I'm sober now but nothing else really changed.
A week ago I gave in and decided to stop by the dispensary on my way back from an errand. I changed my mind and turned when I was halfway there because I thought about having to stand in front of the counter and socialize with the budtender, caving in when they try to upsell, feeling pressured to tip 20% on top of the likely >$100 total, and still feeling embarrassed that I tipped too much. Big win for social anxiety.
I was hoping being high all the time was worsening my acne. No, it's still here.
I mostly put this here to try to hold myself accountable. If I had the self control to consume weed only once in a while, I would probably go back. But I can't. I tried every time but always fell back to the same habits.
]]>Fast forward to last year, when I tried and immediately became addicted to blow to try and do more WFH when coffee was failing. I went on a +3 month bender and didn't know till I was in treatment that I was really even addicted.
It's my first time with an addiction like this, so I thought everything would be fine moving forward. But it got more complicated. It turns out that every day is complicated, but since the 2-3 month of my bender up till now (> 6 months later), I've slowly lost people to talk to one by one. It was super hurtful, but I managed.
But recently, I questioned my mentor about why I was hearing less and less from them. They sent me a post in response (as all their responses had become) saying that they hadn't been setting the necessary emotional boundaries because they wanted to fix me to stop experiencing discomfort that reflected their own. Actually, they never really answered my question, however, this is what they sent me 2 days after I asked so it's an assumption.
I never "hurt" any of these people, but I know I have introduced a lot of uncertainty, chaos, and instability into their lives with my use. I don't use anymore, but I'm way more unhinged and chaotic than before, generally unstable. I guess I don't blame anyone especially at this time for stepping away, but it feels like a comedic tragedy to me that this is coming just as I was learning to actually lean on people and let them in.
I want to isolate and wall up again, never let anyone in about what I'm going through, never trust deeply again.
]]>Most I've been able to go without both is a yea max r,but afterwards, there's no motivation to continue.
I know that the alcohol is worse for me, it's bcaused me problems and I know avoiding it would be best, but I've been using more frequently since my dad died from cancer complications last year. I know that I don't want to be a drunkard, but being isolated, introverted and none to greagrious, I fear fallong back into patterns of daily abuse
I don't think it helps that I now have to leave my house for enslavment tha to promised hirer pay, but due to HR issues, I'm mow losong more.money than I make.
Instead of going home, I spent three hours at some dive insteading of heading home and studying.
I know this is my reaction to alienation and I don't want to fallback into abusive habits, but I don't really ahve any will to be sober since my dad died.
I know I'm drinking as a substitute for interpersonal conatct since I'm not of a mindset to meet starngers, don't nreally engage in cretive hobbies anymore and ge to be motivated by my awareness of the world.
I know what habist I'd replace with drinking,but it's difficult to do alone and compunded by the fact that I don't reachout to peopel, even though I knownit would help me.
Long atory shirt, how's ya'llnstay sober without a supoort network?
Sorry about rant, spelling errors and grammar
]]>I think I can see effects: my hands are not trembling as much as they used to be, my legs are not trembling when I do sit-ups, headaches are almost gone, I'm falling asleep much more easily. I rarely saw dreams when I felt asleep drunk, but now I see them every night and they are usually quite entertaining. I know it's a long-long-long way ahead, and it's hard and will be only harder, I think my alcoholism will be with me for the rest of my life, but when I see the effects, I think it worth it, I don't want to loose it. It helps me.
At evenings I make a lot of spicy tomato juice and drink it instead of beer - also helps. Also, as I already said, avoiding to buy "animal products" food kinda reinforce my will to avoid buying alcohol - if I can do one, I can do the other.
Maybe I will make it, maybe I won't. I don't want to promise myself too much and risk the disappointment in myself.
Thanks for listening, it's the only place I can express myself that openly. Thank you.
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https://cloudfront.crimethinc.com/pdfs/We-Are-All-Very-Anxious.pdf
]]>Being vegan and eating enough has helped me a lot on this journey. It's not the only thing that has helped me, but it has helped me a lot with the brain and emotional stuff.
I'm still working on myself, but I survived.
It's been a little over a year since I broke my contract with Satan.
I made it. :-)
I don't do a 12 step program, but I am familiar with the concepts of those programs, and why they do work for some people. However, I have created my own recovery program that works. :-)
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