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ayane_m wrote

I feel vulnerable when I share these things, but I don't mind opening up if it helps another person understand something.

In short, I relate to your post a lot. I'm trans, neurodivergent, and have DID stemming from C-PTSD and abuse. I, my main/core "persona", have a feminine gender identity, and I hid behind masculine alters because I never felt safe to front when I was younger.

I've struggled with DID and gender identity throughout my childhood and teen years. I developed many alters throughout the years to just get me through life, many of which were masculine or male, and some were agender. To make things even more complicated, my alters didn't all have the same sexuality; some were asexual, some were some were androphilic. This was all before I came out to myself as trans, so it added a lot of confusion to me understanding my identity. While I was aware that I would "switch" into a different "mode" in some situations, I didn't know what was happening, and it wasn't until adulthood that I learned I had DID due to the way some of my own memories were inaccessible because some alters were hiding them from me.

I now identify as a straight trans woman and I currently have only one other alter after "collapsing" many of the previous ones. I rarely dissociate these days, but both my alter and I are aware of each other and each other's identities, and we both understand that I'm the main "me".

Gender is weird, and I've found it easier to understand it not as some core feature of an individual, but rather as an attribute. With DID, there are many "personas", all of whom have different attributes - gender is just one of them. It might also help to discuss the issue with supportive people - maybe close friends, therapists, etc.

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Catsforfun OP wrote

Ive struggled feeling like my gender is fake sometimes, because.. well, it isn't consistent and people have a hard time understanding nb, anyway. But thats ok, it just never made sense. My triggers make sense to me though, even if involuntarily changing my personality in response to them doesn't.

If I did get my alter/false self/whatever to collapse, then I would be a ciswoman, which also doesnt feel right. I feel nb has the breadth to encompass my experience, even if I dont feel nb 100% of the time and even if it IS just a trauma response. My femme part though, has really been wanting to be seen and I'm worried I invalidate her by claiming nonbinary status. Often, I feel that I have to appease them both at the same time, which is very very difficult.

I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about it, but I have no idea if she has any experience with this.

I really appreciate your vulnerability; its been validating.

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