I don't contemplate on suicide, when I do I'm usually more scared of missing out on something that I might've enjoyed. So don't worry if this post sounds like I'm on the verge on game ending.

I'm not, but I want to scream and cry yet I can't. It's a public library.

I guess this little panic stems from the fact that there are multiple people in my life I have to satisfy, because if not I get the shit beaten out of me or have the respect I cultivated reduced to nothing. I'm ashamed to have a dad who's putting me through a degree I picked that I don't even like but its too late to change it now so I've been looking at online certificates to get my resume all set up and done and oh dear god its about under $1,000 for each one.

I don't like owing people money. And I don't like being a burden or fucking up. I fucked up to the point that I'm terrified of consequences so I lie to make situations better than they really are but when people find out, they're just more mad.

I think about trying to find some means of living comfortably but also to satisfy my girlfriend, she's sweet but I don't think I do her any favors by having a fear of driving cars and killing the both of us. I think a lot and that's a bad thing. I used to have a friend group but now I don't. And that now puts me on the forefront of my own reality that I don't know what I'm doing. And that scares me. I need to find some space to make sense of the world around me, for not just myself but my girlfriend and potentially a family??? Idk, I just want to feel comfortable.

So I thought, why not just chuck myself into a mental hospital first thing in the next two or three months. Save myself some cash and get some clothes, play up my anxiety as severely debilitating to everything and everyone around me, and then have access to some paper and the internet where I can then make a plan on how to survive without having someone or something watching over me, like disappointed people and taxes.

Then I remembered I have a dog and girlfriend. Fuck. So now what? I'll just stick to the original plan and try to play up some skills. Maybe sell art online for a buck or two? Who knows, I'll try to make enough money to pay for those courses bit by bit, then sell more art or make writing samples off to the side. Maybe?? Idk.