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PerfectSociety wrote

Hi there, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing now. It's been some months since you posted this - how are you?


hooray_for_dead_cops OP wrote


Hey thanks for checking in! Sorry for replying 2 months late. I haven't been back here in a minute but it was touching to log back in and see your message. Some things are still fucked up, some things not so much.

I've been working at an animal shelter for the past 7 months. The pay is shit and the labor can be pretty physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding but all in all, I do like my job. I like most of the people I work with, I like my bosses, I like working with animals, etc. So even though I'm living paycheck to paycheck, at least I don't dread going in to work every day.

I also started studying JavaScript about 5 months ago. It's a lot slower-going than I anticipated but it's going. It's frustrating because I've been at it so long and I still don't really know shit. It's like a second job. I usually spend at least 4-5 hours a day studying. I got through FreeCodeCamp's Javascript Algorithms And Data Structures Certification and currently I'm doing the Front End Libraries cert and the Responsive Web Design cert at the same time. Been using some other resources as well. I just started my first project a couple days ago--something to help my boss better keep track of inventory--but that also is slower going than I had hoped.

I might actually be going for an IT position within the company I work for. We use a third party website to keep track of animals, their locations, and any updates/notes regarding their status. I'm pretty much the only person on my crew who knows how to use a computer so I'm usually the one to update room and cage numbers for my shift, generate and print reports, etc. Simple stuff. But at a meeting a couple weeks ago, my crew was telling our boss I'm their "computer whiz" and my boss said since I could navigate the website we use pretty easily, there might be a position in the IT department for me so I asked him about it 2 days ago. Was supposed to talk to somebody yesterday but apparently he was off. I'm taking a short vacation this week but my boss said when I get back, he'll set me up with a meeting. My boss don't know anything about computers either so maybe the position entails more than just navigating a website but we'll see. Might be a good opportunity. I don't even know how much more the position would pay but it's worth checking out.

I'm still with the same girl but I've been realizing more and more that I don't love her anymore. I love her as a friend but I don't love her in a romantic way. We've known each other over 10 years and I don't want her out of my life. I want her to be happy but it's become pretty clear that I'm not the one to make her happy.

I'm not even really all that physically attracted to her anymore. I haven't fucked her in months. And I know she wants it. We still cuddle and shit when we watch TV or whatever and sometimes she'll just go and grab my dick and it's like, how the fuck is that supposed to turn me on? Just reach down and grab my dick. I've told her over the years what I like, what feels good, what doesn't, and she never listens. It's not just about sex. That's always been a problem. She never listens. She says she wants better communication when I communicate with her constantly but then she never listens and trying to get her to say what she really feels is like pulling teeth.

There's also the fact that I still don't trust her and probably never will. Friends? Okay, we're cool. I do me, she does her. But the lack of trust I have in her does not make for a sustainable relationship.

At this point, I probably have 2 main reasons for still being too chickenshit to bite the bullet and end this: I don't want to hurt her and financial reasons. We're financially tied (me to her moreso than vice versa) and if we split up and I couldn't stay here anymore, she could go back to her parents' house but I don't have any family I could turn to so tf am I gonna do?

For a while this past year, I really thought we could get back to where we once were and I think that desire came from the same place I described when I posted here last year: fear of being alone. But at this point, I'm not happy and I know she can't be all that happy given that I stopped fucking her and I don't dote on her anymore. She still loves me though and that makes it hard and she's gonna be 35 next month and the thought of leaving her after so long with her biological clock ticking away when I know she would want a kid (so do I--just not with her anymore), it all makes me feel guilty about wanting to leave her. I've put up with a lot with her, but she's put up with a lot with me, and that makes me feel guilty too. To throw away a decade and all that effort, I dunno, it's shitty. There's something else making me feel guilty too but I think it's also given me a push toward actually making the move.

I started catching feelings for a girl at work. I'm like, obsessed with her. I think about her constantly. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about a girl. She gives me butterflies and I never even really got that from my current girlfriend. I just kinda figured when we got together, "I'm an adult now, I guess I don't get butterflies anymore."

So this girl--let's call her J--I stare at her all day and I'm trying to build up the confidence to talk to her.


hooray_for_dead_cops OP wrote


Just kidding.

She started working the front desk like 3 or 4 months ago. She's dumb pretty and seemed like a nice, pleasant girl, but I didn't really pay her much mind for the first couple weeks except as it pertained to work. Then I found out my favorite dog was her favorite dog. I frequently take dogs out to the yard on my break (which I take when she clocks out to go home) and I told her as much and she said she'd come hang out with us before going home. She stayed for the whole hour and we talked a lot during that hour. She came out with me with that dog a few times after that and eventually, she (the dog) got placed with a rescue. Within a day or two, I had a new favorite and I told J about him and now he was her favorite too and again, she's coming out to the yard with us on my break. He got adopted a few weeks ago and we're on our third favorite now.

I do stare at her sometimes. I catch her looking at me too sometimes too. Like, looking like that. A few people I work with have told me they think she likes me.

Our second favorite dog got picked up by his adopter a few hours before I start my shift so I wasn't there for it (though I took him to the yard and said my goodbyes the night before) but a couple people took videos. The whole staff came to the front and he was running around licking everybody and getting pats and everybody was clapping. It was really sweet. He was in the shelter a long time so we were all happy to see him go.

I asked J to send me the 2 videos she had and she did and then I had her phone number. At the time, I was still kinda trying to resist what I was starting to feel for her and also just didn't wanna seem like a creep so I didn't text her but like a week or so later, I was telling her about that Amazon show, Forever and she said she wanted to watch it (it's really good btw, if you haven't seen it). A couple days later, she tells me she can't find it on any of the streaming services she uses but I'm a pirate (ARR!!) so I told her I'd upload the series to Mega for her. She told me to text her when I sent it and said "I stay up pretty late." I ended up not getting home until like 3am cause some girl got hit by a train so they held up my train for like an hour and then suspended service before it even got to my stop so I walked the rest of the way. I still uploaded the show and texted her. She was asleep by then but she texted me in the morning when she was getting ready for work and we texted a couple times back and forth. We were both pretty busy that day at work so we didn't get much time to talk or hang out but after she left, we started texting again. Mostly just about work and animals and stuff but we were texting until like 2am. I know that sounds silly but I get so giddy when I see her name next to a text message. That's basically where we've been at the past week. I'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend but I wanna be with this girl so bad.

J is the kind of girl anybody could fall in love with. She's really upbeat and smiles all the time but she looks genuinely happy when she sees me. The other day, I go to clock in and I'm like "what up J" and she goes "oh! I'm always happy when I see you because I know my shift is half over!" and this other girl who works the front desk goes "I think you're just happy to see him" and she blushed. She could put you in a good mood even when she's having a bad day. When she's mad or frustrated, she smiles even bigger than she does normally and she grunts and growls and curses through the smile and it makes me melt. Everything she does makes me melt.

It's nice to feel this way after so long and it's a real nice feeling when someone you're crushing on is crushing on you but the guilt when my girlfriend comes home from work and says "I love you" and I go "yeah, you too," not so much. I know it's not fair to her to keep on going with a relationship I don't want to be in and I know I need to talk to her but I can't seem to stop making excuses--the financial ties, the amount of time we've been together, her age and the fact that we both desire to be parents one day, the fact that her birthday is only a month away, etc. I don't want to hurt her and that becomes another excuse but how can I do this and not hurt her? Even if I don't end up with J though, just the fact that I can feel this way about another girl tells me that I need to have that talk with my girlfriend. We're going up to the woods for a few days this week and some people have told me to "have the talk in nature" but I dunno if I'mma do that. She might drive off and leave me in the middle of the woods lol. I know it should be sooner than later though.

I don't think she'd do anything intentionally spiteful. In the past, she's said we could still live together if we broke up. That could be awkward but it already feels like we're just roommates. Aside from not fucking, we rarely even sleep in the same bed anymore. She's usually in the living room and I'm usually in the bedroom (to be fair, the sofa bed in the living room is more comfortable than the bed in the bedroom so I think she got the better end of the stick with that one). But hey, we'll see if she actually sticks to that. I wouldn't completely fault her if she didn't. That'd be a tough situation. So maybe I gotta get some options before I make that move. I got like one friend left in this city so I was probably gonna ask her tomorrow if she has any friends looking for roommates cause I'd rather live with a friend of a friend than a complete stranger. She's one of my best friends--we've been friends damn near 20 years--and she knows a lot of people so hopefully she can come through for me. If not, I guess I better figure something out.

Anyway, that's basically what I got going on. I'm still struggling through life, still stressed, but I'm also excited and hopeful about my future and I'm definitely in a better place than I was when I initially started this thread.