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8

ziq wrote (edited )

People I care about have asked me to comment, so here goes.

I stepped down as admin and completely threw my privacy / security culture (and dignity) out of the window because the others (tw and emma) asked me to. I wanted to do whatever was best for raddle, and emma made it clear she would have no association with the site unless I did that. You all wanted emma back, so I did everything that was asked of me; figuring the site is bigger than my pride / security.

After I stepped down and apologized, I was relieved that I could finally stop playing the role of some kind of polite radical ambassador and just be myself.

So I spoke my mind to set the record straight when shiningwing and their clique started spreading malicious lies about what went down between us to paint me as some kind of monster.

Her clique were originally forgiving, but the moment sw turned up to throw her hate at me, they edited their comments to join her spite-bandwagon. Their cliquish, twofaced behavior has always been atrocious, like Maoist struggle sessions, and I was really hurt that tw and emma refused to call them out in public or defend me when they knew they were spreading lies.

I felt like they were both scapegoating me just so they could placate these malicious, hateful people with godawful politics.

So after I responded to shiningwing's venom and tried to set the record straight about some of the blatant lies, the new admin leftous tried to ban me. Essentially for talking back to a tankie. For trying to defend myself. For not buying into some respectability politics shtick that I have no want or need for.

Telling me I can be myself now, and then trying to ban me for not eating some spiteful teenaged tankie's shit? No thank you. On top of that, leftous was fanning the flames with reactionary fearmongering, repeating things said about me by my doxxers on reddit, and inventing new conspiracies... So I left the site and didn't look back. Completely removed raddle from my mind so I could get on with my life.

Yesterday, leftous and the rest of you invited me to come back. I didn't want to come back as ziq because I knew the moment I tried to be myself and did anything other than bow down to the clique and eat their shit, I'd be ostracised again by all the angry little shiningwing groupies that take their halfassed ideologies way too seriously. I also didn't want to use an account that has been doxxed on 8chan and voat.

Yeah I made a mockery of tankies when I was an admin. Yeah I made a mockery of transhumanists. Yeah I have no respect for those people's politics. I apologized to them for making them feel unwelcome and was met by them with pure venom. They were out for blood and clearly wouldn't be satisfied unless raddle was burned to the ground. Yet from what I can tell, they continue to stick around here, on a site they clearly want to kill - even trying to get r/anarchism to remove the raddle link from their sidebar and promoting nettle instead - a platform designed by one of them, that is nowhere near close to working.

So I didn't feel comfortable coming back as ziq, knowing these kids would continue to attack me and mount struggle sessions against me whenever I spoke. Instead, I tested the waters, came back with another account, spoke my mind, tried to set the record straight about the latest stream of lies (mostly being spread by my replacement leftous).

But the struggle sessions, disinfo campaign and witchhunts continued, with me and anyone who tried to defend me being attacked by the mob. The clique were quick with the passive aggressive remarks. "Look ziq came out of hiding! We know it's you ziq!" "Haha the dictator is back!"

Amongstclouds was being accused of being me for daring to break from the clique's evil-ziq narrative. Which was exactly what I was complaining about. You have to respect people's privacy. No one has a right to accuse people of being other people.

I quickly saw nothing had changed. The same little Mao Juniors were in control of the place, even using bots to downvote me 400 times so my version of events wouldn't be seen.

I denied being ziq because I want my privacy. I don't want to be set upon by these pissed off kids every time I open my mouth. But then tq basically ordered me to stop denying I was ziq. I consider that a complete violation of my security culture, and because I have so much love and respect for tw, I was incredibly hurt by it, to the point where I got no sleep last night and haven't been able to eat.

Then Leftous doxxed me in this thread. For some fucked up reason they think they have the right to give out my youtube username, which links to my real life identity. They got that username by stalking me. It's fucked up, and the last straw for me. The admins don't respect my privacy. I've been doxxed repeatedly in the past by incredibly dangerous people because of that username leftous spitefully drops while calling me a troll.

You can villainize me all you want for making fun of people on an internet message board, but doxxing me because I'm not polite enough for you? It's all kinds of fucked up and the couple of people that have been supporting me through this ordeal are right that raddle is no longer a radical space. It's been destroyed by these struggle sessions and I can't be around it because of my own mental health. I don't want to be here.

If tw no longer has faith in me, then I feel horrible but I need to move on and stop being weighed down by all this stress. I'm an incredibly private person and being exposed like this has wrecked me.

I previously offered the domain to both tw and emma but I no longer feel like I can trust either of them to continue my vision. Raddle has turned into everything I worked my ass off to prevent. It's eating itself with paranoia and shitty reactionary politics that make me want to crawl up into a ball and never speak to anyone ever again.

Raddle was my one and only social outlet. Now I have no one to talk to. Being pushed out of here has affected me a lot more than any of you realize. Leftous and the other user demanding I 'get help' are completely out of line. The user who called me 'demented' has no fucking right. I don't owe any of you anything, least of all the right to judge my mental health as inadequate. Even in this thread, anyone that dares defend me or point out that you're overreacting to my internet silly message board antics is being flooded with downvotes. That isn't radical. Silencing anyone that disagrees with a toxic clique's worldview isn't anarchy.

Mutual aid is important, tw is right about that, but only when the people in the community are worthy of it. The people I lampooned with defasher / chomskyist; the people who insisted all their contributions to raddle be deleted because they didn't appreciate their ideologies being scrutinized - these people have no place in any radical community. They have no interest in mutual aid and I don't deserve to be scapegoated by people that claim to care about me, to avoid offending these petulant, jealous, hate-filled little liars. I'm hurt and I'm angry, and I'm incredibly depressed to realize I have not a single friend in this world.

If there's another round of mass departures because of this, maybe I'll try to pick up the pieces and rebuild on my own. But as long as the witchhunts continue, and the admins continue to fan the flames and completely violate my privacy, I can't be here.

I'll think about everything that's being said in this thread and revisit things later. If the good users are still here and the reactionary struggle sessions are over with, great. If not, and you all bail, then I guess I'll try to rebuild on my own from scratch again at some point.

Raddle was never meant to be some kind of mural to morality, and it was certainly never meant as a place for dangerous and toxic 'leftist' politics. It's just a message board for privacy-advocates and radicals. No one owes anyone anything, least of all me. I'm just a person, you're all just people. There's no perfect communist utopia where no one speaks against your ideology and everyone puts in equal effort and receives equal say. We still live in the real world. Some people are more dedicated to a cause. Some voices are louder. We all have different goals and experiences in life. We are individuals.

Raddle isn't and never was a collective organism. A lot of you are treating it like it is, and that's dangerous.

Edit: typos, added some more stuff

10

Tequila_Wolf wrote (edited )

Hey ziq,

I don't have a problem with you being anonymous or using alts (which is something I've said on many occasions), just with you framing people as being crazy when they assume you are who you are. I'm not sure why it isn't clear that my problem was with gaslighting, since I said exactly that. It might be because I recognise it in different ways to you. Maybe that's why you think I ordered you to do anything.

Let me try to get this clear in case it's not for everyone.

If you're working to discredit people based on their messed up headspace (ie. "weird commie groupthink") and in the same breath you're positing a lie that is made stronger by your discrediting, that's gaslighting. I wouldn't have a problem with you denying that you're ziq or even critiquing some groups' ways of thinking, but the way they were framed together was, as I said, "too close to gaslighting".

I hope I have cleared that up some.

3

ziq wrote

I can't read your comment right now because I'm at work in the middle of a dangerous task and can't get emotional.

But I want to say you're the heart of this place and I appreciate you and your hard work more than you'll ever know.

I have a lot of anger in me and a strong dislike of certain users on this site, but the last thing I want to do is cause you any unhappiness. The main reason I can't be here right now is because I can't help myself. As soon as gnuponut starts with the passive aggressive snide remarks I take the bait and rage at them. Then you and emma get caught in the middle.

When I designed the raddle logo, I made it blue so it would be neutral. Emma changed it to red. She chose a red color scheme for the site. Put the hammer and sickle at the bottom of the page. There has always been a rift between the communists and the anarchists on this site from the get go, and I feel it's gotten further and further away from my original intention.

These things can't be left unsaid any more, the genie is out of the bottle and everything needs to be addressed, not just my antics. However much drama it causes. The rifts will always be here unless things are resolved.

0

ziq wrote (edited )

Despite what it says on the label, this place was not coded by communism. It was coded by emma, an individual. In all the time she has been coding raddle, she's been at it all alone despite several skilled coders offering their services and then never following through.

A lot of the people raging because I 'manipulated their democracy' never contributed a thing to the community. A lot of them never even bothered to vote in meta. Others (the ones calling themselves communists) contributed themes and then selfishly took them back.

Emma did a shitload of work here. Tequila did a shitload of work here. Most of the people throwing tantrums because they thought this was some kind of collective utopia of equality have contributed nothing of value and have no right to demand my blood after I humbled myself, apologized and gave up running my own site to make amends.

Before the clique wakes up and starts up the vitriol again, remember that I don't give a shit. I have no respect for any of you or your makebelieve-communism.

If I stuck around, I would continue to stoke controversy because that's just who I am. People really, really don't like me talking back to them and I can't stop myself from doing it.

This community can still thrive if you want it to. But there are things that need to be addressed, like the paranoid accusations and outing of people as 'trolls' that come straight from the cointelpro guidebook. Whoever sticks around, please don't let raddle be dragged down by this ickiness. Ban people that are engaging in that kind of behavior and don't ask for their permission to do it. No one has the right to your identity. No one has the right to spread rumors about you or your mental health. No one has the right to link to your social media profiles.

This all started because of how important privacy is to me. Gnuponut stalked me and demanded info about me from emma. I reacted in a bad way to having my privacy threatened. I reacted the same way when leftous started digging for dirt on me. But there can't be any compromise when it comes to guarding user privacy on raddle. A lot of us are put in a lot of danger when this happens.

4

DissidentRage wrote

Despite what it says on the label, this place was not coded by communism. It was coded by emma, an individual. In all the time she has been coding raddle, she's been at it all alone despite several skilled coders offering their services and then never following through.

Yeah, I feel really bad about that. I've been having some really crippling motivational issues from being in a depressive funk for the past six months. I get into this place in my mind where I don't have the energy to work on something I want to work on, then I don't do anything to pass the time because I feel guilty about not working on a project. I try to motivate myself but at this point the attempt to motivate myself consumes energy faster than the motivation generates.

5

Xylanthius wrote

You should talk about that in the mental health sub. I think many people would be able to relate to these struggles. It's better than feeling alone and guilty/shameful. We are here to help each other out and support each other.

4

DissidentRage wrote

I never thought of that to be honest. I'm so used to having to work through and resolve my issues on my own. Therapy, for instance, has always been something out of reach.

3

Xylanthius wrote

We are not alone here. It's 30934589034x more helpful to listen to someone authentically talk about what they are going through because then we no longer feel alone. We are all going through similar struggles together generationally in many ways. Support groups are really powerful. I struggle with very similar issues. a lot of us do.

Self-sabotage is about as real as it gets in this society. A lot of us struggle with these feelings in our generation within this western society.

There is a lot of psychological theory behind procrastination and self-sabotage that are much deeper than superficial social stigmas. The guilt and shame that is faced by the individual who doesn't understand it can be paralyzing as well as reinforcing. You are not alone. I often read literature about these topics as well as watch psychological lectures on utube relating to it.

I like to imagine this community as an acceptable safe space and supportive environment to each other. I believe we are capable of this. It's obvious to me that we all have demons here. It's something that brings us all together in some way.

I often don't post on here because of how I have seen others get personally attacked because of their individual views which are their own personal opinions. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who feels that way and has felt that way as I have talked to others on this site of whom I will not name. It doesn't have to be that way though. Authenticity is my highest value. That is why I'm here..