I am trans female.
sorry for the formatting of this post.
I thought my life would be a lot happier than it has been. I never thought it would be this hard.
I'm struggling with so many things.
I came out of the closet sooo long ago. almost 10 years! these last two summers I finally made it in the sense that I lived authentically and made zero compromises. I did that by living on the street. it was so beautiful before anything bad happened. it still is so beautiful.
I've been in and out of the closet a few times. but it was because I was forced in, not that I convinced myself or something.
there's different kinds of passing. in my opinion, my goal is just to have people assign me the social role of female. not cis female, but a recognition of who/what I am. to not have that basic recognition after all this time is the most heartbreaking pain.
I thought that the winter wouldn't force me back into the closet.
but it effectively has. the way men and women treat each other is so different. it hurts so much to be considered a man. especially since I can't fight like a guy and have been assaulted by men so I understand. instantly my struggle is erased when someone thinks I'm a man because my hair isn't done nice enough or whatever. I always thought eventually I would get to a point in life where I wouldn't have to look back. where I'd never be mistaken for a cis man again. but I haven't and that's fucking me up.
then there's the fact that society doesn't have jobs for me. except for sex work of course. which in my opinion is basically the ultimate capitalist exploitation.
the list just goes on and on.
I noticed there's some other anarchist pagans here. all of my struggle, my hopes, ultimately come down to that fight. I fear that my soul is lost or misplaced. at least it is so dark to know that things could be so much better but the personal timeline I am on seems to be the backup. Ive made so many mistakes. I have wasted energy and spells many times and feel tons of guilt and worse. it's hard to talk about this stuff in a general forum.
after writing I feel a lot better. I strongly suffer from memories of bad things lasting longer than the good. perspective is helpful.
sorry this is a low quality post. I literally just needed to let someone know.
love you all,
peace
GaldraChevaliere wrote
You didn't waste anything, sis. Suomi tradition goes that when someone is going through a lot of pain, or something is happening that's hurting the body consistently over time, their luonto can leave their body in an attempt to preserve their soul, safeguard it. It will come back when it knows things are safe, and it can hurt while it's gone, but the separation is rarely permanent. Don't feel guilt for something that isn't your fault, you're worth so much more than that. If you ever want to or need to talk, pm me, alright?