Xylanthius OP wrote

Only if you are hostile will I feel my intelligence insulted.

That explanation did help.

I’m not knowledgeable to a lot of the stuff that is talked about on here I just live with the feelings of wrongness.

So as long as you are not hostile I’m not going to feel insulted. I know this feels wrong but I don’t understand why.

Egos are kind of toxic. Everything is in transit.


Xylanthius OP wrote

No it wasn't supposed to be funny it was a genuine question. Two genuine questions. Like... i don't want to make you insecure by asking, but I'm not sure what you mean by being misunderstood. like in what way?

it makes me insecure to make other people insecure. :-(


Xylanthius OP wrote

Not conforming to female beauty standards totally has a negative effect on how people perceive and interact with you. It sucks.

By the way why after you have a child you gain weight? Does your metabolism slow down after that? Why do some women gain weight permanently and others do not?


Xylanthius OP wrote

Thank you for sharing this.

Are you really fat though? or do you just think you are fat? how fat is fat? What do you think fat is?

I think i am fat, but my therapist says i'm not fat. I have a lot of shame surrounding my weight. and anxiety. I think i'm fat, but i know i'm not fat, but i think i am. it's hard to explain. My thoughts should be filled with something besides what i look like. it gives me a lot of anxiety.

my therapist tells me that many many women would just be dying to look like me. men sometimes stop me at the grocery store to tell me i'm beautiful and to ask me for my number randomly. the other day i was washing my car and a man gave me a handfull of tokens and told me this was for the next time i come and to come back soon. another time when i was washing my car a man came up to me and gave me a shammy and asked me for my phone number. the mail man asked me what my name was at my work and told me that i looked fine. yet i have extreme extreme anxiety about the way i look that it significantly decreases the quality of my life.

i sometimes feel like i need to be hypnotized or something. i wonder if this is a common experience amongst women, or if it's just my crazy crazy head to feel this way. whenever i see someone with a camera i hide and run and hide and i make for certainly sure that i am no where near range of coming into contact with the scope of the other side of the lens because i don't ever want my ugliness to be captured. it's terrifying to me that someone would be able to see me. I would wear a mask if i could.


Xylanthius OP wrote

The degree and career part i think would be easy if it weren't for the impossible beauty standards that distract from these pursuits.

it's harder to be beautiful than to be successful. unfortunately as a woman it seems like you are more successful as a beauty.

Am i the only woman with this experience? I'm not sure what other women go through because it seems like something we can't really talk about because it's so shallow.

All the women at my work wear makeup and heels, but i couldn't do that day in and day out. i tried at my last job, and i had to wake up like an hour earlier, and it just sucked. i even got good at putting my makeup on in the car to save time as dangerous as it is, but it's still an added stress not only to mention that that stuff clogs your pores and makes you even uglier. but other women... it's like we aren't allowed to talk about this. we all have to act like we just woke up this way, or even though we spend a half an hour or an hour or whatever with the beauty duty every day, we can't really acknowledge it because it's shameful how shallow it is. i'm not really sure actually what it is... it's all very confusing.

i'm not sure if i'm the only one with this experience though. it seems like it's so easy and natural for other women. are they faking it, or were they just born beautiful, or do i have some kind of mental illness that makes me perceive things as not what they actually are? I'm not really sure if i'm the only one living within this hell.

I'm really glad I learned how to draw because it really helps me deal with this hell my mind traps myself in sometimes. is it my mind or is it the world or is my mind creating the world as i see it? what is real? does anyone know?


Xylanthius OP wrote

Adblocker...please don't take offense to this, but I don't think the pregnancy analogy adds up. :-)

it takes nine months to have a baby. we aren't cats dude. we can do one at a time with one man at a time. X)

men kind of have the upper hand on the baby making dynamic. they have those potent and infinite baby making gun appendages.

maybe i'm not understanding what you are saying exactly. one man can impregnate many women at the same time infinitely, but one woman can be impregnated by one man at one time that she has to live with for a long time and the whole bonding experience of that thing living off of her body for whatever amount of time and weighing on her physical and emotional health.

maybe i don't understand what you are saying, or i'm reading it wrong. :-)


Xylanthius OP wrote

"most men crave the validation of women and are largely expressing frustration with their inability to communicate or understand each other."

But what about old women? Or do men just crave the validation of young pretty women?

I appreciate that you share your honest opinion even though it doesn't seem to be a popular one. I wanted people to open up about this regardless of what they feel. I didn't downvote you and i appreciate your honest opinion.

I just learned that at the end of the day we are all really victims of toxic patriarchy even though it does seem most of us agree that it is more challenging for women. We all suffer on some level.

As a woman I feel like a failure if i'm not pretty. being beautiful is kind of our highest value in the world. We talk about how women can do this and that, but regardless it wasn't even that long ago that it was even in open advertisements that this was a woman's true worth. Like in our parents' day. You would open up a magazine and the ads said in a very overt way your husband is going to leave you if you get fat. he loves her because she wears lipstick while she dusts the kitchen table.

now the ads are much more subtle, but we still feel it. i'm really sensitive to that. it's fucked with my head on so many levels. you subconsciously normalize it. my therapist tells me i'm an attractive woman, but if i didn't have to go to work five days a week most days i wouldn't even go out because i'm scared because i think i am unattractive which significantly lowers my quality of life. the pressure of having to be beautiful which is actually something that is beyond my control what genetics I was born with.

i empathize with all people who are victims of toxic patriarchy, and i want to hear what other men have to say about it. i want to hear about why and how they suffer because i want to empathize with them. i want us to be on the same page fighting this together on some level at least.

as a woman i feel very scared, guilty, ashamed... i feel it on a physical level. i feel it like a pressure in my heart, on my chest. sometimes it inhibits my breathing.

people tell me all the time i'm pretty. men stop me in the street, give me things. sometimes men ask me for my number in the grocery store or tell me i'm beautiful.. but i live with an overwhelming shame and guilt of what i'm not sure if i'm just crazy or if this is the experience of being a woman in this post-liberal feminism modern society world.

Is it possible to be a "success" as a woman? Even if you have kids, you still go through menopause if you live long enough. And what success is having kids anyway? I'm not sure. I don't have any.

Men reject women in a big way in the dating world though.

But in the end we are all really just victims of toxic patriarchy, right? All these feelings of inadequacy stem from that, don't they? All these societal pressures and stigmas. They all seem to stem from this unsustainable war creating system. right? Do you think so?


Xylanthius OP wrote

Downvoting? Other thread? I'm not sure what you are talking about.

I don't downvote anyone, and my intention is just to have a legitimate open discussion about things that I don't really have an open safe space to talk about irl.

I know compassion is a challenge within this world. I just learned that we are all victims of toxic patriarchy.


Xylanthius OP wrote

"A recent discussion with mom shed some light on how community-internal colorism and other racialized phenotype-based/lookist hierarchies can manifest among Ashkenazim."

This is a little over my head as i'm not sure what you are talking about.

I have jewishy features, too. I'm half jewish. I'm really insecure about my jewish features. I often wonder if they are really that ugly or if the world is just really racist.

still racist against jewish people.

I feel like we are considered the ugliest people on the planet.

Do you feel that way too?

Are we really ugly? or is the world just racist?


Xylanthius OP wrote

That's cool that you were brave enough to go into science world in the first place.

isn't that surreal that i use the word brave to describe that choice?

It wasn't that long ago that women weren't really allowed to do anything. 100 years ago women weren't even allowed to make art really. If they did they were incredibly looked down upon, and they didn't get married. it was like something that they did only to attract a husband, and then after that their only purpose and allowable activity was for domesticated duties until they died from childbirth complications or something.

I wonder what it will be like 100 years from now.


Xylanthius OP wrote (edited )

No it's not, is it?

Men don't go through menopause, and they are not objectified in the same ways either.

They don't have those countdowns for when men turn 18 and stuff..

Yes there are some men getting botox, but I don't think you can really compare the amount of men getting invasive and non invasive cosmetic procedures, salons, nails, dye, chemicals, everything else that the women feel obligated to get like it's not even a choice.

I live in the city now. it's funny, but i feel out of place because i don't have fake nails. I always think about getting them done. They make doing things harder like typing which is an important aspect of my city office job. it's also an important aspect for the women i work with though. so even though it's not practical, they still do it. I'm not even sure how much better it makes us look other than that it's fashionable and makes us look more expensive or something? I don't really get it, but I still feel like it's a standard of beauty i'm wanting to live up to.

another thing is high heels. Why do high heels look better? I'm not sure. I see the women in the office hobbling around in them all day long. it hurts me to see them. I can't wear them. they hurt my feet. it's not something i can justify. i guess they look more polished, but i don't understand why they do. i'm just conditioned to think that way or something.

women look like different creatures though after they go through menopause. it's scary. i'm scared. i'm not scared of dying, but i'm scared of menopause. i don't know why. it feels like a shameful experience.