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bloodrose wrote

As long as she doesn't have to tell you to do your share. The role of household task manager is still given to women even when men do help and participate. Having to nicely tell someone to do their share takes up emotional space.

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edmund_the_destroyer wrote

Great point. She doesn't have to do that, and never has on routine household work. But unfortunately she did have to do that, a lot, when it came for taking care of the kids. We didn't reach the point where I was carrying my fair share, more or less, of the work (crucially) without being asked for probably the first five years of parenthood. That's a huge burden I unfairly placed on her.

I'm trying to teach my sons not to make the same mistake, and my daughters not to accept any such labor or emotional labor imbalance in their own relationships.

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bloodrose wrote (edited )

Awesome that you're improving the next generation and that you understand emotional labor. <3

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edmund_the_destroyer wrote

You're being very kind, and I appreciate it. But to repeat, for a few years I felt incredibly proud of myself for acting like I do and trying to get my kids to do the same. Then it sank through my thick skull that I was congratulating myself for reaching a state that should be the species-wide default.

If you're in a partnership with someone you both should do your best to split the work, including all associated emotional labor. Your sexual identity is irrelevant to that. It just so happens that in modern American culture cis+het men are least likely to automatically assume their fair share. I have a few friends and relatives with miserable relationships because of that and many more that ended because of it.

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bloodrose wrote

I guess I'm kind because I'm in a crappy situation in regards to household tasks and the emotional labor thereof.

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edmund_the_destroyer wrote

I'm sorry that happened. As I said, I know a lot of relationships that are in terrible shape or failed completely because one person (in these cases, always a man) didn't carry any of that workload.