Submitted by totaldefault in AskRaddle (edited )

(A little context for those who could be bothered)

I've struggled with mental illness for a while now and I live in an abusive home where I'm constantly being re-traumatized. Things aren't as bad as they used to be when I was a child. I was almost taken away as a kid but before they could question me they had already contacted my parents which gave them the opportunity to scare me into keeping me mouth shut. I was always told I'm lucky and spoiled to have my parents and that other kids would kill to be in my position. They said that if I told CPS about anything I'd be taken to a home where I would be worse off, that I'd be regularly beaten and raped. So of course being a naive child I was scared of them and told them that everything's fine. Long story short after some events I started seeing therapists and shit where I learned about mental illness and eventually realized that I was (and in some ways still am) being abused. Now I'm stuck in a home where I'm being re-traumatized and abused albeit not as bad as before. Being gripped by anxiety I haven't been able to get a job. I'm afraid to apply. I worry I'm not good enough and even if I were hired, I worry I might not even be able to go regularly since I can barley go to school. Especially now with the pandemic I have fewer options than before. I can't seem to improve myself while living here and almost every day being here is just a living hell for me.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I fear that I'll be driven to suicide or some other terrible event. I thought about contacting an organization where they provide shared housing for teens and young adults in situations like mine, but (for reasons I wont get into) I'd hate to live with multiple random people and I don't even know what it's like or what to expect. I have practically no life skills, my parents want me dependent on them so I'm stuck under their foot. Everything sucks... It's like every option I have is a shitty choice and I don't know which shitty choice to choose.

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celebratedrecluse wrote

It's important to find goals and work toward them. Creative pursuits can be fulfilling when you have nothing else. Consuming media, vudeo games are great escapes.

If you can get a part time job, and can save the money somewhere your parents cant get to it, it will allow you to escape eventually. I would wait until you have 2-3 months rent before leaving.

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asg101 wrote

Learn the life skills you will need, use online resources, take it step by step. Each thing you learn will help build your confidence.

There are organizations that can give guidance and support, find one that fits your needs. Canada just announced an increase of millions in funding for a help line for young people (https://kidshelpphone.ca/ 1-800-668-6868) , because they recognize what a stressful time this is for youth. I don't know where you live but they may have suggestions for someone in your area. No one should have to endure abuse to live.

Good luck!

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exvegan wrote

It sounds like your parents are controlling you and demeaning you to keep you down. You need to stand up to them and demand space and respect.

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