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subrosa wrote

I spent something like 2 years being depressed and suicidal, and now a year later I'm still digesting and processing that period. I spent most my time either distracting myself from reality (dull cycle of drugs, alcohol, sleep, movies) or thinking and overanalyzing (in an attempt to find meaning in anything, find a reason to live, etc.). When it got really bad I kinda lost touch with everything. My sense of self dissolved, and nothing made sense anymore. I gave up on my search for meaning. For a while I wasn't even able to answer simple questions people asked me, often I just started laughing uncontrollably, and I really didn't feel like laughing.

Now, looking back, I'm not entirely sure who that person was, but I think I understand him better than the people around me at the time. There's a good chance that we're nothing alike, but here's some 'advice' I would give to 2-years-ago-me. Maybe it's useful, maybe not:

  • Don't try to argue yourself out of depression. The time you spend reading and analyzing (in an attempt to find meaning) may help you better understand some philosophical concepts, but please don't get lost in the details. You don't have to make sound arguments to 'justify' how you feel, and you don't need to know exactly what you want in life. You don't need a perfect understanding of what's wrong, you don't need good answers to the big questions, save that shit up for later. It's enough to know that something is wrong.

  • Try to spend less time in your head. Try to keep in touch with the immediate, material world around you. (When people suggest meditation, they're suggesting a very similar thing. Live "in the now", whenever you can afford it. You are not your thoughts.)

  • Allow yourself to fail, focus on change. There's probably a long list of things you'd need to do to 'fix' your life, and you barely have the energy to give a single shit when you look at that list. Most of the items on the list are burdens of the past, and for some of them it may be time to get them out of your life. Instead of trying to get back on track with your old life, try to free yourself from constraints and responsibilities that no longer serve you. Fail at fixing your old life that got you into this mess, and instead focus on exploring your new life.

  • Reject the language that is used against you. Your 'laziness' is a symptom, not a character trait. You are experiencing laziness, and there's probably a good reason for that. You probably don't wanna feel lazy, it's not fun, so don't take the blame. You wouldn't take the blame for having a migrane.

  • Get help, if you can. Not the "talk to someone" type of help. Ask people to help you get things done, with them doing at least half the work. That's what you need.


[deleted] wrote


subrosa wrote

When family members took care of one thing I had on my list it was probably the first time in months that I actually considered not giving up on everything else. It felt good.

I would definitely subscribe to your newsletter.

:) <3