super depression fun time (cw: bigotry within the community)

Submitted by celebratedrecluse in Queer

one of my partners wants to take a break because they feel inadequate to our third partner in our triad relationship. This is because i have a dick, and neither of them do, so the first partner believes our metamour doesn't value their relationship as much as her relationship with me.

they also gaslit me for like a week while saying indirectly hurtful things about various subjects, and when I would ask what was underlying this behavior they lied and said it had nothing to do with me. then, they spring all their feelings on me while breaking off our relationship in one fell swoop. When i ask if they would consider talking with both me and their other partner about this when they collected their emotions, so we can work it out together, they refused to even consider and revisit the subject at a later time.

i'm devastated obviously, but it gets worse. i live with this partner, so it's a problem for me in a very material sense. our metamour also isn't in a great housing situation, living across from their ex who is physically abusive.

the transphobia and internalized homophobia of my partner-on-a-break is really hurtful and comes a bit out of left field. However, they are ex-trans, and have said that they feel they identified as trans out of internalized misogyny, so perhaps I should have seen it coming. What is super ridiculous, however, is that both me and our metamour love my partner-on-a-break. especially I, I've really committed to our relationship. I only consented to the triad on the understanding that my partner-on-a-break would communicate with me, and I with them. So to have them let these emotions fester, refuse to talk about it, and then just ghost both of us ....all because of this false impression that they are not valued because of my body, which i fucking hate.... and then refuse to even tell our metamour, out of this passive aggressive desire to prove they are "right" that our metamour doesn't care about them....

This person harbors serious transphobia, has emotionally manipulated and abused me, and is engaging in romantic self-destruction which frankly hurts us too. I'm really disappointed in their lack of willingness to communicate, work through issues, or let go of their violent conception of me as a man. I'm heartbroken AF, and feel like a dumbass for opening up to someone who doesn't even see me as the girl I really am. When push comes to shove, i will always be that male interloper in a women's space. FML

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yaaqov wrote

Fuck :( I’m sorry this is happening

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celebratedrecluse OP wrote

ikr? anyway, thanks for hearing me out, and expressing solidarity. means a lot, because IRL i have to keep a filter between my raw feelings and what I express, because its such a sensitive situation and I don't want to escalate things in a way that hurts us all unnecessarily.

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yaaqov wrote (edited )

Of course. I’m glad you’re able to air out feelings here that you otherwise can’t yet make space for—I know how confusing, frustrating, or destabilizing it can be when a partner suddenly needs distance in an unexpected way.

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ziq wrote

I'm sorry. I've been in a similar situation and it was hell. Hang in there.

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KacperTheAnarchist wrote

You should part ways with that person. You know the best.

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celebratedrecluse OP wrote

i'm genuinely not sure if this is internalized oppression or not, but my opinion rn is that everyone needs to change and grow at some point in life. i'm willing to work through this with them, if they change their mind after collecting their thoughts and feels, which for now is all they are asking for-- time, and space.

I definitely know i've been there before, needing time and space to react the way I want to in a situation I'm not prepared for at the moment it happens. So maybe things can work out, maybe not. right now it's just a waiting game, it seems to me.

So I'm just gonna give them space and then have a conversation about it in a few days/a week. We still have a functional communication with regards to the housing situation/logistical things, so I should be good for the next few weeks at least.

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