Submitted by timefocus in Worker (edited )

So the story goes: am immigrant at 10, parents and me not handling move to new country very well, get a brother and sister, moving out for highschool at 15 because fuck that. Finished highschool, got some friends, my first girlfriend and kind of a life, but hey, time to start uni, scratch that start over in a new city. During first month in a new city, my first friend, and a neighbor in HS dies. Still painful with the details, you know. Overdose, pretty sure an intentional one. Never felt so lonely. Never felt so afraid. Guilt was overwhelming. And noone to talk to about it, except 4chan. It was harder to get to know people in big city. So I start to drink, party and more drugs than I care to write about here. Never got into opiates, for which I'm thankful. Get some shallow friendships at uni, kinda hovering on the border of getting kicked out, more people die. Kept in touch with friends from HS, started forming meaningful relationships, started painting and writing poetry and kind of finally started to flourish and clean up. So eventually i kind of "finish" med school (except for pediatrics exam and the master thesis I'll come back to that later) and go to work as an underpayed doctor at 24. And hey, where to start but addiction psychiatry. At the same time heartbreaking breakup with then ohmyentireworldlel gf.

So I plunge into work, to work 60 hour weeks trying to set people straighter, getting payed less than my contract said (because HR said so), realizing that I am locked in this huge bureaucratic machine with patients treated like fucking cattle or worse. I mean forget psychotherapy, forget patient confidentiality. Doctor meets patient once a week, and they talk pills or "misbehavior", which is basically if you act up you out or you get a shot of Risperidone in your ass. So you know, me being naive or whatever, started talking to patient. You know, shit like getting to know them, try to help them find the beauty in themselves, pointing to possibilities and exits from their current state of life. Sometimes just listening to the stories, one day about a child soldiers childhood, another about current updates from organized crime in the city. I think I managed to help some people out, even though it was kind of exhausting. The paperwork is real, and I shit you not most days more than 50% of my time went to administration. Sometimes I was the only "doctor" for two wards. Forget 7-5, this was 7-7. I made it a point to meet every patient every day. But you know, soon enough people start to react. Meanwhile, I'm working these emergency psychiatry shifts. On one of them a girl in her twenties comes in, kind of hard to make contact with, doesnt say a word, kind of rigid body. Senior doc comes in casts a glance, says she fakes it, put her into "sober-up unit". Blood tests negative for everything but low dose amphetamines. Next day I get the call from the unit and the girl is not getting better. Do basic neurology exam, find stroke (aaaaand guilt). A friend worked with her on rehab 1,5 years later she still doesn't talk. Whatever. This takes half a day (admin, ctscan, getting approvals from senior doctor). Meantime guy on the main ward gets so mad he gets restrained, because lol he woke up late and they stopped serving breakfast or something. The only time any of my patients needed restrain.

So this is where I now can see I made a mistake. I got kind of mad, so together with the other three doctors we made a big nice letter to the boss, explaining what happened and how we could change routines to prevent things like this from happening. Answer: "We will look into it". So pretty soon there starts a rumor that I am having sexual relationships with my patients (which, for the record I did not, even though twice I got a very nonsexual little awkward hug i guess). I am forced to quit, I find a next job, then they call up my next job, shitting on my face. The other doctors are gone during the next month. Next job (psychosis ward) thus starts with me being put on fulltime paperwork. I grind my teeth, play nice and get told if after three months the senior doctor says he wants me to stay than I can stay. Forget meeting patients every day. I now try to follow all guidelines and customs i can see are not directly dangerous. Three months pass, he says he wants me to stay, I get all happy, then mail from a boss about meeting and then he says they need to cut down on doctors and that I'm too honest for this. I crash. Don't know what to do. I try to finish rest of my school, ask for unemployment benefits or poor help or whatever, get denied, struggle to get by. That was a year ago. Finished pediatrics, wrote my thesis, and am waiting for feedback from my professor for like a half a year now. Call him from time to time, he says he is busy and stopped answering last week. I have written like 300 pages of poetry, sent it to all publishers i could find, nobody wants it. I have had two exhibitions with my paintings and sold nothing.

All of my life I have lived in one or another ghetto and it feels like I have no chance of getting out. I'm not even sure if i want to get out anymore. Sometimes i walk into the "good parts of town" and be like "where's the people?". I see people work themselves into the grave, and I honestly really don't want to do that. It's like I am in this cage and there is no way to get out of it. Parents are sad, because they thought their boy would be some star doctor and here I sit, fearing starvation and pouring out my tears on raddle. People say I am wasting my life (you spent so much time on that and now youre throwing it away!) and maybe I am. Thing is I don't know what to do. I am kind of on my way to accepting that I might not be able to finish uni and even if I do, I can no longer see medicine as something i actually really want to do. Hospital in city has budget cutbacks btw, so they are not hiring any doctors for now since march for some undefined amount of time, so it doesn't even look like the economic aspect is there. Love the art, but don't think thats gonna pay my rent ever. Love the people who actually stayed in my life, some of which have been more family to me than my family ever was. So at the same time, I really don't want to move again.

Past year had had its ups and downs, but was so far probably the best year of my life. If I could this is how I would want to live my entire life. Free. Meeting a lot of people, exchanging ideas, perspectives, vulnerabilities. Doing whatever I fucking wished. Right now I am barely getting by on tutoring and small hustle. Its just that winter is coming. I see everyone around me getting sadder each month getting more weary for every week of factory. I can see a collective "Is this it? Fuck." around me and in me. Time flies by. Everybody is struggling and in debt and these are our best years being stolen. I see the despair behind peoples eyes, I feel the deeper and deeper wounds we leave on our planet.

And I don't know how to change that. I feel entirely powerless, living the lifetime of a slave among other slaves with no prospect of liberation. And my heart cries. Because you see, the whip does not longer leave scars on your back, now it leaves them in your mind and world. So does the carrot.

I am not even sure anymore why I am writing this anymore, what I was supposed to confess, it probably doesn't matter anymore. But I guess I am saying you know, fuck it. I condemn the entirety of modern society for being shit. For being so fucking content with our slavery. For being so blind as not to see it. For not challenging the basic premises of our chains. For giving up on humanity in favor of administration and consumption. For hurting people, branding them to lives of fear. Fear of god, fear of police, fear of future, fear of failure, fear of them, fear of each other, fear of ourselves. For all the racism, sexism, fascism, capitalism, opportunism, exploitation. For not being honest enough. For not giving an honest chance. For turning our lives into shitty products packed in the form of any social media. For making you want to give up. For all the rapes. For all the cold hearts. For everybody it fucking killed. For all papers it makes you do.

Yeah, I am not giving up. What I want is conflict. What I want is for people to stop just bending over and taking it, pretending they are enjoying it, as long as they get paid some imaginary points. I want a spiritual revolution to happen. I want to throw our current culture to trash and build something new and better, because I know that we can. I want aesthetic exploration, I want to smell the flowers and feel the sun on my skin and grass between my toes. I want to keep learning and growing. I want cultural and medial diversity. I want a culture based on and valuing personal interactions, individuality, curiosity, openness, peace, love, understanding and forgiveness. So now go out on the streets and riot or tear down those commercials or engage in civil disobedience, just do something more useful than reading idiot confessions on raddle.

Sincerely

Timefocus

TL;DR Buhu we live in a society, change it.

PS. Not sure if right forum, redirect me if necessary.

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Comments

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ziq wrote

if everyone rioted everyday, there would be no capitalism left

fuck protests, everyone riot

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Pop wrote

Thanks for sharing! Most of us share your same condemnation of society and modernity.

Just a note, especially if you're a man, please don't go using 'bitches' like this. There are tonnes of other words out there that don't associate negatively with womanness, and given your hatred of the sexism in this world I assume you'll understand.

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timefocus OP wrote

Of course, slipped my mind, english not native or even second language and so forth, changes made accordingly, thank you for your note.

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BADC wrote

so I used to write stuff like this. literally drowned in the loneliness. quit jumping people with a last line like that when i realize i wrote it. it was my limp dick in my hand. i understand.

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