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stagn wrote (edited )

I didn't understand anything yesterday about the situation. I'm sorry I was silent without doing anything, but I was afraid of doing damage, I will try to be more careful in the future. With these comments I begin to understand a little more, some sentences touched me a lot because I saw myself again in asterism, since they reminded me of some dynamics I have with some important people in my private life.

In the wife of asterism I saw a lot of my mother trying to manipulate me and keep me isolated using emotions and phrases like "I have no one left, if you leave me what will I do?" (she is a widow)

In bloodrose I saw a friend of mine, I love her very much and she is one of the few people with whom I have genuine and deep mutual affection, but sometimes she comes out with shitty insensitive and very rude phrases and speeches and few people can hurt me and make me cry like she does.

Maybe if I find the time and the words II will elaborate later, it's starting to rain and my hands are frozen

I'm glad you've cleared up.

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asterism wrote

Let me at least, in my words, explain what I was and am feeling. I have a lot of respect for you which is why this sucked so much for me. and all this stuff with my wife is so confusing because despite everything I really want to consider her feelings. Though in a sick irony its that very desire to consider hher feelings that controls me.

You know I know exactly why she does the things she does. Because she thinks she is worthless and unworthy because sshe thinks she is nothing. That all her value lies in the people she surrounds herself with. That's why she can't afford to lose me. Because in her mind without me she is nothing. And I can't help but feel so so sad for her. and everything in me wants to help her past that but I can't and I feel like I am losing myself to her.

and so then I vent about getting space from her. and you know I doubt myself I don't know if its thhe right thing to do. and I don't want to abandon her with the kids and I just hhave this swirl of emotions and its so damn hard because then you ttell me to consider her feelings and for once I want to consider my own you know? and I let that slide because I figured you didn't mean harm, that you weren't really thinking about the context. But it stung.

But then I explained all the ways she tries to manipulate me to keep me isolated. You know she really only wants me to be friends with people she knows, or rather with males she knows? It was a script that has played out in various forms over the decade we've been together a script I know well. A script she uses on her friendds (minus the cheating aspects obvi).

and then you fuicking validated all her feelings on this.

and then you fucking told me about how every man in your life was basically waiting to pounce as soon as you broke up. how you don't find any man trustworthy.

and what was I supposed to take from that? Because it seemed (whether it was your intent or not ) that you were saying my wife was right to tell me all this manipulative shit. That she was right to expect me to be a cheater.

That really hurt me. Like I don't know if I can convey how much that hurt. It doesn't help that for a long time I believed that lie that SHE fed to me, that I was inherently fucked up and that if the conditions were right I would cheat with no hesitation. That's why she always says she trusts me but not other women because I am trustworth its just men can't help themselves when the conditions are right so its the women she ddoesn't trust. But that's never been who I am. God knows sometimes I wish I was vindictive and capable of cheating because you know I really want my wife to hurt for the way she has treated me but I don't have it in me to be that way.

It isn't who I am and to have you say that I was hurt so bad.

and honestly I would have fiucking cried but I coiuldn't because I was at work. So I just had to suck it up the whole day.

For what its worth I do belive you. That you weren't actually trying to say that thhat you were just being thoughtless.

I'd be lying if I said I don't feel hurt still but I forgive you and I want things to resume the way they were.

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[deleted] wrote (edited )

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lettuceLeafer wrote

Yeah this is fine. You did my request in intent so don't worry about non 24 hours.

All I really care about is that lurkers know your sorry and asterisms feels at least apologized to. And I regard these as the same metric. So if asterisms at least feels somewhat apologized to then I'll be good. And I don't hold grudges with people who aren't assholes all the time. So once that's done it's water under the bridge as far as I am concerned.

Let me clarify some things. I don't know if I did a great job at presenting the issue to you. Because honestly despite not being the target you wrote some of the most upsetting comments I've ever read in my entire life. What you wrote made me like 100 times more upset than the entire time clouds was harassing me.

So I think this wasn't because you were just being lazy. I was deeply invested in trying to be emotionally supportive and work through with asterism trying to work through really emotionally trying time. So I was someone attached to their well being.

So I would put a bunch of emotional labor into this in dms as well as in comments. And then you would come into these threads and then just be lazy and undoo all the work I did and make them upset and validate their exs abusive behavior. You did this multiple times at least for 3 days.

I think it took me a while to see your mistake because what you wrote in context was just so venomously pro abuse. (In context not intent). I honestly don't think you could have wrote more emotionally damaging comments than your wrote multiple times if you tried. Their literal purpose was to use a safe space that they were using to try and cope in their only support group might I ad and worm through their feels in a place where they were supported

You hijacked that space to do in result not intent massive victim blaming, validating the abusive behavior and just being hurtful to someone who is emotionally vulnerable.

Asterism thinks about trying to lie to make space so he can get some rare freee time where he doesnt have to worry about being degraded and yelled out. And you would come and write several paragraphs on why you think trying to get some free air from their person thumb is actually horrible and mysogynisric. Asterisms should be under their suvailance and demands at all times.

The basic reality of your words weren't offensive because you were being lazy. They turned anti abuse safe spaces into a way for you to be a loudmouth with mysandrisr goggles on to tight. You diverted a healing process and would try to turn it into a situation to soapbox and preach to asterism how their abuser was fucking right. And the latest comment you literally told them how their wife behavior which is unobjectably trying to control all their friends so the are in control of every friend asterisms has. You validated that beliefz put asterisms under the microscope and would demand of the to think about how the actually deserve to not have friends of their own.

And to be clear. If I the frequent arguer for fun who literally harassed on line and doesnt care say that you almost made me cry multiple times that should say something. Because I was only going to cry from watching the amount of harm you have caused.

I know you didn't mean it but I think what you did was on eo fthe most emotionally damaging things a mainstream raddle user has ever said. I literally wished you should leave and clouds would replace you because I think what you were saying would have been too far even for them.

Now that wasn't your point which is important and is why I don't expect more than a decent apology. Though I just wanted to make it clear now that I'm not super emotionally upset how upsetting your comments are.

If you were just being lazy and not paying attention I wouldn't have cared. You made it so asterisms had no space free from listening to how all the horrible behavior he experiences is valid and his fault.

Which wasn't your purpose but it doesnt make me feel better days ago when I read you comment I tried to distract myself so I don't just cry. And again this isn't about me I don't need or want an apology. I just bring it up because to try explain how much you probably hurt asterisms. And anyone watching your behavior.

Yeah that's it. And to be clear I don't think shit is about guilt or shame. Just own up to it we all make fucked up mistakes and you weren't even conious about it. I've conciously said a bunch of horrible hit over the years that I shouldn't have. You make it right with the people you hurt, you change and you get over it. I don't say this to hurt you.

I say this because I want shit back to normal and I was to be completely honest so there won't be long standing grudges and people can get over it. Though if I don't make sure to explain properly how upset people were they u still might be in the dark.

And I do care about you. I wouldn't have put all this time and energy into trying to make shit work. If I didn't like you or were mad at you I would have just swore and been rude to you to get you to leave. So all my writing had the purpose of trying to make amends between you to so everyone stays happy and people stick around.

I don't say this cuz I hate you. Even though it might feel like I said it to hurt you. I just say it so you can understand and things can go back to being chill and everyone is being respected.

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[deleted] wrote

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lettuceLeafer wrote (edited )

Yeah cool. I'm sure asterisms will be really happy to read your apology. I can't or won't speak for them. But it seemed to me they appreciate talking to you and would wanna still be friendly. So I won't be surprised if this is all resolved.

So if you need to sleep you have done decent enough in addressing stuff. But also I don't wanna be the one who makes that decision solely.

But I'm glad you are being cool. I mean it's not that unexpected. This is expected behavior of you so your reputation still stand in my eyes. As we all mess up. When asterisms responds and is at least somewhat okay then I hope shit goes back to normal

It's always really upsetting when things like this goes badly and one person feels overly slighted. I don't want you to leave because it can't be resolved and I don't want this to feel unresolved so it come sup later. I'd rather solve the issue and it not be a problem.

P.s. sorry if my messages seem like I have 2 personalities. I'm trying to do ideal mediation tactics. Which usually has three groups, one to help the person hurt, one to try and catalyze fixing the division and one person to help console the person who accidentally caused X problem.

And I think that last one is important. In the past the person called out doesn't get any support on raddle and maybe that's a issue. So I'm trying to wear all three because I don't want this to be a messy problem or one person gets more emotionally hurt than needed

But it's kinda a pain in the ass because this method isn't designed for one person to do a three tasks. But my point is I think mediation is close to done. But. Also want to help I feel seen too because it's not easy owning up to stuff. It sounds a little silly but your emotions and feeling bad for hurting someone you like on accident are real too and you deserve to have some comfort and not just listen to criticism.

But I also couldn't really do that when I was trying to hold you accountable because it's conflicting. So sorry if I did this kinda shitty in a way that's it harder for you than it had to. Because it's not like you are some villain. You are someone who is well liked and hurt someone's feelings because of how they appreciate your existance.

So I don't want you to feel like you are getting treated like a troll because you emotions are important too. And raddle would suck if anyone who makes mistakes just gets dragged while they are feeling bad. That doesn't help anyone.

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