Tecate_Coyote wrote

Genuinely, I really like The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I know! She's a horrible person but goddamn that bitch can WRITE. There are several different plotlines that run parallel, multidecade character development, and an analysis of human archetypes that I enjoyed. It's an absolute tome of a novel and took me a month and half to get through.


Tecate_Coyote wrote

i think there is a middle ground where through intentional thought you create the bounds of what your madness will spur you to do.

I steal a lot and at this point it’s in my muscle memory to assess camera location, where the clerks are, whether i seem suspect or not (thats the logic side) and the madness inspires the actual action of moving something into my pocket.

or with anything you want to get away with, as I assume the praxis you’re doing is illegal as otherwise why would you care about opsec and plans, start small and easy.

like if you’re end goal is to rob a bank and distribute the wealth to the local homeless guy Joe Bob, start with planning out how you’re going to steal some socks from the local dick’s and give that to someone. and then build off it, so that when your plans seem so grandiose and crazy and your palms are sweaty and you’re a lil paranoid, you can look back at what you did successfully and say “hey, maybe i am a capable human and it’s within my reach to actualize this dream”


Tecate_Coyote OP wrote

i’m not playing by the rules haha. i steal all my groceries. i live in my car. i grow my hair long and kiss boys and do the things i enjoy. the rules i’m breaking are the ones i grew up with that created a person i wasn’t happy with. honestly, even going to college breaks those rules.

i’m in college because i read this book a few months ago, Atomic Habits by James Clear, and he talked about how you subconsciously adopt the habits of the groups you inhabit. i wanted to be around the kind of people who go college and so i went.

i’m at an incredibly specific college that offers the only degree of its kind in this country. it is bizarrely a community college. but i’m not the only one who gave up everything to be here. there is a trio of three friends from california who came here when i did. another from montana. chicago. this program specifically brings together misfits from all across the country who share the same passion.

i don’t care about relaxing. i’ve done enough of that already. i relaxed my way into 17k in credit card debt haha. i relaxed my way into being a complacent person with no dreams and few friends.

the miscommunication here is that you assumed i’m going to college for a good job. i’m going to college because it represents conquering something that has always held me back- i quit. i’m afraid.

i’m in college because its the thing i’m afraid of most. i’m afraid of trying to learn and failing.

i didn’t learn how to ollie a skateboard until this year. its an analogy- in skating, you’ll never land a trick if you don’t commit. but committing gets you hurt at the same time. college is the ollie for me. getting a degree is landing a hard ass trick just for the sake of “i wanted to.”

does that make more sense?


Tecate_Coyote OP wrote

there was this guy named Wylie. Also blonde, had this massive calves because he biked everywhere. he was schizophrenic but also an accomplished programmer. he talked to me a lot about the kaballah and vedic texts. had a chip on his shoulder about women. he said its because he grew up in a female empowered commune in Vancouver.

there was another fella who had been in austin since 1985. he walked with a limp and had an arm brace and a long goatee. he had been beaten up a few days earlier by some other homeless and they had stolen his stuff. he had gotten a new debit card but needed a phone to set it up. i called the line for him and they had me on hold for an hour before it disconnected. he could also play the guitar. well! he had moved to austin for the music scene he told me and had a few albums out. it never went anywhere but i felt it when i was listening to him. i felt that he was someone who had dedicated his life to music.

there was also a guy, i dont think he was homeless, just a busker, maybe mid 50’s who was a willie nelson impersonator. he played the guitar and would throw in unsavory lyrics. he left a bad taste in my mouth. you ever meet people that have manufactured their personality to be someone who is liked? he just didnt seem genuine, even when he took off the act.


Tecate_Coyote wrote

when i was an emt i transported a guy from the hospital back to his home. he was a big man, around 400 lbs and older, around 45. he was nice and asked about me, if I’d always lived in Kansas City or if I had moved from somewhere. I told him that I used to live in Connecticut. He said “Really? If I had ever left, that’s where I would have gone. I just liked the name.”

He hadn’t ever left the city he grew up in. He lived in a small apartment on the 3rd story and sat in this big lay z boy chair that had stains in the shape of his butt.

i bring this up because the way the man talked about Connecticut, it was in the same way you’re talking about your bucket list of things you missed out on.

i wish you luck.

on the party front- if you go alone, you’ll probably be alone the whole time unless you try to meet people. i go to festivals alone often. its a good time but it made me feel sad at first. you get over it.

drugs are fun. alcohol is fun but i enjoy it the most when i’m with friends. weed, acid and ketamine i have used alone and had an introspective pleasant time with. coke is silly.


Tecate_Coyote wrote

Reply to Yes by ziq

adobe is the bomb. i miss building sustainable homes. took a class on green architecture a few years back and it went over a lot of indigenous methods of construction


Tecate_Coyote wrote

I held a lot of hate in my heart towards some men that had hurt me. It consumed my entire being for months and it took over a year to fully let go. The hate gave me the energy to be complacent oddly enough. I should have just moved out and moved on. But it was a good lesson.

Its unfortunate but I think we have to sacrifice opportunity to learn. We have to lose friends to figure out how not to lose others. We have to get taken advantage of to figure out how to protect ourselves.

There is this great book "peace in every step" by thich nhat hanh. It has some lovely lessons about accepting suffering, mindfulness, and lots of other little bits. Its helped me a lot after a big break up a couple months ago. I'm not over her but I'm growing a lot.

Anyways, wall of text later, I guess I'm trying to say that time is spent. And we have to accept the way we spent it or we will be inflicting suffering on ourselves that doesn't need to be felt. But we have infinite choices in every moment and so I have to ask- are you reading now?