I’ve been ready to die for years now...

Life is complicated and it's already hard to just get out of bed in the morning sometimes. I don't think I'd be able to find the energy to die for something.

I'm not ready to go back to the jails, but I'm not sure I'm ready to die either of course. If I had to choose between >5 years and death, I think death might be preferable, and I might choose to die on my own terms. However, as I get older, the years go by faster, so perhaps it wouldn't be so hard to do time. It is also possible to connect with other prisoners on the inside, which is what the state fears the most.

I just don't want to die inside. I also don't have any desire for experiencing more sexual violence, which is something the police threatened me with last times.

But these things, they come when they come. You just try to avoid them, and if you're lucky and privileged, you avoid them. When they come down the pipeline, you deal with them then. I try not to think about the past or future, too too much.

As far as things I am ready to do, my whole life is an attempted synthesis of joy and efficacy. That is what I view, as the best type of praxis. My hours at work, and in doing other undesirable tasks, I try to have minimized, but regardless they are done without regrets for the most part, and for the benefit and survival of me and the people i love. I don't see a separation between my anti-politics, as anarchist and communist, versus the rest of my life. I have tried to integrate them as fully as I can, and I view my life as a cohesive whole, building toward the same goals. I'm just one person, after all, and against the tide of society's pressure I have tried to avoid living double and triple lives. This is why I came out as transgender, and why I have been anarchist identifying and vegetarian since I was young. and it is also why I am open about my perspectives even with strangers, even to a fault you could say, and why I am honest with those I love about who i am and what I am up to.

That said, there are some things which, you cannot tell various people about, for tactical and safety reasons. I wouldn't simply tell you all, or the rest of the internet, for that matter. Honesty is something which comes to those who know me offline. Here, I mostly speak in generalities, and focus on science.

Ready to be called out publicly for my opinions while people like at me and tut with disapproval. Perhaps a scuffle that leaves me with some bruises, a cut somewhere perhaps. At most a broken bone, and even then id shy away from that and probably just aquiesce.

Maybe I don't hold my ideals high enough to want violence enacted upon me for them, but I don't think that's inherently a weak position (not that I'm saying that's what's implied here, just saying in general)

Adventure without compromise insofar as I can.

When I'm not too down it's impossible for me to be fine with death, but I also I often find myself having to accept it in order not to be immobilised. Friends will say that if we go to prison then we will just make anarchy there. There is so much and so little to lose.

Thank you all for sharing, sometimes seems to be very hard feelings. I was thinking I was quite alone to feel like ding inside sometimes. I would be ready to die in a revolution if needed, just want my life to have a meaning. Well, in fact, since I know that we are tracked almost all the time, reading any newspaper, liking stuff on social media will lead me to be catogorize by Babylon as "rioter", I could be spyied on by the cops.