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Anarcropolis wrote

She's poked fun at her femininity before she came out as trans so that may be what you're thinking of.

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this_one wrote

Maybe. If that is it, she did do it in a way that made me uncomfortable (which I'm sure was not the intention but yea)

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MichaelPemulis wrote

This is a total digression from the main topic here (and I in no way am trying to be antagonistic - please tell me if it comes off that way) but I wonder what your thoughts are on reframing "made me uncomfortable" into something like "I felt uncomfortable?" I found that when I've used the phrase "made me" to describe an emotional response to someone's behaviour - "you made me angry, that makes me upset" - it ended up subconsciously reinforcing a sort of "toxic passivity" in myself. Where I ultimately didn't feel that I had the power to control my experiences/responses to shit which... kinda caused a lot of problems for me. Like when someone gets in an argument and says, "you make me so mad!", I feel like it's both unfair to the other person and also dangerous in that it gives away your agency to someone/something else.

Or maybe I just wrote a bunch of pretentious gobbledygook idk

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this_one wrote

That's interesting, and I do think it is useful, so thank you. I'll try to keep in in mind in the future.

That said, I'm not 100% sure if I fully understand the difference, or what would have been better to say. I will definitely stew on this idea.

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MichaelPemulis wrote

I don't believe in better or worse, just whatever works best for you. I guess in a broader sense, what I was trying to talk about was, well the importance of language in shaping our experiences/identity. A few years ago I found that when I said "that makes me X" as opposed to "I'm Y" or "I feel Z", the "makes me" portion actually had pretty big implications about what I was actually saying about reality. And not just implications, but the words ended up defining my experience and reaction. If someone makes me feel an emotion, I've turned my agency over to them but if I merely experience the feeling passing through - this ties into mindfulness I suppose - I am not creating an artificial power dynamic where someone has the capacity to make me feel something.

I have a feeling, I experience it. And if I slow down enough, I can choose to attach to that emotion or I can let it float away. I don't mean this to sound like Randian nonsense, but I am ultimately in control of my emotional landscape not someone/something else. This idea of taking agency over my inner world was pretty instrumental in my development as a person and helped me find strength to break free from some really nightmarishly shity situations.

Man I've been rambling a lot today