Submitted by LegacyOfDreams in transfem

Meme here:

It's one of those days when I realize time is ticking past, I am no longer 'young', and way too complicated to love. Even in the days when I thought I was cis and straight (laughs in egg) I've met a lot of lightweights and cowards, who were too afraid to be honest even with themselves, much less with others. "You can lie to me, it doesn't matter.. but you're lying to yourself", I forget where the quote comes from but it feels relevant. I was always too deep, too complex, too this, too that, TOO MUCH for them.

Add a whole new dimension of discovering my true self as a demigirl who likes girls and the odds decrease even more that I'll find someone who likes me for me and not for some projection they have of me. It was already hard enough to find love when hiding beneath an eggshell, and even then I didn't succeed, what more now.

Is there any reason to hope in this hellish world that seems to disintegrate even more day by day?

And sorry for the rant, a lot of feelings catching up with me during a season where nothing is right in my life, but I wanted to reach out to a community that I feel might understand better than others.



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OnlyCirceOus wrote (edited )

So this really is my snap take: I think it’s always hard to find love, but easier when you are being your true self. On the other hand it’s easier to find a date if you are confident, conventionally attractive, and cis-het - in that order of importance. Be yourself, be confident, and be unafraid to hold potential partners to your standards - I can’t think of a more attractive combination.

Edit: ok, in fairness there is some observational supposition there; in my entire dating life I have never been conventionally attractive or cis-het. But confidence I’ve had and I’m in multiple decade+ long relationships ☺️



LegacyOfDreams OP wrote (edited )

Thank you for reminding me about standards. As I replied on another post, that's the problem: I've had to rule out too many people who were bad for me, and that leaves even more who demand that I bring myself down to their level rather than rise up to meet me where I am. That's discouraging, but on the other hand I can't possibly see cutting myself into pieces that they can handle: been there, done that, 0/10 would not recommend...

The confidence and authenticity act as a filter, but the problem is, it's all trash out there and no fish in the sea making it past the filter ;)


cata wrote

There's plenty of hope. I mean, there's billions of people out there, all with different preferences, ways they love others, and ways they want to be loved. Myself for example, the attraction I feel towards any given person isn't affected by their gender or presentation at all, just who they are as a person. If their gender or presentation happens to change, of course I'd support them, but it wouldn't change my attraction towards them in any way. I know I'm not the only person that loves like this, too. So yeah. I think there's plenty of hope for anyone to find love, or companionship, or whatever they may desire. The world is a massive place.


LegacyOfDreams OP wrote

Thank you, it's good to know there are people out there who can see past the surface. I think I've been dealing with too many shallow AF people who can't see past an illusion (not to mention the surface).


strangejune wrote

If anything, I think having relationships will become easier as you come closer to expressing yourself genuinely. It leads to more self confidence, which is good to see in other people.


BLVDE wrote

for me, finding someone surprisingly works quite often (feels like luck tbh), but it working out... that's the harder part
also when both of you aren't that good at communicating (or if you wanna talk about it, but the other person isn't up for it)

would also love for one or multiple people to show up in my life, that have similar enough ideas of live like me, so that it'll gonna work out for a longer amount of time


LegacyOfDreams OP wrote

Ah yes, that's phase 2, the working out bit, finding someone who's in this for the long haul and not just here today gone tomorrow. Thank you for that.


Omori wrote

People will say "The world is a massive place" and they are right in the sense I'm quite confident there are many MANY people in the world who could have a good relationship with you. However, the other side of this to keep in mind is that a lot of it comes down to luck and circumstances with where you live, what communities you're in, who are the people around you, etc. Sure there are people out there for you, but you finding them can be tough, and how long it takes is entirely variable. I think its important to recognize this, as unreasonable expectations could lead to things feeling much worse. Don't take this as something disheartening but rather as hopeful, because even if it takes a long time you shouldn't let that kill your hopes completely, you just have to keep going through life until things line up and you find that person whether it happens tomorrow or in x years. At least that's the mindset I had until I eventually met my partner, so I hope it helps in some way.


LegacyOfDreams OP wrote

Thank you, your acknowledgement of how difficult it can be is very very helpful. I'm stuck in a land of hardcore conservative authoritarian folks with terrible values, and I am absolutely done with compromising my own personal integrity to bring myself down to their level, so that's a hard no. Long distance is definitely an option just that it hasn't worked out in the past. And I would move in a heartbeat, just that those of us who have actually done immigration research know it is neither simple nor easy.