Discussion

Trauma from trying to do heterosexual fantasies

Submitted by Possum_Bride in Lesbians (edited )

I still have a LOT of weirdness around sex stuff. I'm wondering if some of that is due to trying to force myself into enjoying heterosexual fantasies. Does raddle have any resources discussing this kind of trauma? I guess some of that trauma is usually discussed under comphet stuff?

So I'm transfem so things are annoying and complicated for me. Asking here because most trans spaces don't discuss comphet shit. Also I avoid comphet stuff because a lot leans into TERF and SWERF stuff and other stuff I have really bad feelings around.

Edit: Yes I've seen contrapoints shame video 😐

16

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

Crown_of_Ice wrote

I look at a lot of stuff through an OCD lenses because, guess what, I have really bad OCD. But from my experience and from talking with others who have OCD, the intrusive thoughts over prolonged, unmitigated exposure do cause CPTSD and can link once enjoyable activities and thoughts to negative thoughts and experiences and cause us to avoid them. So it's very possible for heterosexual fantasies that you forced yourself to have to be traumatizing because they are egodystonic and do not resonate with who you are.

The source being comphet can help you identify where this is coming from and may be the core fear where your doubts and trauma originate. Such as women being desirable to men under patriarchy. It's speculation that would best be handled with a therapist you trust and may have more to with it than comphet. Most of my resources regarding this are framed around mindfulness and attempting to live in the moment to experience what is around you rather than dwell in uncertainty. I honestly am not very good at processing my own trauma and sort of live to accept it, understand it, and attempt to move on. Sometimes trauma isn't even entirely rational so it's hard to understand where it even comes from.

9

Ianthe_Tridentarius wrote

the intrusive thoughts over prolonged, unmitigated exposure do cause CPTSD and can link once enjoyable activities and thoughts to negative thoughts and experiences and cause us to avoid them.

I don't know if I have OCD, but this part really resonated with me. I get intrusive thoughts all the fucking time, especially in social settings, and sometimes it's all I can do to not crumple into a ball and start panicking openly. And I hate it, because it makes me second guess myself constantly, and makes me want to, as you say, avoid things that I enjoy.

Shit fucking sucks and I wish I knew how to deal with the harmful, useless bullshit my brain likes to prod me with.

6

AuroraAustralis wrote (edited )

Yeah trans spaces are not great for talking about comphet, there's some heteronormativity on r/mtf that nobody wants to address. Straight women complain about being "shut out of the queer community" but posts with titles like "dick cured my lesbianism" are just allowed to stay up. I always feel like I'm not being taken seriously as a lesbian, as if it's just a phase you grow out of as you're transitioning. It triggered my OCD and like you I forced myself into heterosexual fantasies because I was convinced I had to "rule it out" before I could dare to call myself gay, otherwise it would be proof that I transitioned for the "wrong reasons". And like you I'm still recovering from it, I posted about it here on Raddle and I got some interesting responses that have helped me.

https://raddle.me/f/transfem/167867/two-years-into-transitioning-and-i-still-can-t-figure-out-my

6

Possum_Bride OP wrote

So I tried het fantasies before I transitioned and was still closeted and in denial which is why things are weird and confusing for me. So it's kind of a hybrid of trauma from gender dysphoria projecting myself into the guy and with projecting myself into the woman having hetero intercourse.

After starting transition. I just felt being a lesbian was small potatoes compared to being trans. Anyhow I always thought of myself as some kind of bi mostly leaning towards attraction to women.

You are right to bring up the whole OCD aspect. So I have a friend with pure O OCD who thinks I have similar issues. It's complicated because I have ADHD and Adderall helped a lot.

But anyhow I read a few books on OCD and the basic idea is don't worry about intrusive thoughts they're ego dystonic and you're not actually going to do them. So the basic strategy with OCD is to identify intrusive thoughts and reattribute them to OCD or whatever. So how I took it is usually I might end up tagging intrusive thoughts of violence with stigma, depression and ruminating. The other thing is exposure and response therapy which is slightly more complicated with more mental compulsions but you can still desensitise yourself to obsessive fears. Anyhow I have been working on my internalized stigmas in a bunch of ways but it's still pretty tough going. I have been making progress though.

Your story reminds me of a few trans women in a discord server I'm in.

Anyhow yeah I'm thinking of like the mental trauma of forcing yourself to whack to het porn basically. It's weird because lesbian porn/fantasies is somewhat accepted for guys but it's just weird.

5

AuroraAustralis wrote

Oh I see, that is kind of different than my situation, though it is nice to know I'm not the only one. Yeah a lot "lesbian" stuff is actually for men, and I'm ashamed to admit that I was a consumer when I was an egg. I think I see what you mean about projecting yourself, I avoided het stuff altogether because I preferred to project myself onto a woman with another woman. I'm still not sure that straight men don't do that, and that makes feel invalid. The point I'm trying to make is that I think a lot of us struggle to understand our sexualities pre-transition, and it can become a weight around your neck going forward. I think it takes time and a lot of patience, and a willingness to forgive yourself but that last one might just be me.

7