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halfway_prince wrote

we've seen you go through a lot on this site. at least from my perspective it seems like you've gone from 100% fully committed to anarchism (lifestylism, big ideas for mutual aid) to 0% committed. What that indicates to me is there's a fear you have of only be semi-committed - that if you're going to do something you have to go all-in and be the absolute best most consistent anarchist better than all those fake reddit anarchists. Since it's proving difficult to do that and also stay mentally healthy / support your family etc. you've just said "well, screw all of it - i guess i'm a failure of an anarchist so may as well just accept it and deal with what's going on".

Treating a political ideology/movement as a hobby that you've decided you just aren't good enough at to try at all. It's the card you can always play as a white dude of just tapping out of any type of ideology or struggle bc it's not fun and exciting any more and it's easier to convince yourself that you must just not really believe those things, rather than do the hard work of like building a more sustainable lifestyle commitment to something you deeply believe which requires forgiveness and acceptance of your own limitations and mistakes.

I've also had this experience - and what you said about raddle feeling like an old friend that you just can't connect with resonates with me. Trying to genuinely unlearn the worst behaviors in this world isn't about posting the most edgy anti-civ shit on an internet forum. Nor is it easy to dedicate your life genuinely to trying to build / maintain some semblance of subversive lifestyle (where you can support yourself and family but still live out some little anarchies), but it's a hell of a lot easier than the path you're going down - gaslighting yourself into thinking you don't care about the issues you've dedicated hundreds of hours to reading and writing about until your brain turns to mush from the strain of cognitive dissonance (or more likely you turn ultra conservative bc you need to have a framework that can justify your choices).

i'll say what i always say - you need more people around who you can talk to in real life, and you may need to change your behaviors to get along with them. lower your standards if that's what's needed. you need a support system and something to tether you.