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asterism wrote

Let me at least, in my words, explain what I was and am feeling. I have a lot of respect for you which is why this sucked so much for me. and all this stuff with my wife is so confusing because despite everything I really want to consider her feelings. Though in a sick irony its that very desire to consider hher feelings that controls me.

You know I know exactly why she does the things she does. Because she thinks she is worthless and unworthy because sshe thinks she is nothing. That all her value lies in the people she surrounds herself with. That's why she can't afford to lose me. Because in her mind without me she is nothing. And I can't help but feel so so sad for her. and everything in me wants to help her past that but I can't and I feel like I am losing myself to her.

and so then I vent about getting space from her. and you know I doubt myself I don't know if its thhe right thing to do. and I don't want to abandon her with the kids and I just hhave this swirl of emotions and its so damn hard because then you ttell me to consider her feelings and for once I want to consider my own you know? and I let that slide because I figured you didn't mean harm, that you weren't really thinking about the context. But it stung.

But then I explained all the ways she tries to manipulate me to keep me isolated. You know she really only wants me to be friends with people she knows, or rather with males she knows? It was a script that has played out in various forms over the decade we've been together a script I know well. A script she uses on her friendds (minus the cheating aspects obvi).

and then you fuicking validated all her feelings on this.

and then you fucking told me about how every man in your life was basically waiting to pounce as soon as you broke up. how you don't find any man trustworthy.

and what was I supposed to take from that? Because it seemed (whether it was your intent or not ) that you were saying my wife was right to tell me all this manipulative shit. That she was right to expect me to be a cheater.

That really hurt me. Like I don't know if I can convey how much that hurt. It doesn't help that for a long time I believed that lie that SHE fed to me, that I was inherently fucked up and that if the conditions were right I would cheat with no hesitation. That's why she always says she trusts me but not other women because I am trustworth its just men can't help themselves when the conditions are right so its the women she ddoesn't trust. But that's never been who I am. God knows sometimes I wish I was vindictive and capable of cheating because you know I really want my wife to hurt for the way she has treated me but I don't have it in me to be that way.

It isn't who I am and to have you say that I was hurt so bad.

and honestly I would have fiucking cried but I coiuldn't because I was at work. So I just had to suck it up the whole day.

For what its worth I do belive you. That you weren't actually trying to say that thhat you were just being thoughtless.

I'd be lying if I said I don't feel hurt still but I forgive you and I want things to resume the way they were.

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[deleted] wrote (edited )

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