El_Burrito
El_Burrito wrote
Reply to comment by !deleted31767 in damn you guys really fucked up by zerkcs93
literally on a full screen monitor, look over to the left for like two seconds
El_Burrito wrote
Reply to comment by !deleted31767 in damn you guys really fucked up by zerkcs93
god thankyou
El_Burrito OP wrote
Reply to comment by lettuceLeafer in All mental help I've received amounts to "try harder" and I think I'm ready to give up by El_Burrito
That's fair. I guess I just feel like that's what's expected of me. There was a time in my life when I did all of those regularly because I was led to believe that would somehow make things better.
For sure, I agree that if I can't find the effort I should look for something else, but I can't even find the effort to look for something else.
And I agree, I didn't mean to find added meaning in what you wrote. I'm at a moment in my life where I don't think I can give up the self-deprivation. It's not intentional, it really is just how I feel.
El_Burrito OP wrote
Reply to comment by !deleted30 in All mental help I've received amounts to "try harder" and I think I'm ready to give up by El_Burrito
On a spiritual level, I agree. I totally think that we are just as animals as the rest of species of animals that exist on this planet are. We are born from nothing and eventually we become nothing.
I would love the chance just to be, but something about the way I was brought up, or the way I am, I just can't shake the feeling that something should be better. And it's not and I don't feel like I have the right to change that, so even though as far as I know dying would be a horrible experience, the time it lasts can only be so long and so much quicker than a life where I simply long for how it could have been.
El_Burrito OP wrote
Reply to comment by lettuceLeafer in All mental help I've received amounts to "try harder" and I think I'm ready to give up by El_Burrito
raddle.me is pretty cool and I wish I'd maybe come here sooner
El_Burrito OP wrote
Reply to comment by fortmis in All mental help I've received amounts to "try harder" and I think I'm ready to give up by El_Burrito
I wish I could elaborate and I would love to, but for some reason I just don't like I'm qualified to talk on the matter. Even though it's my own life, it seems like I would let others walk over me if it just meant acceptance.
I honestly and really glad that you would love to hear what I say, but I fear I don't have anything worth saying. And I don't mean fear in like a "scared of reprecussions" kind of way. But scared that I'm just wrong and unwilling to accept it perhaps. Or that right or wrong isn't really a factor and how I feel is just different, but not widely accepted.
I feel like everything I think is half baked. It's all true to me, but you bring the slighest challenge to it and all of a sudden it all falls apart.
El_Burrito OP wrote
Reply to comment by lettuceLeafer in All mental help I've received amounts to "try harder" and I think I'm ready to give up by El_Burrito
For sure and at a base level I'd agree. But I'm just having real trouble. When I really try to take my circumstances and mental state seriously I always end up coming to the same conclusion.
I was a professionally employed as a web developer. I think of myself as a programmer. But I haven't actually done any programming in over a year now (since I quit my job). Everytime I think of how lift myself up and get out of the situation that I'm in, I think these steps, in no particular order:
- Brush your teeth, twice daily
- Exercise for at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week (and log what you do so you can see the progress)
- Hit your desired macros for diet every day (and log what you eat)
- Clean your room, clean your toilet
- Shower every morning
- Wash your clothes daily
- Wash your bedding at least weekly, if not more frequently
- Get your debt sorted out (being in the UK, I've been recommend talking to stepchange.org who may be able to help me out)
and all of that is like a base minimum. Like I feel like that's what everyone else is already doing everyday and I can't even bring myself to do that, let alone keep up with it. I was managing to do this during 2019 for about 6 to 8 months or so and in a way I felt so much more confident in myself when interacting with others. Especially when you compare that to how I am now, where I haven't had a haircut in months, I don't shave (though this is a funny double edged sword, because some people aboslutely love a big beard), I've put on weight, don't brush my teeth hardly ever and barely exercise.
And I can hear most people reading this and just thinking "boo-hoo".
I don't know. You're totally right, I haven't figured out how to live my life in a way I'd like. I really should try harder to figure out what that way is, but I really just don't know if it's worth it.
I'm saying this to everyone though, but thanks for replying. You are right, I just can't quite honestly bring myself to actually make a difference.
El_Burrito OP wrote
Reply to comment by flingwingin in All mental help I've received amounts to "try harder" and I think I'm ready to give up by El_Burrito
Thank you for your penultimate paragraph haha, that's something I definitely resonated with (not discounting everything else you said). I would love to be able to tell myself "You know what, fuck this shit, it's fucked anyway" and just do whatever it is I really want to do.
I think diagnosing myself was a huge part in my self reflection, but ultimately hasn't really helped me in the long scheme of things.
El_Burrito OP wrote
Reply to comment by Fool in All mental help I've received amounts to "try harder" and I think I'm ready to give up by El_Burrito
I do find lucid dreaming and the idea of astral projecting very interesting. I certainly have the time to practice.
I think I've been an nihilist since my early ages (when I didn't even know how to pronounce the word correctly!) and I feel like I know that just because life doesn't have inherent meaning, that doesn't mean that I can ascribe a meaning to it that's fulfiling to me and helpful to others.
El_Burrito OP wrote
Reply to comment by !deleted34351 in All mental help I've received amounts to "try harder" and I think I'm ready to give up by El_Burrito
I'm not in London but thankyou for the suggestion. I can't promise I'll make use of it but even if in the end the result for me is still the same, I thank you for making a difference.
El_Burrito OP wrote
Reply to All mental help I've received amounts to "try harder" and I think I'm ready to give up by El_Burrito
Yeah sorry for the wall of text
El_Burrito wrote
Reply to what if no left and right? by fortmis
I just discovered this video recently that argues that the political model for left/right and libertarian/authoritarian is quite flawed. It made a great deal of sense to me with the points he went into so maybe give it a look Establishing and accurate model of political ideology
Left and Right definitely seems outdated to me. For instance in the UK, we have the Labour and Conservative parties. I used to consider Labour was left and Conservative was right leaning. However I've come to realise more recently that they are both economically liberal and so in my eyes basically represent the same thing. Yes some of their social objectives may be different, but fundamentally they're two sides of the same coin.
El_Burrito wrote
Reply to by !deleted35896
Glass bottles and metal cans were surely always better. They just seem like much easier materials to recycle.