Submitted by [deleted]
on October 26, 2018 at 10:24 AM in lobby
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I tried explaining to my mother about how my partner prefers to be referred to as "they" and she would just outright refuse saying "I only use 'they' to refer to multiple people". I told her that she is being disrespectful and that I know for a fact that that is not the only time she uses 'they'. So I waited until she used it to refer to a single person, and she conceded that she was wrong about that, but said that using "'they' to refer to someone that is obviously a girl is too weird for me". Explaining that this person doesn't identify as "a girl" is not acceptable to her. She also thinks that even intersex people fall on one side or another every time. She literally got mad me for even trying to have this conversation.
Who cares about what binary you have been taught when talking about what people prefer?? why do people not have respect for someone's preferences?
Call her grandma and say she obviously looks like a grandma. No, don't do that, but it was a funny thought.
That sucks. I'm sorry that you have to deal with transphobes (enbyphobes?). Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing we can do in situations like that is not engage with people like that (but I get that that can be really hard if they're your parents). I hope they come around soon.
Yea, it's tough when any conversation involving my partner ends up making me feel like she just has no respect for my partner's wishes and pushes her and I apart further because of it. She even acts like I'm being annoying by pointing out what their preferences are. Thanks, I hope so too. She seems to understand class-war talk, but then she acts like I'm attacking her when pointing out preferences in pronoun usage. I'm not even aggressive about it.
Good luck to you and your partner. You deserve it <3
Damn. That’s tough.
I’ve been experiencing something like the inverse, where my parents have been fairly happy to use they/them for my partner, but don’t seem to be trying at all to use they/them for me. They’re not hostile about it but it’s just like, unthinkable to them, that I could be anything but their son, even as they have come to understand the non-binarity of others.
She has a need that is not being fulfilled in these moments, and whatever said the stimulus is making her feel uncomfortable feelings that resonate whatever needs that are not being met.
We have nine basic needs, and all of the needs fall into these categories:
love, empathy, rest/recreation, community, creativity, autonomy, and purpose.
one or more of these basic needs are being threatened.
when we feel like our needs are not being met we often respond in ways that other people can interpret as disrespectful.
The adults don't really know any better. They don't know how to be empathetic. we live in a society that is structured in a way where accounting seems like a more meaningful skill than empathy.
empathy is a skill you practice though. it's worth practicing.
especially when you consider that robots can do accounting now. they can't really do empathy.
feelings and needs are superpowers. when we start connecting on the levels of our feelings and needs solutions find us.
In the same speaking, your anger towards her is a sign that you are disconnected from your needs.
Anger is a guide that shows us our needs are not being met.