Submitted by [deleted] in CapitalismInDecay
celebratedrecluse wrote (edited )
reading, counting down, or buckling up isn't going to help you feel better, probably.
You need to do some practical things that reinvigorate tu raison d'etre. Your reason to be.
The path of least resistance is what you should take at first. If there are organizers in your general vicinity, start doing small things with them and keep going. They should be actions which require you to physically change locations (out of your room) and physically interact (without stressing any disabilities you may or may not have).
If there aren't organizers in your general vicinity, that makes things harder so look harder for them too. If you're truly isolated from other like minded people, you will have to start on the individual level first. I would recommend creating art installations and putting them up around town, learning a new language and finding online communities to speak it in, even just exercising a little every day will help. If you have reading interests, go for it, but remember that in order to get away from the feeling of immateriality, you will probably have to ground yourself physically in the real world rather than purely in books. So books can only be part of the solution, if you ask me.
Another thing to keep in mind is that it sounds like you might have clinical depression. It's relatable to me. So explore your healthcare options around that, and remember that some days will always be worse than others-- the latter is true for everyone no matter whether they are depressed or not. Don't set unreasonable and unfair expectations on yourself, that you are going to completely transform either society or yourself. When Sisyphus isn't able to push the boulder up the hill completely, he gets flattened when it comes rolling down, so set more realistic goals and be your own person rather than just another Sisyphus.
Sorry that I won't be very specific in my response. I think many of your feelings are commonly felt by all non-conformers in society, and yet many more are endemic to this society; increasingly, this air of cynicism and depression can be properly called a global problem. Especially the last months I think intensified this and the unbearability of the situtation might have disillusioned many others who had last drops of hope in the future under this system. I've also been struggling with unending idleness, dismotivation, and lack of meaning. Theoretically I can say that Nietzsche's affirmation of life really helped me through with this. I can recommend a not-so-demanding secondary read of Nietzsche Nietzsche and Anarchy. On the non-theoretical side, it might help to invent some very small daily activities, anything that could encourage a bit of curiosity, really. Needless to say, the biggest help would be social interactions, and maybe meeting new people in particular, but unfortunately it's much harder to do this nowadays, yet still not impossible.
I spent something like 2 years being depressed and suicidal, and now a year later I'm still digesting and processing that period. I spent most my time either distracting myself from reality (dull cycle of drugs, alcohol, sleep, movies) or thinking and overanalyzing (in an attempt to find meaning in anything, find a reason to live, etc.). When it got really bad I kinda lost touch with everything. My sense of self dissolved, and nothing made sense anymore. I gave up on my search for meaning. For a while I wasn't even able to answer simple questions people asked me, often I just started laughing uncontrollably, and I really didn't feel like laughing.
Now, looking back, I'm not entirely sure who that person was, but I think I understand him better than the people around me at the time. There's a good chance that we're nothing alike, but here's some 'advice' I would give to 2-years-ago-me. Maybe it's useful, maybe not:
Don't try to argue yourself out of depression. The time you spend reading and analyzing (in an attempt to find meaning) may help you better understand some philosophical concepts, but please don't get lost in the details. You don't have to make sound arguments to 'justify' how you feel, and you don't need to know exactly what you want in life. You don't need a perfect understanding of what's wrong, you don't need good answers to the big questions, save that shit up for later. It's enough to know that something is wrong.
Try to spend less time in your head. Try to keep in touch with the immediate, material world around you. (When people suggest meditation, they're suggesting a very similar thing. Live "in the now", whenever you can afford it. You are not your thoughts.)
Allow yourself to fail, focus on change. There's probably a long list of things you'd need to do to 'fix' your life, and you barely have the energy to give a single shit when you look at that list. Most of the items on the list are burdens of the past, and for some of them it may be time to get them out of your life. Instead of trying to get back on track with your old life, try to free yourself from constraints and responsibilities that no longer serve you. Fail at fixing your old life that got you into this mess, and instead focus on exploring your new life.
Reject the language that is used against you. Your 'laziness' is a symptom, not a character trait. You are experiencing laziness, and there's probably a good reason for that. You probably don't wanna feel lazy, it's not fun, so don't take the blame. You wouldn't take the blame for having a migrane.
Get help, if you can. Not the "talk to someone" type of help. Ask people to help you get things done, with them doing at least half the work. That's what you need.