Starting to wonder if my gender identity is actually DID

Submitted by Catsforfun in Queer

Because:

1-there are certain triggers

2- my feminine self can only come out when she feels extremely safe

3- they use diff pronouns and it genuinely feels right/wrong when the right/wrong ones are used for the right/wrong state of mind/gender/whatever

4- I know I at least have cptsd

5- my genderless part is also way more asexual and behaves very different sexually than my feminine part

6- I have always thought it a possibility that its the result of gendered abuse as a child when I was already neurodivergent

I know the label doesn't really matter so much as the experience, except that the label does kind of matter. I'm mindfucking myself & could use some other peoples words to help validate and get out of my head about it

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transtifa wrote (edited )

I mean, being plural is valid, and maybe you can achieve some kind of compromise/decision regarding how you* want your body to be that's secondary to that?

  • Referring to you as a system if you were plural, or you specifically if you are not.
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Catsforfun OP wrote

aww thanks for that sweet validation!!

I'm fine with my body and I wont ever medically transition. But it affects how i dress, and act, and feel, and how I behave sexually and its confusing for other people and I have no concept of how to explain it to other people. I will be talking to my therapist about it this week

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[deleted] wrote

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Catsforfun OP wrote

Ive struggled feeling like my gender is fake sometimes, because.. well, it isn't consistent and people have a hard time understanding nb, anyway. But thats ok, it just never made sense. My triggers make sense to me though, even if involuntarily changing my personality in response to them doesn't.

If I did get my alter/false self/whatever to collapse, then I would be a ciswoman, which also doesnt feel right. I feel nb has the breadth to encompass my experience, even if I dont feel nb 100% of the time and even if it IS just a trauma response. My femme part though, has really been wanting to be seen and I'm worried I invalidate her by claiming nonbinary status. Often, I feel that I have to appease them both at the same time, which is very very difficult.

I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about it, but I have no idea if she has any experience with this.

I really appreciate your vulnerability; its been validating.

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