Submitted by lettuceLeafer in thoughts (edited )

Over the last couple months I've been spending a bunch of time trying to do an illegal construction project. Due to how the houses i'm trying to buy all have really fucked up title histories I've been striking out quite often. Like I've closed on 3 houses and all three had to be cancled as their titles had such significant problems that they couldn't be solved. its a kinda weird limbo things where no one technically owns the house so no one can sell it or stuff like a bank that has not existed for 20 years owns the house. So the bank doesn't exist so it doens't own the house but the government doesn't own it either. There are a bunch of houses the state owns which refuses to sell too. I'm talking like thousands of homes. Well techincally they are for sale just the stipulations are so signicant that no one of sound mind would even consider buying them. Seeing as I really need to get a more solid place to live I can't continue taking the massive amount of time needed to secure a place to live. So I'm canceling that project / putting it on hiatus for a long time.

I considered squatting too but without a car I would be unable to see people and that would be really hard for both of us. I wouldn't want to be in a situation where I would be basically physically unable to see my family at all so if I would squatt it would only be worth if I had a place to park and and having a place to store things in a way they won't be stolen would be incredibly useful to do projects. So I figured I could squatt as long as I had a place to park. Well parking inthe city is really expensive. The cheapest solution would be getting a storage container. The cheapest ones that are at least an hour on walking to a squatt are like 33% or more of renting and actual apartment with parking. Plus the additional financial costs of squatting (theft, camping stuff, securing the house) it would not be that financially better than renting. You can do it much cheaper but the cons of not spending money is not worth it for me personally. So considering the risks and costs + the additional instability I decided against squatting. And the anxiety of having to rely on squatting for housing would really stress me out.

So I have to go rent and apartment form a shit fuck landlord which I'm pretty sore about. Commence the fun of applying for apartments. This makes me pretty upset but I have other projects that living in an actual apartment with decent utilities like internet and better power grid so its not all bad. Still not a thing I'm happy about but best idea for me atm.

I just started taking quetiapine. I think it will help a lot more than I initially expected. It has the benefits of anti anxiety drugs with a lot less of the negatives. Plus its pretty cheap, legal and I have legal protections so I can use it at work. It mellows out a lot after a while but my first doeses are a lot like being drunk without the euphoria, bad ideas and implsivness. This sounds kinda weird but it kinda has the exact effects I would do recreational drugs to gain with less negatives.

I'm kinda concerned about using a drug multiple times a day everyday due to addiction but I've done that redeo before so its nothing I can't handle. I just worry that over time I will gain enough tolerance that it won't be helpful. Its also one of the few psychiatrist's medicines you can get on the street. Its hard to come by and expensive but if things go to shit and I want to still use it and can't acess a psyciatrist I still have avenues. I'm more inebriated than I would like. and to be honestly I havn't been this inebriated for a long time but it should mellow out a lot after a few days. but rn giong to a psyciatrist seems to have been a far better idea that I initially expeced. I'm glad I kept an open mind. Psychiatry still has its issues but the positives seem to be worth the negatives atm. tho things can and will change over the next month. Hopefully not for the worse lol

I just got kicked out of my living situation. I've been staying with my grandmother. She needed help aroudn the house and is pretty lonely so she really enjoys the company. Like she was really trying to convince me to stay for a year or more which I wouldn't want to do but its nice that I'm not a bother couch surfing. I would have liked to leave far earlier than I have but shit just hasn't been working out.

Now one of my other family members lives there to help my grandmother. He is a real piece of work. Racist piece of shit who constantly takes his anger out on the person he things he can hurt the most nearby. I figured if I would be nice and try to help him out I would be able avoid issues in living with him. Boy was I wrong. All that happened would be him trying to be nice to me, me doing favors for him and then he uses everything he knows about me to say the most hurtful things and mess my life up the most.

Like literal hours after trying to be convinced by my grandmother to stay for a long period and how she says her life will be literally worse when I leave as I help her out a lot. Done in not a manipulative way just kinda voicing her thoughts in a nice way. I took it as a complement. The other family member who lives there (he doesn't own the house there or anything my grandma just lets him live there rent free since he helps her occasionally although is really shitty about helping her) straight up tells me I need to leave like now. Gave me a week to do it but with how my work schedule is that just gave me 3 days to find a new place to stay and leave.

Thankflly I was able to take of work last night so I can figure stuff out. I prob would have been an anxious mess last night if I had to go to work and brude on beeing kicked out without being able to do anything. Normally I would be a sleepless depressed wreck even with recreational drugs but with quetiapine I was able to manage. Still pretty upset but quite functional and able to actually solve the problem rationally. Thankfully I have had multiple family members offer me a place to stay.

My grandmother and basiclaly everyone who knows whats going on are really upset about me getting kicked out as they where all really happy I was staying with their mom and helping her. So that was nice tho hopefully it won't cause too much drama that I have to spend emotional energy on.

God my life is just filled with shitty, and me somehow coming out ahead in the end. Tho I have the feeling that one of these days shitty things are going to happen and I'll not being able to deal with it effectively and my life will be an an absolute rock bottom for a good while and me being able to get out.

Oh and regarding housing I would really like to live that rural homestead life but I don't quite have the time to wait and set it up. Also I have the capital to set it up but being in a rural area basically demolishes your ability to make money. So I won't do it until I have a lot more money or a couple ways to make significant amount of money online. and I think living in a city for a time could be really good for me as there are lots of opportunities and you learn a lot from living in a new kinda area. It should be way easier to meet good friends too hopefully.

5

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

There's nothing here…