Recent comments in /f/Queer

shootapp wrote

Personally I find Grindr pretty toxic. Now don't get me wrong--it's the best tool out there for meeting guys for fun. And there are some decent people on there. But by and large it's a waste of time. People just lurk and don't chat, and you have no way of knowing whether someone is likely to reply. Once in a while you'll get people who just want to chat forever or collect pics, and either way it never goes anywhere. Sometimes it's because they can't host, sometimes it's because they're just nervous or uncertain what they want. And sometimes they are catfish or flakes. I'm working on an experimental app at to try to fix some of those issues. Of course it's just a hobby and there isn't an enormous "community" like you'd find on Grindr. I wish that there was a site that would adopt some of these ideas and at least present an alternative. There are lots of other apps, but in my opinion they are all Grindr-wannabes. We really need something totally new and fresh.


stealThaInternet wrote

Reply to comment by trashcan in The term femboy...... by 666bore

well, I guess the new generation doesn't really see it that way.

every single word that can identify someone as trans or non-het will be used as a slur. I don't see what the point of classifying them one as worse than the other. I just think the whole taboo word culture around sex (bad or good), is just a manifestation of christian values into the lgbtq community.


StainedMattress wrote

Why do people name themselves anything, I don't understand this new reality at all. If I like an individual, I like them. Doesn't matter the category... to me...


trashcan wrote

Reply to comment by stealThaInternet in The term femboy...... by 666bore

It might have gotten popularized in English speaking anime communities, but doesn't really come from anime and manga. It's also kind of always been used to describe real people regardless of their identity. There's also transphobic and homophobic ideas that are kind of implied by the term.


RainOfPain125 wrote

I don't see anything wrong with the term "femboy" it simply means "feminine male". Of course 99.9% of queer folks wouldn't say being a feminine male is wrong, but its something about the term femboy that is upsetting.

For the person I used to love, they didn't like the word because it was "overused by hypersexual and toxic guys as if whoring themselves out". Which might make sense? idk.


rot wrote

Reply to comment by stealThaInternet in The term femboy...... by 666bore

I've heard/seen it being used to refer to trans woman in a negative way, as in they are trying to tick men into having sex which makes them gay and other transphobic/ homophobic stuff. femboy less so


Ennui wrote

Reply to comment by masque in The term femboy...... by 666bore

You ever noticed how in movies the term tomboy is used for people who eventually meet a male that converts them back to femininity? Romance is fucked up.


stealThaInternet wrote

Reply to comment by rot in The term femboy...... by 666bore

Well, trap has more to do with being "trapped". Usually younger males dressing in feminine clothing, to the point were they are indistinguishable from female and the one being seduced is unaware and 'trapped' into a relationship essentially. It comes from anime/manga, it usually isn't applied to actual people, from my understanding, except those who self-identify as such.

It could be considered offensive for a whole list of reasons, but in a culture which finds sex offensive, anything remotely sexual will be offensive.


masque wrote (edited )

I think "femboy" has either acquired or has always had a more fetish-y connotation based on how it's used in context. I mean, when I DuckDuckGo or Bing search "femboy" the top results are porn. (Google seems to have avoided this, though).

In contrast, the roughly analogous "tomboy" doesn't really have a sexual connotation, nor is it even thought of as a queer identity.


rot wrote

I've never met anyone who hates the term (how's it different than 'butch' or 'tomboy' for women?) but I've wondered if it is used too much like "trap" is used to fetishize feminine men online


Stigmata wrote

It’s frustrating as a gay dude when people, especially those not within the LGBT community come in and start policing my culture. I think people getting offended by terms like femboy fit into that category.

I’ve had straight people explain to me unironically that drag is offensive, and I have to hold back and not tell them to fuck off.

Most of the time people getting offended by this are getting offended on the behalf of others who they think are offended but probably are not. It’s like a competition to try and be more woke and it is super annoying.


Vulgar_Soda wrote

makes it feel like we're a product

That's because we are. It's disturbing, isn't it? That human relationships can be distilled into a few sordid pics and a sentence long bio. It positions "dating" as a marketplace, where your value is determined by bigger numbers. More likes, more messages, more ionizing hook ups, from better marketing of the self, etc. These apps just further amplify all the ills of modern day courtship (in the US, at least), with a hyper focus on physical attraction and status markers. Better work on that personal's resume or you'll die alone!

I wholly reject dating through online means. Well. I did. I want to. but jesus fuck, getting a date right now seems impossible. I'm afraid to get near 6 feet of people. How am I supposed to convince a stranger to give me cuddles and some tongue during a bad Netflix movie? I wonder what the stats are on porn site usage during this pandemic. I would wager porn usage has increased, as we are further alienated from genuine human connection. I started playing a bartender video game just to get my dive bar fix! The simulacrum envelops lonely hopefuls, as a pocket sized sex delivery system on demand turns into the only reliable means of feeding a primal urge.

Every week, I think, this will be the week I finally take the plunge and download a dating app. Then I remember those articles detailing the gross trends from people dating on OK Cupid. Why would I support something that supports white supremacy and the patriarchal status quo? I don't want to be a part of a business model that makes money off of broken hearts and disappointment. and yet, every week, I think I might do it. The bartending game is fun, but I can't go to bed with a digital waifu. ... Not yet, anyway.


RichOldWhiteMan OP wrote

I totally know how you feel. I'm more experienced with other apps like OK cupid. I only downloaded it since I wanted to talk to people romantically with covid and all. Its was pretty awful as I got like 3 matches within a 1 hour away radius which included a major city. All of which ghosted me. Honestly meeting people irl is fuckloads times nicer than apps. Though I'm fine with dating non queer people so that wouldn't be the same for others.

I ended up giving up bc it was just making me feel bad about myself. I even got my hopes up bc I saw a few people that were green anarchists but no matched :(. I think this feeling is the same for most people that use dating apps. Maybe comodified dating is supposed to be shitter. Though thats not hard to do considering that dating in general is pretty terrible.


condensation_arrangement wrote

yeah i get that too ...i guess for me it becomes very cold, what with the stats and looking at it say 200 ppl viewed you today and getting 1 or 2 msgs is kinda demoralizing....feels like im reading hotness data about myself lol

but yea it can go either way: either it reminds u that ppl wanting to have sex w/u isn't a determinant of self worth or it exaggerates that it is

(i also lost faith in it knowing that the founder isn't queer (i think?) and is against gay marriage ...makes it feel like we're a product)