Submitted by Basil in AskRaddle

For me it was this girl I had a crush on on and off for probably three years. She kept leading me on. We dated twice, but it didn't work out. So many hours thinking about her, that I could have spent reading a book or something. If I had read a book every week instead of thinking about her too much, I may well be the most damn well read person on this planet by now

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tuesday wrote

being on the internet, generally.

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Fool wrote

Time, if I didn't have to deal with it, I wouldn't feel so inclined to waste it.

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Styx wrote

For me it was this girl I had a crush on on and off for probably three years. She kept leading me on.

Ngl, and I hope I'm wrong, but this sounds a bit incel-y. Are you sure she was leading you on? Or did you choose to interpret someone trying to be your friend as 'leading you on'?

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Basil OP wrote (edited )

Yeah that's fair. Nah, she was leading me on. We dated twice, on and off, and even when we were on different continents for Uni she said she wanted to cuddle with me and stuff like that, but then would change her mind two weeks later and say that she didn't really want to talk to me anymore, then want to be friends again after another two weeks. I probably should've realized that it was going nowhere, but oh well. There was definitely a time when I interpreted someone trying to be my friend as leading me on, and I regret that time, but it wasn't with this girl.

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bloodrose wrote

I hate the term "leading on". It implies nefarious intent when it could be truly at one point a person felt like being close to you and another time they did not. Without proof of some cunning plan, I would read the events you talked about is someone at one point thinking wistfully about enjoying their past with you and at another realizing there was reason it was in the past and trying to reconnect was not a good idea.

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Styx wrote (edited )

This and plus women are socialised to internalise that their only value is in their ability to attract men and that they should ignore their own desires to give a chance to this 'nice guy' (and every man is a 'nice guy' according to somebody) because ideally, a 'man should love you more than you love him' and all the rest of this patriarchal crap that's really going to fuck with your head, especially when you are young and don't have anyone to sit you down and explain these things to you.

So what I'm trying to say is that this idea of consent -- 'if it's not enthusiastic yes, it's a no' -- applies also to relationships more broadly.

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bloodrose wrote

Preach! The amount of society-wide coercion that happens to women is just mind-blowing.

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Basil OP wrote

Yeah, that's true, and a better way to see it. I guess I'm just still frustrated about it and letting that seep in more than I should. I think I'm having trouble accepting that I probably won't get anything close to closure, that I just have to let it go, which has always been hard for me. But I'm gonna do my best.

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bloodrose wrote

Closure is such a weird-ass control dynamic. It's demanding a narrative that makes you feel good about things ending. And it's demanding that the other person give it to you. Make your own narrative about the way things ended.

Going no-contact after a breakup is super helpful for not continuing to be affected by the end of the relationship. I used to always try to keep things civil and friendly because to me if felt I hadn't made a huge mistake or wasted my time or whatever. But honestly the most healing thing I could do was not be in their presence and not have them reminding me of what had happened.

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Styx wrote (edited )

I probably should've realized that it was going nowhere, but oh well

There you go. I don't want to harp on this because we all went through shitty relationships and did shitty things in relationships. But I found your original post to be a tad too self-victimising and resentful. It is pretty common for people to hold on to their fantasies for all kinds of reasons that almost always have very little to do with the subject of their fantasies.

So don't waste any more time frothing about her!

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Haruki wrote

The real waste of time was OP all along.

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Fool wrote

The real waste of time was the friends we made along the way.

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Basil OP wrote

Hey, that's what my parents called me too!

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LittleHelp wrote

For one, the idea that you can "waste your time" at all is nonsense and I've wasted a lot of time thinking about this nonsense, so this def qualifies as an answer to your question for me personally… Ofc there's very time-consuming things I regret doing, maybe, but the idea that these things were bad to do because they "wasted time" and not for some more concrete reason feels icky

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moonlune wrote (edited )

You can't waste your time if you don't look at the clock 😎

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Archaplain wrote

going to uni, its a massive waste of time since i have to study everything on my own anyway.

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Tecate_Coyote wrote

I held a lot of hate in my heart towards some men that had hurt me. It consumed my entire being for months and it took over a year to fully let go. The hate gave me the energy to be complacent oddly enough. I should have just moved out and moved on. But it was a good lesson.

Its unfortunate but I think we have to sacrifice opportunity to learn. We have to lose friends to figure out how not to lose others. We have to get taken advantage of to figure out how to protect ourselves.

There is this great book "peace in every step" by thich nhat hanh. It has some lovely lessons about accepting suffering, mindfulness, and lots of other little bits. Its helped me a lot after a big break up a couple months ago. I'm not over her but I'm growing a lot.

Anyways, wall of text later, I guess I'm trying to say that time is spent. And we have to accept the way we spent it or we will be inflicting suffering on ourselves that doesn't need to be felt. But we have infinite choices in every moment and so I have to ask- are you reading now?

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ghost wrote

diet culture.

Once you follow the science and the money, you realize how much time and money you wasted on impossible and racist beauty standards, instead of living life and dismantling systems of oppression.

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subrosa wrote

School. Definitely school.

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ChaosAnarchy wrote

School probably

Internet I could at least do something I was interested in or entertained me through the dark times.

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Majrelende wrote (edited )

Civilisation. I spend half my waking time going along with it, the other half fighting it.

Also, especially the Internet, in certain ways. It can be useful, but most of the time it is distracting.

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rot wrote

school, work

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tubers wrote

How is reading a book and spending time thinking about a friend comparable? Those are not substitutes in my mind.

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Basil OP wrote

Mostly I mean that in the end I regretted spending that time thinking about that friend, and I could have been doing something that I would not regret later, like read a book

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