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tuesday wrote

I think this is some purity politics and you should be kinder to yourself.

this is, as I understand it, not a job that you're doing because you want to. but because you have to because of familial obligations. you are stuck by circumstances and they suck. but sometimes we're stuck. when you're able to remove yourself from those obligations you will.

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lettuceLeafer OP wrote (edited )

I'm not really stuck tbh, I can just leave and stop at any time but I more don't want to as the personal loss I will feel to do anarchy is so great that its no longer something I want. If anarchy would make my life shit so I choose not to do it even though I pretty easily could I'm not really an anarchist and I think such a label would be silly to cling to. Plus I'm not really seeking to leave or have an exit plan and trying to build one and then trying to live in the present and wait for a better future is so fuck off painful I can't emotionally do that. hence why I will spend my time enjoying being a brutal authoritarian. I'm not obligated to do anything as I'm not dependent on my needs from anything solely. So I can just leave but I choose not to. Its not a question of being unable to stop its more I can stop at any time but don't really have the will or desire to anymore.I think u wouldn't be so nice if u had an idea of the stuff I do all day and how little remorse I have.

Also I'm not really being hard on myself. I'm just stating reality plus I don't value being a good person so being an absolute shit head doesn't make me feel bad. I do feel bad about the social consequences of being a violent mass killer as it negatively effects me but its not like I had friends or anyone who really gives a shit aobut me anyway so its no real loss. Just loss of potential to have friends without openly hiding what I do with like all my time.

Also sure its a job but like we are talking on call, almost everyday coming multiple times a day and sometimes just being at work (working and on break like 10-14 hours). Its a lifestyle that I have watched for my whole life and it does little but cause mass destruction and despair to everyone arround u. And I'm skipping right into it bc tbh, trying to fight for a better world was kinda a waste bc idk, I tried my hardest to make something different for 3 years and I have mad no progress and I"m right back to what has been destined. Damn, talk about a tough guy edge lord jesus lol

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tuesday wrote

I didn't mean like be kinder to yourself like, you should say that you're a good person or whatever. I meant more in the way of being able to give yourself room to be imperfect, which I know isn't going to be easy for you.

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