Submitted by Catsforfun in offmychest

I wonder if I will ever have a partner who doesn't abuse me.

I wonder if I am worthy of not being abused.

It kind of makes me wanna give up on life sometimes. Or on people. Or on sex.

Like, I'm cute. I know people wanna have sex with me. But I always deflect and reject because its not worth the risk.

I know that as soon as my clothes come off, my consent doesn't matter anymore.

I wish I lived in a world where I could just have sex with people without having to vet them endlessly. It's fucking stressful & its a turn off.

I'm scared of looking cute because I hate being looked at. It makes me really scared.(I'm getting a little better about that lately, but I still don't talk to people I don't already trust while I am dressed cute.)

I once went on like 4 dates with someone who seemed pretty ok. They seemed pretty "woke" & feminist. I didn't kiss them until the 3rd date. On the 4th I felt ok enough to to try having sex with them. It was not ok. They did bad things to me even after I asked them to stop & said I wasn't ok. I was crying at one point.

The next person I tried having sex with 2 months later also r*ped me [& then stalked me] & my brain broke & I started believing that my gender was fake and I'm just a piece of meat for men to fuck with and that I am only what they see me as.

I think there is something wrong with me because there must be some social cue I'm failing to pick up on. Maybe I have asperger's.

I know this is really hard to read but thank you for reading it.



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hasbrochem wrote (edited )

you didn't and don't deserve any of what happened. They're garbage people. None of what happened was your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm glad you're here and thank you for being willing to share this with us.

Have you reached out to a support group in your area by chance?


Catsforfun OP wrote

not really. I kinda was going to a genderqueer/trans support group. I should go back.

I'm starting EMDR today (1st appt) & its supposed to be good for trauma. Currently I'm still having a hard time hugging people, maybe I will write yall an update when it starts getting better.


MHC wrote

It's not necessary to have a partner!