Tecate_Coyote

Tecate_Coyote wrote

Reply to by soairse

A few things. I don’t like using the language of psychiatry because of the violence implicit in it. But these thoughts your experiencing are intrusive. Often times, if a thought is violent and prolonged, it is trying to shout over a smaller more concise thought. The smaller thought is substantially more terrifying but brings a final solution with it. (This is called exposure therapy)

You resent living in a male body. Analyze the idea of modifying your vessel. Is it the physical organ, the penis that is making you uncomfortable? Is it that your body is associated with masculine culture and with male violence? Is your mind sick with itself for having these emotions that are associated with violence?

In that paragraph above I discussed three distinct aspects of gender. The literal nature of the vessel. The relationship that body and other bodies like it in society have. And finally, the relationship between the soul, hormones, and the thought process between them.

What are the alternatives? Each solution is providing relief to a specific incongruity. By modifying pronouns and your clothing, you can signal to other women that you aren’t a man, just born as one. But that only works if you’re trans.

It is very possible that you are simply a man that is paralyzingly empathetic and feel the pain other men bring women. And you want to signal to other people “No, i’m not like that”. Here is where hormones would trigger an impulsive thought that would make you feel disgusted with yourself for being exactly like other men are.

The issue here is that I don’t think you are aware distinctly about what is causing disgust inside you. Follow that sickly feeling, roll it around on your tongue, and you will find it. Now be overwhelmingly gentle to yourself. You are enough. You are not going to hurt people. You are in control.

Ultimately, male violence (singular) comes from a man with power losing empathy and control over himself and doing what he wants. When have you lost control of yourself in the past?

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Tecate_Coyote wrote

Reply to Friday FREE TALK by kano

I’m a crazy wacko and all but it seems like everyone is having a tough time. Scorpio season into sag tends to be difficult. If we’re talking quantum entanglement, I think a lot of us are feeling the genocide in Gaza too.

I inhaled a bunch of broken glass on accident the other day and my lungs feel awful. I haven’t been to a real doctor since 2020. Just trying to keep a logical head on me about my habits; brushing teeth, drinking water, exercising. Still smoking a ton of weed though and using a vape.

My partner had a seizure the other night and displaced a rib so badly she couldn’t breathe on her right side till I pushed it back into place. I quit my job recently so luckily I’ve been able to provide better care.

We took a family in that had been car homeless for the holidays and its been a tough transition. They’re good people and I’m glad we provide a place to stay but its painfully obvious the mom doesn’t understand her autistic son. He’s nonverbal and she yells at him when she makes noise instead of redirecting. Takes the stuff he grabs and yells at him. Just a lot of yelling in general.

I’m gonna try to tackle cleaning and organizing my room today. Its gotten out of hand and I can tell visitors are uncomfortable when they come over.

It’ll be one year Dec 1st since I was last homeless. I have to remind myself to be proud of my progress.

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Tecate_Coyote wrote

Genuinely, I really like The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I know! She's a horrible person but goddamn that bitch can WRITE. There are several different plotlines that run parallel, multidecade character development, and an analysis of human archetypes that I enjoyed. It's an absolute tome of a novel and took me a month and half to get through.

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Tecate_Coyote wrote

i think there is a middle ground where through intentional thought you create the bounds of what your madness will spur you to do.

I steal a lot and at this point it’s in my muscle memory to assess camera location, where the clerks are, whether i seem suspect or not (thats the logic side) and the madness inspires the actual action of moving something into my pocket.

or with anything you want to get away with, as I assume the praxis you’re doing is illegal as otherwise why would you care about opsec and plans, start small and easy.

like if you’re end goal is to rob a bank and distribute the wealth to the local homeless guy Joe Bob, start with planning out how you’re going to steal some socks from the local dick’s and give that to someone. and then build off it, so that when your plans seem so grandiose and crazy and your palms are sweaty and you’re a lil paranoid, you can look back at what you did successfully and say “hey, maybe i am a capable human and it’s within my reach to actualize this dream”

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Tecate_Coyote OP wrote

i’m not playing by the rules haha. i steal all my groceries. i live in my car. i grow my hair long and kiss boys and do the things i enjoy. the rules i’m breaking are the ones i grew up with that created a person i wasn’t happy with. honestly, even going to college breaks those rules.

i’m in college because i read this book a few months ago, Atomic Habits by James Clear, and he talked about how you subconsciously adopt the habits of the groups you inhabit. i wanted to be around the kind of people who go college and so i went.

i’m at an incredibly specific college that offers the only degree of its kind in this country. it is bizarrely a community college. but i’m not the only one who gave up everything to be here. there is a trio of three friends from california who came here when i did. another from montana. chicago. this program specifically brings together misfits from all across the country who share the same passion.

i don’t care about relaxing. i’ve done enough of that already. i relaxed my way into 17k in credit card debt haha. i relaxed my way into being a complacent person with no dreams and few friends.

the miscommunication here is that you assumed i’m going to college for a good job. i’m going to college because it represents conquering something that has always held me back- i quit. i’m afraid.

i’m in college because its the thing i’m afraid of most. i’m afraid of trying to learn and failing.

i didn’t learn how to ollie a skateboard until this year. its an analogy- in skating, you’ll never land a trick if you don’t commit. but committing gets you hurt at the same time. college is the ollie for me. getting a degree is landing a hard ass trick just for the sake of “i wanted to.”

does that make more sense?

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Tecate_Coyote OP wrote

there was this guy named Wylie. Also blonde, had this massive calves because he biked everywhere. he was schizophrenic but also an accomplished programmer. he talked to me a lot about the kaballah and vedic texts. had a chip on his shoulder about women. he said its because he grew up in a female empowered commune in Vancouver.

there was another fella who had been in austin since 1985. he walked with a limp and had an arm brace and a long goatee. he had been beaten up a few days earlier by some other homeless and they had stolen his stuff. he had gotten a new debit card but needed a phone to set it up. i called the line for him and they had me on hold for an hour before it disconnected. he could also play the guitar. well! he had moved to austin for the music scene he told me and had a few albums out. it never went anywhere but i felt it when i was listening to him. i felt that he was someone who had dedicated his life to music.

there was also a guy, i dont think he was homeless, just a busker, maybe mid 50’s who was a willie nelson impersonator. he played the guitar and would throw in unsavory lyrics. he left a bad taste in my mouth. you ever meet people that have manufactured their personality to be someone who is liked? he just didnt seem genuine, even when he took off the act.

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Tecate_Coyote wrote

when i was an emt i transported a guy from the hospital back to his home. he was a big man, around 400 lbs and older, around 45. he was nice and asked about me, if I’d always lived in Kansas City or if I had moved from somewhere. I told him that I used to live in Connecticut. He said “Really? If I had ever left, that’s where I would have gone. I just liked the name.”

He hadn’t ever left the city he grew up in. He lived in a small apartment on the 3rd story and sat in this big lay z boy chair that had stains in the shape of his butt.

i bring this up because the way the man talked about Connecticut, it was in the same way you’re talking about your bucket list of things you missed out on.

i wish you luck.

on the party front- if you go alone, you’ll probably be alone the whole time unless you try to meet people. i go to festivals alone often. its a good time but it made me feel sad at first. you get over it.

drugs are fun. alcohol is fun but i enjoy it the most when i’m with friends. weed, acid and ketamine i have used alone and had an introspective pleasant time with. coke is silly.

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