Submitted by sparrow in lobby

I am trans female.

sorry for the formatting of this post.

I thought my life would be a lot happier than it has been. I never thought it would be this hard.

I'm struggling with so many things.

I came out of the closet sooo long ago. almost 10 years! these last two summers I finally made it in the sense that I lived authentically and made zero compromises. I did that by living on the street. it was so beautiful before anything bad happened. it still is so beautiful.

I've been in and out of the closet a few times. but it was because I was forced in, not that I convinced myself or something.

there's different kinds of passing. in my opinion, my goal is just to have people assign me the social role of female. not cis female, but a recognition of who/what I am. to not have that basic recognition after all this time is the most heartbreaking pain.

I thought that the winter wouldn't force me back into the closet.

but it effectively has. the way men and women treat each other is so different. it hurts so much to be considered a man. especially since I can't fight like a guy and have been assaulted by men so I understand. instantly my struggle is erased when someone thinks I'm a man because my hair isn't done nice enough or whatever. I always thought eventually I would get to a point in life where I wouldn't have to look back. where I'd never be mistaken for a cis man again. but I haven't and that's fucking me up.

then there's the fact that society doesn't have jobs for me. except for sex work of course. which in my opinion is basically the ultimate capitalist exploitation.

the list just goes on and on.

I noticed there's some other anarchist pagans here. all of my struggle, my hopes, ultimately come down to that fight. I fear that my soul is lost or misplaced. at least it is so dark to know that things could be so much better but the personal timeline I am on seems to be the backup. Ive made so many mistakes. I have wasted energy and spells many times and feel tons of guilt and worse. it's hard to talk about this stuff in a general forum.

after writing I feel a lot better. I strongly suffer from memories of bad things lasting longer than the good. perspective is helpful.

sorry this is a low quality post. I literally just needed to let someone know.

love you all,

peace

16

Comments

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GaldraChevaliere wrote

You didn't waste anything, sis. Suomi tradition goes that when someone is going through a lot of pain, or something is happening that's hurting the body consistently over time, their luonto can leave their body in an attempt to preserve their soul, safeguard it. It will come back when it knows things are safe, and it can hurt while it's gone, but the separation is rarely permanent. Don't feel guilt for something that isn't your fault, you're worth so much more than that. If you ever want to or need to talk, pm me, alright?

5

curious wrote

You can and will get through this

4

urg3t0ki11r151ng wrote

My heart goes out to you, I know it doesn't mean much coming from some online weirdo, but know that there are a bunch of people out there that support you. Struggle is difficult but you are not alone. Remember that being who you are is about your well being. You matter.

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edmund_the_destroyer wrote

I don't have any useful advice, I just wish the best for you.

I am cis+het, but I don't feel remotely threatened by or abusive towards trans. I am so sorry others do.

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BADC wrote

Les Claypool is my inspiration:

"To Defy The Laws Of Tradition"

What if Christmas didn't come this year And no one paid for Christmas cheer? Who would cry the biggest tear The child or the store? Why do brides wear virgin white? Most do not deserve that right But to choose a color of they're delight Would surely bring on the frowns To defy the laws of tradition Is a crusade only of the brave Suppose the taxman, he comes to town And you don't lay your money down Yet Mr. Jones he killed Mr. Brown the other day Well I wonder, who's gonna go to hell

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MrPotatoeHead wrote

I think that if you look feminine you'll be fine. If you have masculine features, you might want to consider plastic surgery. I think you'd be happier looking like more feminine. Keep whatever nature gave you, but look the part you want to be.

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urg3t0ki11r151ng wrote (edited )

I will not downvote you but maybe tell you why I think you are getting downvoted. Many transgender people struggle to live as the gender they identify with and have many self-doubts about looking female or male. I don't know if it was intentional but by saying if she

looks feminine she will be fine

you are introducing more self-doubt, and more anguish to her.

Next, you suggest plastic surgery. This is like telling a diabetic that cannot afford insulin to just buy some and stop being poor. It is not feasible for everyone to have access to those solutions. Part of being on the left is to recognize class struggle and suggesting plastic surgery is only available to those classes that can afford it.

Try to understand where she is coming from.

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edmund_the_destroyer wrote

Enforcing any kind of feminine standard for appearance seems completely wrong to me. There are plenty of cis+het women with facial features, hip structure, shoulder structure, chest shape, or all four that don't conform to mainstream depictions of femininity. That's a problem with the concept of a mainstream standard for femininity, not with those (cis+het or trans) women.

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GaldraChevaliere wrote

Kill yourself, breeder.

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celebratedrecluse wrote

The others are hating on you for saying this, but I think this is a completely valid response, even though it seems harsh to the other people in this thread.

Sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves, and I appreciate your doing so, for what its worth

4

curious wrote (edited )

Breeder?

Also, I'm not sure telling someone to kill themselves is the right solution here. As someone who has dealt with suicidal tendencies in the past, this would be very upsetting for me to be told, even if I had said something ignorant. You never know whether this person could be triggered by your remark.

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GaldraChevaliere wrote

I hope they are. It's pretty fucking triggering to tell one of my sisters who's in pain that she should shape her body to their fucking expectations instead of hers. Stop holding trans women to optimal virtue when some fucking cissy is starting shit because they think we want their opinion.

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curious wrote

You still shouldnt wish mental health problems on others... I mean I know what they said was very, very shitty but "kys" just isn't the response to take.

Also, this is all I could find online for what "breeder" means:

Breeder is a derogatory term for people who have children

Is this what you meant? How would you know if they had children? Why would you consider this a bad thing?

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GaldraChevaliere wrote

You must be straight. Or at least enough of a weakling to stan for straighties. I don't give a fuck what you think I should've said to them, what they said to her was far worse. I will never prioritize a non trans woman over one of my kin.

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curious wrote (edited )

I'm non binary and bi. I'm not sure all these psuedo-slurs for straight people are really the healthiest thing for the community though.

I will never prioritize a non trans woman over one of my kin.

what he said was bad, probably even worse, yes, but... do you not think this is discriminatory? anyway, I'm not trying to defend his behavior, it definitely got my downvote, but i'm really comfortable with the whole "kys" thing. just me.

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GaldraChevaliere wrote

I'm non binary and bi

If you're not a trans woman or at least femme, I don't give a shit about your opinion on this, being enby doesn't excuse you from shitty assimilationism. Double if you're CAFAB. I only stopped for Bloodrose because she's proven to be a decent person and deserves respect. I stand by what I said and I won't flinch from it.

psuedo slurs for straight people

You can't slur an oppressor class, are you fucking serious?

muh community

Fuck your 'community'. I don't give a shit about some nebulous alliance between sexual minorities where consistently trans women do the most labour for the least reward and are responsible for you having anything at all in the way of rights or any form of organization in the first place, but we're always the last to be taken care of and the first to be thrown under the bus when you want something from the straights. My priority is and always will be trans women, everyone else is secondary to me.

Do you not think this is discriminatory

See above. I don't give a shit about breeders or cis queers that don't prove themselves to be reliable and trustworthy comrades, and anyone who thinks of themselves as an 'ally' to trans women is automatically off that list.

I'm not trying to defend his behavior

Then stop doing so, quisling.

But I'm not really comfortable with the whole 'kys' thing

You're not supposed to be. I don't say shit that heavy without meaning it. Anyone who has the fucking gall to treat one of my sisters that way, especially a fucking man, is someone I have zero respect for, zero interest in accommodating, and zero interest in the survival of. I'll not say it again because Bloodrose asked me not to and it's a fair argument that saying it could harm the sister I'm defending in the first place, but I stand by having said it in the first place and I refuse to edit it in any way. Be uncomfortable all you like. Maybe be more uncomfortable that you're going to bat for some fucking breeder shittalking our own kin.

3

curious wrote

I'm CAMAB... You just really seem to hate almost everyone though. Just getting weird vibes. Let's quit this convos now.

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GaldraChevaliere wrote

If you're CAMAB then fucking educate yourself and stop subbing for people who want to see you killed. Get the fuck out of my face if you're uncomfortable with this 'conversation'.

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curious wrote

You're just sort of being an asshole. I don't think sinking to the level of bigoted dicks is very productive. And I don't think I'm getting in your face either. Please just leave me alone now.

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GaldraChevaliere wrote

You can walk away at any time, suckup. I don't think it's productive policing the language of minorities in the face of an insult, but go off.

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curious wrote

I wouldn't have told the asshole to kill himself for the same reason I wouldn't have called him retarded. There's nothing good about using mental illness/disability/whatever to insult. Yes he was the asshole 100%. His response to Sparrow was extremely unwelcome. But I also find telling people to kill themselves very out-of-place in an anarchist circle.

You're also trying to police my language, despite me being another minority, because I'm not... Minority... Enough? Because you're more femme than I am? Because you refuse to find solidarity with literally anyone but trans women?

Youre just very shouty. I will be walking away now. Goodnight

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GaldraChevaliere wrote

Policing your language by, I'm sorry, telling you straight up that you're full of shit and playing attack dog for some misogynist waste of flesh? No, you're not fucking 'minority enough', you disingenuous weakling. If you're not a trans woman or trans femme, you haven't experienced transmisogyny in any capacity save by your potential proximity to us. Without that criteria, you have no right to speak. Nonbinary identity is not a free fucking pass to uphold that shit. I refuse to find 'solidarity' with demographics that routinely abuse and suck the life out of mine, and if you have a problem with that, it's probably because you're still begging at their feet for scraps of privilege to be thrown to you. It's cute that you're saying you're walking away when you've engaged with me after I've told you to fuck off twice now. This is neither your conversation to participate in nor to control.

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curious wrote

Eek you're toxic. Please just stop replying

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