I've been walking around with a lot of confusion for a long time - at least three years. In the last month or so, it's slowly become too much of a burden. I feel like my back is breaking soon.

I took a bunch of LSD two days ago. I've tripped many times before, but that trip was like no other (i also took more than I've ever done before). I found an immense peace, and was able to clear the confusion (there's more to this trip - it was amazing, I'll gladly explain more if anyone is interested). This has made me realize the enormous loneliness and rage that's boiling in me, which is better than the confusion i had before, but also very overwhelming.

I told the girl i liked today how i felt about her, because trying to keep it a friendship is exhausting me slowly - she didn't feel the same way, which was a little devastating too.

I've thought about it a lot, but I'm not sure why i feel this way. I have a lot of good friends, who tell me they love me, yet i feel unloved and alone. I have a nice apartment, I've got food on the table, I've got a solid job that I can actually enjoy on good days, yet I feel so much rage.

I have no idea what I'm asking for - I just thought it was worth a try, since most of you people are awesome, and share my way of thinking in a lot of ways. It's good to get off my chest if nothing else.

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An_Old_Big_Tree wrote on January 28, 2019 at 9:51 PM

Glad you got some peace from the trip. Sounds like it was a good thing that you told that girl you like her. It's ok to feel bad and lonely that it didn't work out, When I like some one (usually I love the people I like also), how well my relationship is going with them affects me greatly. So especially if you're monogamous, not having that person reciprocate can be a huge blow.

Trying to figure out where your rage is coming from might be a good idea. There's a lot to be enraged by - (and also some bad reasons to be enraged). The world is terrible, even though you have nice apartment and food on the table. Sweet people are suffering terribly and will continue to, even though things don't have to be this way.

Are you building towards a less enraging world with your good friends? Maybe at the intersection of your loneliness and your rage is a desire for someone whose hands you can hold as you race towards the unknown; a better world. That is the only cure for my loneliness.

Hope things work out well for you.

throwaway OP wrote on January 29, 2019 at 4:05 PM

Thanks for your effort T_W, I think you're on point.

I'm definitely building towards a less enraging world as you put it. I'm very active, and it gives me a lot of satisfaction, but I don't have anyone close to me who feel the same way as I do about these things that I want to work for (or at least not as strongly as I do), which makes it a lonely war.

Perhaps this is just something that'll work itself out over time. Thanks again for your words, they gave me some hope that I definitely needed.

mofongo wrote on January 29, 2019 at 1:01 AM

I've thought about it a lot, but I'm not sure why i feel this way. I have a lot of good friends, who tell me they love me, yet i feel unloved and alone.

Have you researched about your love language? We all show affection differently and like to receive love differently too. You can look into this, and see if that's something you're missing in your relationship with others.

Another thing is intimacy, are you able to talk to your friends what you told us, and mentioned but didn't told us?

throwaway OP wrote on January 29, 2019 at 4:06 PM

I talked to my closest friend about all of this recently, and she actually mentioned something about love language, too. I'll look more into it, thanks (: