by that.

I personally didnt think LL was out of line in that because I honestly was so angry I couldnt even respond and was grateful to feel stood up for.

I also think LL was right to make a mediation thread if only because of the possible effect her comments could have had on people that werent me.

I don't think I want to talk about this any more not saying you've oberstepped in anyway just saying that this is the last I will say about it. I stand by LLs actions. I regret Styx and Bloodrose left. I truly forgive and believe bloodrose and I just want to put this behind me.

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asterism wrote

I didnt think it was disproportinate. Styx took it as LL trying to get bloodrose banned. I didnt see it that way and I was thankful for LL because what was said was hurtful even if it wasnt intentional it did come across as defending abuse and I wanted someone else to recognize it. It was a big help to me.

Now I was all square with bloodrose after the apology she posted and I am sad she left. so its disapointing it turned out this way but I personally dont think anyone responded incorrectly

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asterism wrote

Reply to by !deleted30

Let me at least, in my words, explain what I was and am feeling. I have a lot of respect for you which is why this sucked so much for me. and all this stuff with my wife is so confusing because despite everything I really want to consider her feelings. Though in a sick irony its that very desire to consider hher feelings that controls me.

You know I know exactly why she does the things she does. Because she thinks she is worthless and unworthy because sshe thinks she is nothing. That all her value lies in the people she surrounds herself with. That's why she can't afford to lose me. Because in her mind without me she is nothing. And I can't help but feel so so sad for her. and everything in me wants to help her past that but I can't and I feel like I am losing myself to her.

and so then I vent about getting space from her. and you know I doubt myself I don't know if its thhe right thing to do. and I don't want to abandon her with the kids and I just hhave this swirl of emotions and its so damn hard because then you ttell me to consider her feelings and for once I want to consider my own you know? and I let that slide because I figured you didn't mean harm, that you weren't really thinking about the context. But it stung.

But then I explained all the ways she tries to manipulate me to keep me isolated. You know she really only wants me to be friends with people she knows, or rather with males she knows? It was a script that has played out in various forms over the decade we've been together a script I know well. A script she uses on her friendds (minus the cheating aspects obvi).

and then you fuicking validated all her feelings on this.

and then you fucking told me about how every man in your life was basically waiting to pounce as soon as you broke up. how you don't find any man trustworthy.

and what was I supposed to take from that? Because it seemed (whether it was your intent or not ) that you were saying my wife was right to tell me all this manipulative shit. That she was right to expect me to be a cheater.

That really hurt me. Like I don't know if I can convey how much that hurt. It doesn't help that for a long time I believed that lie that SHE fed to me, that I was inherently fucked up and that if the conditions were right I would cheat with no hesitation. That's why she always says she trusts me but not other women because I am trustworth its just men can't help themselves when the conditions are right so its the women she ddoesn't trust. But that's never been who I am. God knows sometimes I wish I was vindictive and capable of cheating because you know I really want my wife to hurt for the way she has treated me but I don't have it in me to be that way.

It isn't who I am and to have you say that I was hurt so bad.

and honestly I would have fiucking cried but I coiuldn't because I was at work. So I just had to suck it up the whole day.

For what its worth I do belive you. That you weren't actually trying to say that thhat you were just being thoughtless.

I'd be lying if I said I don't feel hurt still but I forgive you and I want things to resume the way they were.

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asterism wrote (edited )

I probably have lots to say but I have to process for awhile I think.

I will say I feel exactly as Lettuceleafers states. It felt like I was being treated as if I was inherently a cheater when that whole concept is the exact one my wife is trying to use to control me. This was harmful to me. I didnt appreciate it.

I always try to take feminists seriously because I aint always convinced that I have put masculinity in its various forms behind me. I also tried to give bloodrose the benefit of the doubt. But this, as LL mentions, was the last and worst in a series of comments that have invalidated my experience.

I think thats all I can say for now.

I put this here just so you all know LL is NOT putting words/feelings into my mouth

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asterism OP wrote

This is how she has been from the beginning when my heart was 110% in it. This is who she is. This is the way she treats her friends when they hang out with people that arent her. This is not my fault, this is not my problem. I am as loyal as a fucking dog and I fucking hate that about myself I do not deserve this.

Please stop taking my wife's side on everything.

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asterism OP wrote

I don't even feel a tiny built guilty. I wouldnt have to lie so much if I was with someone I could trust.

fuck I think I need to read what I just typed a couple more times. Fuckin hell.

anyway I agree with you. I have a few reasons for wanting to do this. The biggest reason is because sometimes our relationship (despite my inner turmoil) seems alright, pleasant even. This is because I lie. I need to see how bad things really are.

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asterism OP wrote

Yeah that's exactly it. and those parents probably laugh because they don't believe anyone will ever follow through, because they too have had similar experiences.

I know if someone offered that to me thats exactly what I would think anyway.

Heck I have trouble getting people to watch my kids for more than five minutes, they dont seem to have the attention span for it.

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asterism OP wrote

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asterism OP wrote (edited )

yeah, everytime someone says, "it takes a village" some of my soul dies.

Where the FUCK is the village! Cause it sure takes more than two people to make one.

edit: well technically I suppose you could eventrually make a village with two people but you know what I mean.

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asterism OP wrote

at holidays my kid is more work but the baby is less or no work because peole want to help with the baby.

Typically I get stuck doing everything for my kid on the Holiday while my wife talks with her relatives (my wife even acknowledges this). Like I dont even talk to anyone I just follow mt kid around the whole time. So I wouldnt feel bad about it.

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