i’m not playing by the rules haha. i steal all my groceries. i live in my car. i grow my hair long and kiss boys and do the things i enjoy. the rules i’m breaking are the ones i grew up with that created a person i wasn’t happy with. honestly, even going to college breaks those rules.

i’m in college because i read this book a few months ago, Atomic Habits by James Clear, and he talked about how you subconsciously adopt the habits of the groups you inhabit. i wanted to be around the kind of people who go college and so i went.

i’m at an incredibly specific college that offers the only degree of its kind in this country. it is bizarrely a community college. but i’m not the only one who gave up everything to be here. there is a trio of three friends from california who came here when i did. another from montana. chicago. this program specifically brings together misfits from all across the country who share the same passion.

i don’t care about relaxing. i’ve done enough of that already. i relaxed my way into 17k in credit card debt haha. i relaxed my way into being a complacent person with no dreams and few friends.

the miscommunication here is that you assumed i’m going to college for a good job. i’m going to college because it represents conquering something that has always held me back- i quit. i’m afraid.

i’m in college because its the thing i’m afraid of most. i’m afraid of trying to learn and failing.

i didn’t learn how to ollie a skateboard until this year. its an analogy- in skating, you’ll never land a trick if you don’t commit. but committing gets you hurt at the same time. college is the ollie for me. getting a degree is landing a hard ass trick just for the sake of “i wanted to.”

does that make more sense?