Hugz

I've been alone most of my life, it's easier once you realize everyone you meet will let you down and blame it on you and their expectations for who you should be.

It would appear that isolating yourself would be cruel and unnatural solution. I have had a somewhat similar experience-- I tried to isolate myself with the exception of family, partially because of a paranoia of transphobia and misgendering, and ended up cross-justifying the isolation by telling myself that I was a horrible person and exaggerating past mistakes. Eventually I realised that it was not the case-- or did not have to be.

Do these things still happen for interactions in person? It appears to be easier to be less considerate when there is no one whose reaction to watch. And empathy has its complexities-- a face is easier to empathise with than a string of letters, and a string of letters is easier to empathise with than a statistic. Perhaps getting away from just these faster-moving social media sites and focusing more on in-person or secure video call interactions would be helpful.

If you do want to be alone and feel better about it, finding a forest to visit or anywhere with wild life could help. In the northern hemisphere, this would be a good time to look for wild mushrooms too, if the soils are not contaminated by heavy metals.

finding out what degree of openness that you are comfortable with is an individual case by case basis. you do not owe anybody who is just a passerby or casual acquaintance, your whole life story. It's work, and it should only occur in an environment which is of your choosing.

If one haven't been in compromising situations, where you made decisions you regret, one have been privileged. remember that when you get the urge to hate yourself.

I've spent the better part of the last few years travelling predominantly by myself. Loniness is hard, especially this self imposed version you are talking about. I think seeking a therapist is a good option, I am concerned you will run into similar issues that I hit which was that you cannot safely tell your therapist certain things here in the US, like if I mentioned I was suicidal I could get put into a mental institution involuntarily and potentially lose my gun rights. If you can find somebody, maybe through social media or by searching alternative sources outside the traditional medical system, that is doing any kind of community base trauma support, that might be a great option for you.

There are other options also if the isolation you're feeling is cultural, you have a lot of options being from a Schnegen country. I live in the US and I have pretty bad capitalism fatigue, but we don't have as many options for leaving as you do. There are many countries that have somewhat socialist governments in Europe, many of which it wouldn't be too hard for you to relocate to. You could travel until you land somewhere you like. If you are strapped for cash, give trainhopping a try, if you have some money socked away you could always get a van and travel pretty comfortably. It would also give you a way to lay down roots while saving for an apartment somewhere.

I think for me, long periods of isolation are nice, I get to work out a lot of things, learn how to survive off the grid even in a despotic country like the US. Learning to accept loneliness is a very difficult but highly advantageous skill, it will make you much more resilient and you will learn a lot about yourself in the process. In the mean time you can be working on deconstructing the beliefs and/or traumas that are creating this toxicity for you. I hope you find an amenable way of coping. If you are feeling very hopeless, do something drastic... change your life in a way you never thought you could see yourself doing. go somewhere crazy, exhaust all the options, because why the fuck not.

It can be really hard to live within the colonial system that has left very few parts of the world unharried. If you can't find a place within this system as a lot of us have found, it can be pretty useful to find ways to live outside of it to the best of your ability. Changing the world isn't always an option, but changing yourself certainly is.

I've been there. Fuck, exactly there. It's a really rough spot friend. I used to be really toxic just two years ago. I can see past me in your situation, I think if there was anything past me needed to hear more than anything it's this; You are not an inherently bad person, you can work on your downfalls and your toxicity. You can change. You will change. You don't need hope because it will happen. I love you and you need to learn to love others as well as yourself, that is so fucking cliche but also the best thing in the world, it wont come naturally. Don't stress about learning self love and love for others and learning to be non toxic, try and be yourself and express yourself and work on yourself. If others wont accept you, Fuck Them. You don't deserve or need them, keep up hope, keep searching for friends, keep searching for lovers, keep searching for social groups, keep searching for like-minded people. Just do it. You will only let yourself down if you expect to meet friends often, just get into the habit of lurking socially and being active. If a place bugs you, GTFOT. Make what friends you can along the way, don't settle for toxic or mean people or ANYONE who violates your boundries of what you find comfortable. No matter what, know you are valid, and I think you're valid. Trust me, I've been so so so deep in the toxic rabbit hole. Horrible thoughts. You are always valid. You are an amazing person. You will be a great person, self development is so good and it will happen to you, you are not stuck as this person forever.

Seeking out mental health therapy & psychiatry is a very good idea, remember that it usually takes a few sessions to click with a therapist, and you need to try and address problems with them, speak up. I have bad social anxiety so a way I do this is I write what I need to say on a piece of paper as fast as possible without thinking and hand it over so I don't have any second thoughts. Medicine has drastically improved my quality of life, it may not work as well for you and keep in mind the side effects.

Sorry, that was really long. I feel really passionate about this. Please believe me when I say that you will live an amazing fufilling life, and all of this is just a bad phase of your life, some day, sooner than it feels, it will all be a distant bad memory.