Getting ghosted sucks

Submitted by catachresis in MentalWellbeing

I met a cool person on Tinder last week and we made plans to meet at a park yesterday. Except they never texted me back yesterday. I was excited and now I feel rejected.

This is the first time I’ve been stood up on a date and subsequently ghosted.

Does anyone have any tips on how to get over this?

PS: Tinder, in my recent experience, is not good for mental health. Avoid if you can.

PSS: I need to find a therapist, not whatever it is I’m looking for on Tinder.

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cyberrose wrote (edited )

Delete your account, delete the App and don't come back until you feel well again. If you still have this thing and use it you will get triggered for quite some time.

One more thing: People are often also shy. Sometimes they just don't know how to react. They often do not intend to hurt others. Online dating alienates humans from human relationship.

In general: You have to accept that neither the platform nor (most of) the people see a human being in you when using the App. For the company you are the product and customer in one person; they design the App not to make you happy or satisfy your needs (for human relations), they don't want to lose you as customer and product. Many other people in such App see you also as product, because of this problem. Men have this tendency since they often pay for the usage and the want something in return for their money. Women since they can be picky (there are much more men on such platforms) and often have negative contact with people there.

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catachresis OP wrote (edited )

Thank you so much. I’m totally okay with deleting the app, but I want to give it another week. I’m just bummed about getting ghosted cuz this person is really cool and I was enjoying our conversations a lot. I know they are shy and I want to give them the space to do that, but I don’t know if it’s within my space to message them again saying don’t ghost people, but I want to give you space, but I think ur really cool and I want to get to know you or something along those lines.

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cyberrose wrote

Okay, this also makes sense. Did you try writing the person after that?

Have you considered just trying to continue writing and not meeting in person? Not sure if the other side would write you then but maybe this would help?

Just a last thing: The biggest group in such dating platforms does not search for a partner/love. They just search for (online) companionship to not feel lonely.

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catachresis OP wrote

I sent them a couple texts yesterday asking if everything was okay and if they wanted to try again tomorrow. I’m going to write them something. I just need to find the right words.

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turquoise_hexagon_sun wrote

this has happened to me several times via tinder as well and it rEALLY sucks. idk if you do this as well, but i find that my unhealthy anxious instinct is to replay everything i said to try to figure out what i did to push them away. however, eventually i realized it isn't about what i did at all.

a couple times, these guys actually reappeared weeks later and explained. the reason was always something to do w/ them (not being ready, not being in a place to connect w someone in that way, etc). and i guarantee it's the same in your case. and if they ghost you because they just weren't into it, but they refuse to reject you in a kind/upfront way, that is on them.

i myself have not been able to internalize this yet bc rejection sensitivity is real and fucking awful. but we have to try to remember that being ghosted is not a reflection on us

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catachresis OP wrote

I know it’s not my fault and it’s something with them and that’s why I’m upset. I want to get to know them and give them the space they need. It probably is themselves not feeling ready, like you said. I just want to be able to talk to them more.

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turquoise_hexagon_sun wrote

ohh i see what you mean. yes that is a tough situation because in person there's no real way to just check out of a convo, turn off notifications etc.

i think if it feels right its a good idea to just wait a couple days and then reach out to say that you want to keep talking but also will respect their space. that way you give them the opportunity to tell you if they're feeling socially overwhelmed or whatever. you're not obligated to do that though obviously... and they may not respond but then you will have been honest and open and that's all that you can rly do.

it's such a tough situation and im sorry this is happening to u. i wish it weren't so easy to just vanish. but that's the nature of meeting people online i guess

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catachresis OP wrote

Thank you. I sent them a text about an hour ago. It might have been better if I waited a few days but I I’m feeling better now that I sent that’s last text.

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Hibiscus_Syrup wrote

Yeah it sucks.

I know a few people who ghost people because they psyche themselves out before a date, for a whole range of reasons, so feel free not to let it affect you so much. Some people just aren't on the same trajectory at that moment and you miss them and that's just how it goes. You can just keep doing your thing and the more you're out there the more someone else who might be able to go along with you has an opportunity to show up.

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Monolois wrote

For me Tinder has been a huge disappointment as the lockdowns started. I'm more interested in meeting in person, but now everyone is weary of that (including myself). I've had a few mildly successful dates before everything went down (those dates didn't lead anywhere). Chatting with strangers seems pointless to me without the end goal of meeting. And I feel that ghosting is very common on the app, better get used to it. And don't take it personally, more likely they just get cold feet.

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