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lettuceLeafer OP wrote

Just commenting in case ubsaw my response that I delted. I thought about it a little bit and I made some claims that I think make sense but I'm not quite confident in navigating the negative dynamics if them to argue it publicly yet.

So thanks for your response I did seriously consider it though I disagree. Its been quite helpful in catalyzing me critiquing my opinion and making it better. So thanks for that even tho I don't like the take.

I think I'll pass on responding to your comment at least for now bc I want to give myself some time to kill stuff over and critique myself before I advocate for some of the positions I initially wrote about.


groovygardener42069 wrote

I didn't see your response

I think it's possible that you and I have a different vantage point for our emotional history and the relationships we've had and that's where this comes from, to an extent.

In an abstract sense, a relationship requires emotional labor from both sides in order to properly function. Many romantic relationships are absolutely unbalanced in that sense, and I could see why someone who feels that their emotional labor isn't being respected or reciprocated might look elsewhere.

That's not an indictment of monogamy in and of itself, that's an indictment of our hegemonic socialization around relationship-building, of which monogamy is only a small part.

In the 21 years since this article was published, there are more tools than ever for finding and building healthy, loving, polyamorous relationships. If you told someone up front that you wanted that and they tried to trap you into monogamy, -that still doesn't give you the right to sleep with them under the pretense that you will remain monogamous-. Do the courageous thing and cut off the relationship so you can find what you're actually looking for, without having to lie to get it.

Or at the very least, if you plan to be a cheater, you have to understand that a lot of people that you love and respect will probably lose their respect for you. That's not unfair, that's people trying to protect themselves from what they see as abusive behavior.


Nuktuk wrote

Why is the burden on the non-monogamist? Is monogamy implied from the start in new (sexual/romantic) relationships?


lettuceLeafer OP wrote (edited )

I think most our disagreements come down to being anti or pro monogomy. I have almost nothing but negative opinions on Monogomy. I view it as incredibly toxic and mildly dangerous.

Monogomy inconvenient for me but for others it can be far more problematic. Considering how basically every cis monogamous man I've met irl like Monogomy for mildly toxicity masculine and misogynistic reason I seriously worry about more vulnerable women in my life who end up getting a mknogomous Relationship.

I'm not saying Monogomy is abusive or anything just that I see it as a risk especially for women or other people vulnerable to negative relationship dynamics.

I think u have no idea how hard it is to find polyamorous people u would want to date. I'm in a situation where it is about as easy as it can possibly be to do nonmonogomy. And it's like the challenges of dating X 5. If it's absolutely exhausting and saddening to me than it's prob almost impossible if not unfathomably difficult for people who already have massive struggles in dating due to marginalized status.

Trans non passing, disabled, not conventially attractive, old, obese, not near a city ect. So I just view saying just do nonmonogonly as out of touch at best and a method of hand waving marginalized people's struggles as non-existent at worst.

Honestly cheating isn't an issue too important to. I don't struggle that much with missing out on feelings of sexual or romantic desire. Nor do I have interest in cheating if I would end up compromising and having to do Monogomy. Its far too much effort for me.