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lettuceLeafer wrote

lota highs and lows but I mostly ignore those things.

Think I might have to get a new phone to do tiktok on. My growth just got decimated even tho the ban got lifted. Which sucks bc my account had started to do really well, one of my vids got over 50k views. Which is okay but good for me. I'll wait a bit to see if shadow ban lifts.

Quite a few people asking to pay me money, but I'm won't make enough money for it to be worthwhile atm, need to get a better space and rather focus solely on audience growth atm. Only fans KYC verification is a massive pain. Would much rather avoid the service entirely but taking traditional methods of payment becomes way more risky and very easy to get banned from making money by banks. Plus only fans is way more convinient as many people won't have to make a new account. So its not a loss just a pain for me.

Feeling really fucking insecure for the first time in a while. My cousin who is super busy bc she just had a baby and life has a bunch fo stuff going on didn't respond to my text. Which I get it tho, in the back of my mind I keep wondering if she like hates me or things I'm a shit person. Which isn't accurate at all. She is just incredibly busy which is what happens when u have a new born, alcoholic baby daddy and full time job. Totally should offer to help watch kid every once and a while once I move to my house.

I don't feel any excitement about working on my house. Mostly i guess anxiety about change and it being fucking cold as shit atm. Plus I need to figure out what anti theft methods I need to do on vehicle. Stuff getting stolen is pretty common.

I hate using cannabis tbh. I keep forgetting like once every s months then do a decent amount then just feel like shit. Plus I ate about 4000 callories and kinda was just uncomfortable and unable to do much all day.

Kratom being legal is so fucking nice. I prefer it to traditional opiates, its way cheaper, can't od and its legal so currently drug wise my experiences is pretty nice. I really should set it up so I can grow my own supply as kratom is like coffeee or cocains a crop of immperialism. Tho from what I can tell, kratom workers seem to have like the best conditions and pay off all farm workers. Still not an excuss but its way better than coffee.

Tho the prob is where I live it would have to be in a green house. So growing kratom is a long term goal that I hope to get done by the end of the decade. I should start while its legal but I can't really do it atm.

Have a shit ton of thoughts about work that I can't write about publicly sadly. Tho its a kinda thing where I'm really confused and can't write it down or figure out feelings. I've tried a couple times to write but can't get anything. Tho I have no trouble writing other stuff.

I'm at the point where most of my excitement is gone as I am able to work on stuff, and its very up in the air how stuff will go so its really fucking anxiety inducing. Which I deal with well but it is a lot.

A different cousin called me for my birthday recently. It was really weird. I didn't really want to talk so they just invited me to hang out sometime and that they missed me and said they they loved me. Which it was so weird since I've been pretty anti social for like 8-10 months. Which I thought was far more resent. But even then its been a really long time since I had a close friendship or relationship.

So my point it just that short phone called made me feel emotions I kinda forgot I had it was weird. Not going to hang out with them. Would like to catch up but wouldn't want to talk about anything I'm doing and just generally wouldn't want to hear their opinions on my life.

Still a bit stuck in the position where I'm like I really want to move out. But god damn is it cold af and less comfortable. Think I need to start getting seriously used to the idea and wean into it a bit.

Right now I feel really fucking emotionally confused and it really sucks. I feel like a lot of conflicting emotions all at once.

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rot wrote

getting a better work/life balance

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lettuceLeafer wrote

Went to go work on house and turns out the voltage on my battery was high enough the drill could run but so low it can't drill holes in plywood. So now I'm in a very very bad mood.

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