Submitted by rattledlove1139 in tidymess1139

try turn frustration today to something good

Most people do not understand emotion troubles and just say childish. Even as a kid things other kids could handle i really could not, i would sob and scream and kick over small broken promise. people did not like me at all and just bully me and make worse. It was all my fault being sensitive so no one did anything help.
If most people have emotions dial from 1 to 10 then mine 1 OR 10. No reaction or very big reaction. Happy i jump and make noise... people get angry. Sad i sob and bury myself in blankets... people get angry. Angry i kick and scream... people get angry.

I don't know how supposed manage because no one ever bother teach. How DO you manage when emotions fill whole mind and body and nothing else exist in that moment?? No one ever teach that and angry that not just magic change.
i do not really feel wrong thing at wrong time, people just refuse understand situations. Sad when struggle open bottle because should not be this hard. Angry that people laugh when i struggle because REALLY??, must have less social tact than ME to think good idea.

but then people angry at me for reactions because DO "get violent". And then just yell and scream and make worse. I do not LIKE to hurt people or break things so even in worst meltdowns of my life, when my brain abandon reason, i STILL TRY TO NOT. But if someone get close when my body is saying DO NOT, i might push or hit them!! And then get angry at me for that!! Psych who diagnosed me "oppositional defiant disorder" even told parents they can call cops on me for that

Then there is other awful reaction where say name again and again and act like just "disobedient child" who need "stern parent", but that only makes me more angry because it means not LISTENING. I do not do good with "Don't stomp/make that noise/whatever" - I WILL. I will do it louder even. I do not have ability just SAY "Do not get closer" or "Stop doing that" i only have choices like stomp and scream and shove so I have to use them. Even AAC means i need SOME clarity of mind to put thoughts in words and not just throw tablet which is more likely when angry

Instead of learn my language people want make me work in their bounds but i do not have same ABILITIES they do to make that even possible so just punish punish punish instead.

another way this hurts me is when something happens and i have problem to fix. I panic and then freeze... and then someone else comes... and fixes it for me... Without even asking if i WANTED that.
But like i say last post, my brain get busy on task of processing what just happened, and then processing how to move around this, and what to do next. So people just... take that as me deciding not to do it?!!!

If i drop bowl and bowl shatters my brain needs time to process "That bowl just broke" and "The pieces are here, here, and here" and "I can step over mess if i go this way, i should not step that way" and so on and so forth. When my brain arrives on thinking "I need a brush" someone else already STARTED brushing up. I do not understand how people think so fast it is weird and I hate it!!!
i know some situations speed really important to fix things but not all situations like that. And i do not know exactly how say but maybe i could be faster at things some day, but i won't KNOW if no one will let me even TRY do things at my speed. And then they mistake my frustration again and it just SUCKS all around.

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Majrelende wrote (edited )

So much of this is relatable! A little story: when I was young authority figures told me things like that, "don't be stressed" etc. or they would force me to take horrible pills. And so it backfired, because I gradually stopped caring about what authority figures said or wanted, and that solved it.

It is awful when people see another suffering (or happy) and think the reaction is their fault, that they should suppress it. Are we supposed to be emotionless automata who only smile when we are told to? I think much of what people are supposed to be like is disconnected from their own emotions because if we do not, then this is what happens. But if we do not, then we keep on suffering so much, unaware and in denial.

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rattledlove1139 OP wrote

With "ODD" on paper i got threaten with police and medications, and restraint "justified" so listening and not listening both end bad, shrink or defend i still suffer and lose
i am just lucky diagnosis removed from file eventually but i absolutely hate and do not see ANY real reason exist. There is always reason "defy" and always comes down to authority being shit people who do not listen or respect. Teachers, principals, doctors, family, all left me suffer so no shit i end up hate authority!

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ratratratrat wrote

yea, i have dealt with stuff where people get angry at me for hitting or throwing but that is because they do not stop when i use words.

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