3

Adventures in carhopping

Submitted by panritethegr8 in carhopping

Before we get started I just want to clarify that carhoping is in no way my jam , and I unfortunately have had very little luck with it, other than when one of my DB's was giving me $10 a battery, which is a little more than scrap rates, but he took every live battery, no questions asked which turned out to be pretty lucrative for me. At the time I was hamstrung by Ohio's don't buy registry, basically, anyone with a theft related felony is barred from pawning/selling to pawnshops or selling scrap metal, resulting, ironically, in my case, being forced into illegal activity by cutting me off from the totally legal method of obtaining my morning ticket wandering the back roads and alleys looking for scrap metal. I could regularly find enough scrap to earn the $50 I needed to start my morning off right laying around in alleys and as people got to know me they would even pay me to remove whatever metal they had lying around in basments and garages just to get rid of it! Anyway back to the subject at hand Carhoping! What I started out doing was riding my bike into German Village, an affluent neighborhood, as I couldn't bring myself to take a car battery from my own hood, not from people who are struggling just to survive that's fucked up! Im a thief, but I do operate under a code, I don't take from other poor people, drug dealers however are fair game. I would operate under the usual guidelines I see laid out in the various forms I've encountered since, I. E. Going out between 3 to 5am, sticking to the shadows, spending no more than 90 seconds on a car, which I achived by using lineman pliers to just cut through the battery cable entirely, and FYI if a battery is secured by only the plastic clamp that one tightens up one can relive car of said battery by giving a sharp yank of the battery strap towards ones chest. Eventually I grew tired of wandering neighborhoods checking 70 to 100 cars to obtain my 5 battery quota and thought to myself that there had to be a better way when suddenly Inspiration struck! I was at an aquaintences house when I saw that asshole Fred Ricart with his Ricart mega mall millionaire ass hamming it up in one of his fake music video T.V. commercials capering like some abusurd caricature of a stereotypical example of what our probable illuminati lizard overlords imagine a mid life crisis looks like, all the while tightly grasping an acoustic guitar that I soooo badly wanted to swing at his pudgy, pasty, face, like it was some talisman of relevence and relatability, you could almost hear him squealing "You can trust me!, I'm hip! I'm covering the fucking BEACH BOY'S for Christ sakes! When you buy a Ford from me, your goddamned well sticking it to the MAN!" Well boys and girls, I'm not even gonna lie, as I watched the scene unfold before my eyes my muse was working double time jack! I figured the place was so huge, security was bound to be lax in such a massive complex, I mean we're talking the RICART MEGA motherfucking MALL! And so after a few recon missions to confirm that the plan was indeed workable, the joint was practically a graveyard after 12:00 aside from a few security patrols that seemed to spend more time talking to one another than actually securing any part of the perimeter, and a few mechanics slaving away in the bowels of Satan's own Ford dealership, an aquaintence and myself penetrated enemy territory armed only with a backpack of the neccsary tools (channel locks, lineman's, large straight screwdriver, 2 wagons I had taken the time to muffle so they rolled almost in silence, the small set of bolt cutters that granted us access inside the fenceline and whatever you call that chain pipe cutting device I brought along as an afterthought thinking mabey we could grab a few catlytic coverters while we were at it. To make a long story somewhat less a rambling stoned monologue of a random junkies glory days of yesteryear, it was beyond easy, 3 separate trips into occupied(?) territory netted 60(!) BRAND NEW batteries which I was able to negotiate an increase from $10 to $25 dollars apiece netting us $1500.00 in theory, 24 grams of brown , 7grams white, and 350.00 cash was closer to reality but still all in all not bad for a few hours!

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

2

db_cooper wrote

This story is awesome. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

1

panritethegr8 wrote

Thanks, I really have a million of em' lol, sometimes I think I should write a book about all of my (mis)adventures!