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Stigmata wrote (edited )

An interesting think piece for sure, but it is also really abhorrent in my opinion. I am in a long term relationship and my partner is one of the few things that I feel I can rely on in life. If I found out one day they had cheated on me I don't think I would ever recover, and I think most people feel that way.

The article keeps talking about a relationship as work, and this is true, a relationship takes a ton of effort, but some work is worth doing. If the relationship work feels soul crushing like a 9-to-5 job, then end the relationship and find one that you want to work for.

For some reason the writer also seems to think that there is only 2 options, monogamy or adultery, but polyamory an option too.

The only time I can see adultery being acceptable is in a relationship somebody is forced into, and the partner either is doing the forcing or knows the individual was forced into the relationship. Other than that it is a horrible thing to do. I am all for being counter-status-quo for the sake of being counter-status-quo, but not with this.

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lettuceLeafer OP wrote (edited )

I think the fault in your analysis is not empathizing with why someone would be in a monogamous relationship when they desire to be with multiple people. If it where just so easy to just do polyamory why wouldn't the adulterer just do that? There are many benefits to being able to be open with your partner and doing polyamory that make it far more desirable than just cheating. So I think any analysis that doesn't question and take into account why someone would be an adulterer and what pressured them into being an adulterer rather than be non monogamous will be a pitiful analysis.

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aaaaarg wrote

my partner is one of the few things that I feel I can rely on in life. If I found out one day they had cheated on me I don't think I would ever recover,

what pressured them into being an adulterer rather than be non monogamous will be a pitiful analysis.

I don't feel like you've listened to u/Stigmata

It's clear that they would be deeply upset to find out that someone has presented themselves as one thing when they desired another. That this would feel like a manipulation or coersion.

I don't think anyone is saying it's easier to just be in an open relationship, the cybernetic structure of our society nudges and guides us through the channels of least resistance. But as u/Stigmata says;

this is true, a relationship takes a ton of effort, but some work is worth doing.

Navigating the needs and boundaries of all parties in a relationship is the care work that makes them possible and meaningful. This is just as true for open relationships as monogamous. When someone knowingly acts in a way that will harm someone they claim to care for this is the opposite.

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lettuceLeafer OP wrote

It's clear that they would be deeply upset to find out that someone has presented themselves as one thing when they desired another. That this would feel like a manipulation or coersion.

I agree I just think it doesn't invalidate people trying to skirt restrictions on their autonomy and desires. Lets take the most extreme example hate crimes against women. It is far too common for women who cheat on their partner will get slaughtered. Now the man who killed his wife was for sure hurt by their partners adultery but I won't feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for the poor woman they hate crimed. This logic of mine just follows for many other cases of cheating.

I feel sorry for the people who are put in a position where they feel the need to violate their partners trust due to being oppressed by societal structures. I don't feel that bad for the partner who is upset that they where unable to control their partners social relationships and restrict their autonomy as effectively as they would like.

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aaaaarg wrote

I agree I just think it doesn't invalidate people trying to skirt restrictions on their autonomy and desires. Lets take the most extreme example hate crimes against women.

I genuinely thought you were going to launch into some rape apologia.

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[deleted] wrote (edited )

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lettuceLeafer OP wrote

this is an interesting take. I'm def going to mull it over for a bit.

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