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jouissance wrote (edited )

I haven't been hugged in over a year, am extremely touch starved and was just rejected by a friend who I had (and still have) strong romantic feelings towards.

She doesn't want a relationship right now, and I respect that, I really do. The rejection just really hurts, and I'm deep in a toxic rut of not wanting to put myself through more dating apps, because I did that for years and it sucked the soul out of me.

I think I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that my ex might be the only person who ever loved me, even if he loved the idea of "me" more than who I actually am. I feel like I'm not worthy of relationships, I know my desperation, no self- confidence and near-perpetually miserable mood just makes people understandably repulsed with me.

I went to the hardware store after a nine and a half hour shift of being dehumanized by customers who constantly violate my personal space and refuse to wear masks, and bought a sizeable length of rope, but I also foraged some seed packets so that I can have something to hold onto. I feel like I have one foot in the grave and another one wondering if I should just get it over with already.

I need help, but I think I'll just ignore it like I always do. Just have no clue why I'm here anymore.

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Basil OP wrote

I get that. I still have feelings for my friend who I broke up with about a month and a half ago now, and the combination of having romantic feelings for someone while also being friends with them can be a lot to bear, especially when you're touch starved. You are worthy of relationships though, you just need to find the right person. People who are right are few and far between for an anarchist, I find. If you ever need to talk about something, I'm here.

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CameronNemo wrote

I think I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that my ex might be the only person who ever loved me, even if he loved the idea of "me" more than who I actually am.

I can empathize with this a lot. I still get nostalgic years later. Life has not been the same since they left.

Just have no clue why I'm here anymore.

Pre-pandemic, I was volunteering with a habitat restoration organization. It was rewarding work. Unfortunately they no longer meet AFAIK.

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jouissance wrote (edited )

I'm making a last-ditch effort to go to college so that I can eventually get a career in ecological restoration, I'm just trying to get the will to live right now and am too cynical to see any sort of future worth living for.

If I was in my early 20s I think there'd be more drive. I'm closer to 30 now and all I feel is hollow.

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