Submitted by zoom_zip in lobby

yo

this is a mental health check-in. bundle up your worries, your stresses, your anxieties; pack ‘em all up in a ball and pass it round the group so we can all share it for a minute.

you can post negative stuff. you can post positive stuff too.

if you lurk these threads do me one quick favour and if someone posts something that you relate to, just say “yeah, i feel this”. you might not think it’s a substantive comment but it can be nice for that person just to know they’re not alone.

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metocin wrote

feeling good about slowly quitting my drug habits. weed is the biggest problem but I know it's going to be weird socializing without drinking. I'm just focused on getting to a point where I'm sober, clearheaded and able to function and be happy without constant weed smoking and caffeine/alcohol consumption.

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jouissance wrote

had a mental breakdown at work, so i'm now in my week-long leave of absence. the time off really isn't helping though, because all of my addictions are roaring in my face, and the neighbours next to the house won't stop whatever noisy construction project it is that they're doing.

i'm in desperate need for affection and human touch. i'm the loneliest i've ever been, but i can't "love myself", so even if this pandemic wasn't happening i guess that means i don't deserve love from others. sorry for falling into self-pity

i'm an anxious, OCD-ridden broken shell of what might have been a human being (at one time). i feel inhuman now, i feel like a cyborgized Bloom that will die by its own hands (or that of the State) the further I fall into this insanity

Maybe I should have tried harder in these things, but I'm tired of meditating, CBT, exercise... each ine contains kernels of genuinely useful things, but how they're all posited as mechanisms that can help one to "cope" within this final Leviathan, this planet-wide hell makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't want to cope to this. I'm tired of this. I've burned nearly all of my bridges and want to be loved, but I fuck that up when someone is kind enough to pity me. The only solution I can see for me is death. Everything else just feels like putting off the inevitable.

Death won't bring relief, but at list it'll signal an end to all of this. Some shitty logic here I know, but even if I won't be able to enjoy a sunrise or the feel of a lover's hand against my skin, I'd sacrifice all of that so that I wouldn't have to deal with the sensation of subtle hyperventilation that characterizes nearly every moment when I'm awake.

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metocin wrote

I can relate, just know that death is never the only option. I have felt that at times in my life and even with everything that could make me depressed (like you said with Leviathan), I'm still so grateful that I'm alive.

Work can make things so much worse and that has been a big issue in my life. I recently quit the best-paying job I've had yet due to mental health reasons, and almost broke up with my partner because of how I was feeling. Sometimes it's hard to see happiness in our future but I promise you there is some there. It's hard to tell yourself to be happy and hang on when you have so many reasons not to, but I promise that it's worth it.

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Kinshavo wrote

I feel you in somehow, but it is hard to completely understand what you are passing by now. I really like your music contributions, and sometimes I can imagine someones personality by the things they share and what interests them.

I wish I could give you anything that would help you feel better, I just wish you had more space, time and peace for you to be who you really need to be.

I am struggling with other issues myself and for time I am lost hoping that a future will bring more peace to me, one step at time, one breath at time.

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zoom_zip OP wrote

can you get away from where you are and go somewhere else? just because you're on sick leave doesn't mean you have to stay at home. i'm just going to throw out some suggestions 1) if you can get out in nature it is usually worth doing 2) do you have family that can support you or who you could maybe go and stay with for a short time?

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jouissance wrote (edited )

I'm living with my parents, being around them all day every day for more than a year (when I'm not working) has made everything worse. If not due to their seeming omnipresence, then maybe just by the silent judgements that their actions and my interactions with them seem to be burdened by.

I should go to the few wild places left here, but they're overflowing with people and I just feel worse going there when I can't feel any sense of solitude with all the voices. I know a lot of this is my own fault and I should just go there earlier, but I'm just so paranoid about being around strangers right now with the COVID variants taking off in Ontario like wildfire.

I'm full of excuses, I know it says a lot about the quality (or lack thereof) of my character, but they're what I've tricked myself into feeling trapped within.

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zoom_zip OP wrote

it sounds like you give yourself a real hard time. i hope you don’t mind me saying that. like, you put yourself down before anyone else gets a chance, but nobody was going to.

you’re okay.

i know it’s easy for me to say all the way over here on the internet, but you know, you can’t see how other people respect you as long as you don’t respect yourself.

i hope you can find a way to use this time off to rest and reset, and get outside where you can. and don’t rush back, because fuck work.

peace

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jouissance wrote

I've hated myself for at least 17 years, it was so formative to what "identity" I have now that I feel utterly entrenched in it, I can't even imagine a "me" that would ever be free of that self-hatred.

Thanks for the kind words. When I'm in this pit (I almost always am) it's hard for me to recognize the helping hands that still exist, even if it's through the alienation of the Net. Thank you for reaching out, genuinely.

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CameronNemo wrote

I've also had a lot of anxiety around work and my career. Been feeling like I want to take an extended period of time off, but also feeling like that is only a band aid. I almost wish I could just find some low stress job that is a fraction of my current income. Maybe if work gets worse.

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vpn_disconnected wrote

My long-time partner and I have been making loads of progress over the past month or two around concepts like vulnerability, anxiety, self-abuse, and overall communication. It feels like I’m getting to know them all over again, in a very refreshing and rewarding way. It’s nice to watch them self-actualize in ways that will (hopefully) spill over into other areas of their life. This all comes on the back of their struggles with unemployment, anxiety around identity, being diagnosed with a chronic illness after a year of uncertainty, and other misc shit, so it’s a welcome break for them.

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zoom_zip OP wrote

hey that sounds great! just being open and honest about those kinds of things can be a real lift.

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moonlune wrote

I'm bored with life.

Any idea of stuff I can add to my bucket list to work towards and maybe find taste again?

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zoom_zip OP wrote

i don't know if i can relate in the same way, but i definitely feel like i've forgotten how to have fun. i don't know if this is nostalgia for childhood; but it felt like there was a time when i could enjoy things and not be completely beaten and broken by the onslaught of existential dread that permeates every waking moment of being alive.

anyway, are bucket lists things that people really have? i thought they only existed in films about bucket lists. maybe i should get one.

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moonlune wrote

Yeah same. Everything is bland, I'm only going through the motion.

I've been working towards my driver's license and my degree, but now that those are finished I don't have anything to look forward to. There's stuff like the American dream of house+wife+kids which I consider as a "bucket list", but am not interested in those. I fell like my life has parked and I have nothing to look forward to.

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Vulgar_Soda wrote

I fell like my life has parked and I have nothing to look forward to.

Same. I keep thinking back to when I lived in a hostel. Everyday was different, everyday a new adventure. and now, I feel like I've been living the same day on repeat for over a year. No new friendships. No new experiences (besides the games I occupy my spare time with).

Been mulling over doing something impulsive, like dropping everything to work on a random farm in some random part of the world I haven't yet been to. I've heard mixed things about WWOOFing. I mostly want to pick up "green" skills. I can't even take care of my roommate's succulents while she's away. They're all grey and wilted. I should do more research on the farm thing ...

How about adding copious amounts of strange sex to your bucket list? Always makes me feel better.

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CameronNemo wrote

I like to write when I can. Poetry or short stories usually.

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moonlune wrote

That is a really good idea. Thanks!

I've been thinking by myself too and I will also start learning a foreign language for fun.

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CameronNemo wrote

Was inspired by /u/metocin and others. Have not smoked weed since Friday. Hopefully it sticks.

Have had some struggles with acute anxiety due to school and work, but feeling alright now.

No real IRL support system apart from blood relatives. Luckily they are relatively nice people. But they are not really part of my generation, and I feel like they cannot understand my perspective well.

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metocin wrote

good to hear! I can relate to your situation somewhat, just stay as positive as you can. you'll find likeminded people somewhere, even if it's just online for now.

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zoom_zip OP wrote

good job making progress on your goals!

i wish i could offer some advice about support systems but i’m not great at reaching out to people myself. i know it’s not a perfect substitute but i guess keep checking in here for support when you need it.

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groovygardener42069 wrote

I started using some app so I can learn how to play piano. Piano was this big mountain I've always been afraid to climb, but it's probably the most important skill I could be building as a musician, so I figure now is the time to build the habit vs. once I have social engagements competing for my time and attention.

I hope that last weekend was the final false spring of the year, I'm gonna cry if I have to watch my plants go through another cold front in like the middle of May

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zoom_zip OP wrote

here’s a secret

if you just play all the black keys and never play any of the white keys, they all sound great together and you can look like a piano virtuoso just running up and down them, smashing any combination of them to make chords, and creating little arpeggios of random notes.

the only theory that helps is being able to keep to time, but even that’s not a necessity.

the same principle applies to only playing the white keys, but it doesn’t sound as good. just rock those black keys.

good luck with it though. piano is awesome.

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groovygardener42069 wrote

I know enough theory to know that trick lol

But I want to be able to add a skill to the toolkit and be able to do things that separate myself from everyone and their stepmom who's a DJ right now, like jam out over some records and hotmix drum machines and stuff into sets. Kinda makes it so I should know some other keys besides Cmaj, Amin, Cflat minor pentatonic, and Eflat major pentatonic

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