My belief system is collapsing in on itself. One source has been reading literature about peace, as well as some of the post-/anti-ideological sentiment going around here on Raddle. It was like a little eggshell, and now it cracked.
My mind is filled with the conflict of thoughts, contradicting and complementing each other in incomprehensible ways. And through it all, Nothing.
Nothing is within, a palpable non-being pushing outwards and trying to break free of the shell of belief. But my material and social existence are pushing it back, like the banks of a river in flood.
To switch metaphors abruptly, the primordial Chaos is a river in flood, rushing through my mind, silty, carrying sticks, things people left out, old pallets, pieces of plastic: raging, but contained. What it wants is to break free of the banks, to shape the world according to its being.
It is always like that, the balance between the river and the banks. But these banks must break. I must break them.
How? I am afraid. My conditions, within and without, material and social, are scary. They are like the stones farmers pile at the edge to keep the river contained. And I must let Chaos push through, and break them.
So interesting, how the Way and what is outside the Way must come together and act in unison. Move what is not the Way, by the Way?