Submitted by FDSisthewokest in Podcasts

I am so immensely grateful to the glorious women at Female Dating Strategy. I am a 40 year old husband and father. Being a leftist political thinker has been a core aspect of my heart and soul since childhood. Being a feminist has been absolutely central to my leftist political values. In addition, experiences with feminist art have been some of the most emotionally moving experiences of my life. My favorite art form is literature, and Charlotte Perkins Gilman has influenced my feminist thinking more than any other person, except maybe for my grandmother, who earned her PhD as a single mother with 3 kids in the 1950s! That was an inspiring story to be aware of growing up. But the reason I needed Female Dating Strategy to save me was that despite the purity of feminist thought In my mind, there was a cancer of misogyny hiding in my sexuality. I’m bisexual and I always have BDSM fantasies in my head when I’m orgasming. FDS helped me realize that the sadomasochism in my fantasies is NOT unchangeable in the way that bisexuality is my unchangeable sexual orientation. And not only are these S & M fantasies changeable, but my survival is literally dependent on me disengaging from relating to sex through these perverted fetish prisms. I suffer from bipolar depression and drug addiction. Of the handful of times when my depression led to suicidal ideation, most of those episodes were fueled by my obsession with the masochistic element of my S & M fantasies. This is where my wife enters the picture. I love her like a John Legend song in a Nancy Myers movie. It’s real true love. It’s an emotional connection that is so powerful that it is more important to me than all the money or success ever could be. What can I say? I’m a Romantic. But even being all in on emotional romance and intellectual feminism, my love for my wife is a Trojan horse, carrying the devil’s attack in the sexual component of that love. I recently finally confessed to my wife that my incredibly deep emotional connection and happiest friendship with her have existed in a completely separate psychological space in my brain from where my sexuality lives. I was intensely ashamed to say this to her out loud, but every single time I have had an orgasm with her, I have been engaging with some form of fantasy that she is not really a full human being who I am in love with, but rather she is nothing more than a sex object for the purpose of male sexual gratification. I have long loathed myself for the quality of evil in the way my fantasy life dominates my experience of my own sexuality. I feel horribly guilty about the sadism in the fantasies. It is identical with the misogynistic sadism in the porn I watch. I think abusive sexual acts like “facefucking” and “gagging”, are the titular head of the toxic cauldron of misogyny and sadomasochism that has been conjured in dating behavior by speech on the internet. I’ve long felt sick to my stomach at the images of violence and suffering portrayed in these porn movies. But I always felt powerless over my obsessional sexual fantasizing about these same kinds of hateful acts, because I felt that my only possible path to orgasm would always come through seeing female sex objects through the eyes of the womanizing dating culture I grew up in. Thank God I was wrong! If I had actually been right about seeing women as sex objects, then I would be justified in committing suicide, because it would mean that the sadistic Goddess who tortured me in my fantasies while I was cunning, that same woman is my actual wife. And she is obviously going to withhold sex from me for the rest of my life while spending all my money. Except that she is not the fantasy in my head. She is flesh and bone and emotion. And even if I’m not mature enough to integrate my emotions and my sexuality yet, that fact does not indicate that I should reduce her humanity to accommodate my narcissism. In the past, I asked my wife to perform for me like a porn star to escape the terrorizing fear of being emasculated. And my insecurity surrounding my fragile male ego is most obsessively threatened in my internal narratives about being inferior to other, more masculine, men who my wife must be more attracted to than me. So by casting her as the potential boogeyman of sexual deprivation, I am setting up the sexual encounter between us to be a tool for me to prove to myself that she doesn’t think I’m inferior. My sexuality approaches the act with an agenda to create memories that promote the narrative that I am alpha masculine man. Female Dating Strategy is addressing problems that any sustainable feminist future absolutely must face head on. Patriarchy will only survive and get stronger and outlast feminism in a battle of attrition, unless misogyny becomes socially unacceptable and sexually disgusting. As long as misogyny keeps getting oxygen from porn, rape culture, fetish communities, fascism, internet trolling and sexual objectification, there will always be patriarchy pervading our societal structures. I believe in feminism exponentially more than ever before now that I have developed this perspective by learning at the feet of FDS. And now I feel myself developing a vision of revolutionary change upcoming in the area of human sexual behavior. This will also be the best thing to ever happen to the institution of marriage, because the mechanism of change in this next feminist revolution will be women having higher standards for what they will accept as a man worthy of being in a relationship with. So the men who become husbands in the end will be of higher value. I hope this growth in my wokeness to FDS level will result in me becoming a higher value husband for my wife by having improved mental health and improved ability to have an emotional connection in a relationship. If I am right about my current assessment of this ongoing dynamic, my ultimate goal is now to dedicate myself to fearlessly embracing the frightening vulnerability that has diverted me toward self destructive behaviors, like drug use and Hate-mongering and sadomasochism. From now on, whenever a feel even the slightest pull toward any self destructive narrative, I need to be mindful and vigilant to catch myself and bring those emotions into that space of vulnerable intimate communication between my wife and I. It will be through those communications that I can live my truth as a feminist in every atom of my being.



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celebratedrecluse wrote

consensual sex is not violence. consensual drug use is not immoral.

navigating consent simply requires communication with others, not internally browbeating yourself for what you feel.

If you're trying to be a better feminist...Instead of condemning your desires wholesale, and framing everything in moralistic terms, I think you should try to work instead on accepting yourself and communicating with grace and dignity. Instead, it seems like you want to repress yourself, which is only going to fuel those desires for most people who try that path. In the end, you will blame your desires for an incident of violence that may occur, when it is in reality your choices that are responsible for the end of the path you are still on.

self-love, rather than self-hate, is the path toward liberation.


IForgotToSayGoodbye wrote

FDS is not feminist... Feminism is the face of anti-oppressive theory in regards to patriarchy and therefore against oppression.

FDS is about oppressing men and raising women to the top of the hierarchy.

There are points of FDS about individual authority that are great, but oppression of men and even other women is the main focus.


Catsforfun wrote

I got banned from the sub by agreeing w the principles that men lie and it's not women's fault therefore it's unreasonable to say sex workers are responsible for making sure men tell femmes in their lives they buy sex like wtf. The podcast is ok tho


bloodrose wrote

Wow, that sucks. It shouldn't be a woman's responsibility to control a man's behavior. Men control their own behaviors. Period.


DeletedButArchived wrote

Yeah, how patriarchy protects men by infantilizing them when they do something wrong its fucked and pretty weird. But like when they don't do something wrong men are completely capable and are far more competent then women. Why can't patriarchy make up its mind lol?

(That question is rhetorical. Its obviously like the justice system. The rules are bent to make life worse for non powerful people and bent/changed to advantage those in power. )


bloodrose wrote

A feminist I quite like once made the point that the same men who say #notallmen are the same ones who will take credit for all men's accomplishments and said if you get credit for all men's successes then you have to take credit for all their failures, too. I enjoyed it very much.


GlangSnorrisson wrote (edited )

Is the podcast as TERFy and terrible as the sub? Cause if so, gross.


bloodrose wrote

Charlotte Perkins Gilman has influenced my feminist thinking

I've literally just started reading Herland and I'm like "oh my god, it's vegan feminist anarchist utopia!! I want to go to there!" On your last post, I almost said "you sound like someone who would like this book." What I loved was the edition I'm listening to came with a massive, massive introduction that talked about Perkins. I was really interested in some quotes of hers that basically labled toxic masculinity. It's amazing how much has NOT changed in a hundred years.

I'm going to try to read the rest of your post later. I can't cope with the lack of carriage returns right now.


Chrisorg wrote (edited )

Hey FDSisthewokest !Don't feel guilty for your sadism or BDSM fantasies. It is normal. If you are having consensual sex, THIS IS NOT VIOLENCE. Don't let your sexuality be closed inside you. Share it with the world and trust me, you will enjoy every moment. Just find the proper partners, and don't be afraid to try new things. Do not close yourself in the box because you will face many psychological problems in the future. You can try] Dating online site for finding partners with the same fantasies. Don't let your sexuality be closed inside you. Share it with the world and trust me, you will enjoy every moment.