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lettuceLeafer wrote

TT

Yeah just about everyone in abusive situation feels really confused and with mixed emotions about it. So ur feelings r pretty normal. And I wouldn't worry no one welcome here is gonna cringe at what u said or belittle you. That's just part of society or whatever we are socially programmed to think it's wrong to be open about your really intimate feelings. When in reality there is nothing wrong with being open about it. Wouldn't you rather feel how u feel no than live ur whole life suppressed and confused?

I won't give advice but I would recommend against the mindset of waiting to do what u want until an a certain negative event. I think it would be better to make an informed decision based on what u want rather than a reactive one. But I totally understand the feeling of why u feel that way. Tho I don't think it's a helpful one to give into.

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Fool wrote

Maybe I am a fool.

Nope, comparatively your resolve seems quite admirable...

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Tequila_Wolf wrote

Based on what you just said, I think you should get divorced. If you're hoping for the guts to leave it means you'll only feel resolute and relieved when you actually decide to.

Take comfort in the fact that you won't be the first person to get divorced and there are people who are less capable than you who have had regular successful meaningful lives after their divorces with kids who love them and an unfucked relationship to the people you care about.

Answering questions of how to tell your daughter is something you have time to think about. There are even books about such things.
Anyway if it were me I would do some significant research about how custody etc works so that you are completely on top of your game there, even if you have to pay a lawyer to take you through things.

Outside of essentially magical circumstances outside of your control, your situation with your partner won't change unless you leave. It's hard to call it. But you know it is done.

The open relationship idea sounds like a pipedream totally detached from reality, its only value is as an escape fantasy. No need to waste your time with it anymore.

It might also be worthwhile to scroll through some of the articles in f/Abuse, since they may help you articulate some of the things that are happening.

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NOISEBOB wrote

show her this thread!

or, if you can't talk to her without it leading to an argument, you need to write her a letter instead.

i'm sorry to read this thread and good luck! raddle is here for you...

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[deleted] wrote (edited )

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NOISEBOB wrote

edit: on second thought dropping a letter and running does appeal to my cowardly instincts.

that's not cowardly running at all.. quite the opposite, i'd say. bravely facing the consequences, good or bad.

:-)

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kin wrote

Sorry to hear that you passing through, hope you get peace. Don't be too hard on yourself, the kid is more important than the marriage if I can give my personal opinion

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zephyr wrote

sometimes a third person can open a dialog between two people who have fallen into the pit of not communicating important feelings with each other which leads to resentment, anger, misunderstanding and worse. i have mixed feelings about 'counselors' but if you think your marriage can be salvaged you might give it a try.

whatever you decide, i wish you well.

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Vulgar_Soda wrote

You got one life (presumably). You decide what to do with it. Not the person you reproduced with. Not the society that punishes you for daring to question a fucked up status quo. I know you know this. So, either take control of your destiny, as horrifying as that seems, and venture into the unknown where the possibilities extend as far as your imagination can take them,

or

continue the farce of a seething, caged existence, where feigned comfort barely hides the rotting stench of dead dreams and unfulfilled desire. Ask yourself: what example would you rather set for your child?

Choose to live on your own terms. Please! Choose freedom. The fact that you're posting this means you're more than ready. Do it. The details will get sorted out, because you're more than capable. You know what you want. Go take it! and then blog about all the drugs and fucking and anarchy and adventure you're doing instead of the boring, soul-sucking American existence currently on display.

As for the kid, I don't have any of my own (thank you Satan), but as a person that used to be a child (I popped out of a vagina once), I so badly wished for my parents to divorce. I could tell, even when I was little and naive, that my mother wasn't happy and that the impositions of marriage were at fault. She diminished herself for the sake of her family, and now that I'm older and wiser (lol), I understand why that is never neccessary. I wish my mother would have lived for herself. Children know what's up, and if yours is anything like you, they'll understand.

Dump the wife (for her sake too, so she can find a fellow robot zombie). Become a legend. I believe in you. Good luck.

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Gardon00765 wrote (edited )

I dont think being in an open relationship and telling her to live with it is wrong. She doesn't put in a equal amount of effort to make the relationship feel worth it so why should she get to hog you all? The kids are what matter like ya said, not some abusers take on you wanting to be loved, im sure the kids would like meeting her eventually too, especially if she listened better than their biological mom

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[deleted] wrote

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Gardon00765 wrote (edited )

I hear ya there. May i ask if ya think its surefire she'd try and get custody a the kid n move out if yall split? If she cares about there wellbeing maybe she'd just deal with it if it was ya wanted? I only say cuz keeping the kid around yall both seemed somewhat important to ya n if she could deal with ya leaving for that somtimes than they could stay with yall both. Divorce is totally reasonable to tho, not wantong to seem like i dont support that as well. Apologies if im enabling fantasies, not trynna be a shithead or nothin, just speakin what's on the mind

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