Submitted by lettuceLeafer in Anarchism

TLDR: Anarchy is what you do within your ability not what u think and considering my capabilities and what I choose to do I'm not an anarchist bc Im actively choosing to go on the non anarchist path. When u manage almost 200 slaves, commit acts of ecocide, kill fuck tons of non farm animals and do massive pollution majority of your time in the day and can literally do anything fucking else but u choose to act like a comical enemy of anarchist and have the resources and ability to do otherwise ur not an anarchist. So I'll stop pretending I am one.

if u wanna reason why tbh, I have no fucking clue why I do this shit. Maybe I'm just so jaded, amoral, and low on ability to give a fuck and will to fight that its an perfect combo for me to do this shit. Maybe I'm secretly to even myself that I"m so desperate for people to support me, a way to feel needed, not alone, resources to have some more autonomy in life and a sense for adventure combined with security that getting back into the slavery game with racists and misogynists is no real problem to me and I don't really wanna get out. tho lets be fucking honest, the reason is irrelevant and I"m not going to try and excuse myself bc the reality is I'm the archy and its ok bc its my archy. You either do what u can or u don't and I wont so thats reality.

Idk, what the fuck is wrong with me or what is going on but its whatever I guess. Idk, maybe I'll be an anarchist today, maybe I'll be one in a month or maybe never. It was an interesting ride and its very strange to notice myself fully becoming what I soke to destroy. U would think I would be mostly distressed or disgusted but tbh, I don't really differentiate between what I do directly and what I am causing by association, immperialism, slavery, civilization and such things. So ehh, its mostly just the same but kinda better in a really fucked up way. Tho, I will say this shit is having a massive massive decline in my character and actions outside of work too. I'm not going to give deets bc TOS violations but fuck idk, yeah thats all I got. Fuck idk, guess I'm not an anarchist.

Tbh, writing this out actually spurred a lot of negative emotions more so than the horrors I enact terrifyingly stoically. Idk, raddle has had a massive impact on my life in many ways and I'm going down a road that I'm just becoming and have already become so distant on a personal level. Its like comparable to having a partner you have loved for a long time and realizing that the both of you have grown so far apart you have little in common or anything to talk about. My ideas in my head havn't changed but my actions sure have which is whats important.

Idk, the label of anarchist doesn't really apply to me anymore. I'm continuing on my path for life, probably on a far far less virtuous path. It was a fun ride and maybe I'll get back on. I ain't got much of an answer to why or anything but its something that has happened and its pretty .... different.

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AnarcheAmor wrote

Your problem seems to be that you made this shit way too complicated and personal.

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ziq wrote

I struggle to decipher your posts but it sounds like you work in animal agriculture.

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lettuceLeafer OP wrote

ah yeah, I just didn't add that because Ive been talking about it for the past couple weeks. Prob important detail too. I also work in industrial ag too

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zoom_zip wrote

When u manage almost 200 slaves, commit acts of ecocide, kill fuck tons of non farm animals and do massive pollution majority of your time in the day and can literally do anything fucking else but u choose to act like a comical enemy of anarchist and have the resources and ability to do otherwise ur not an anarchist

so why do you do it? money? nobody does anything for no reason.

if u wanna reason why tbh, I have no fucking clue why I do this shit. Maybe I'm just so jaded, amoral, and low on ability to give a fuck and will to fight that its an perfect combo for me to do this shit. Maybe I'm secretly to even myself that I"m so desperate for people to support me, a way to feel needed, not alone, resources to have some more autonomy in life and a sense for adventure combined with security that getting back into the slavery game with racists and misogynists is no real problem to me and I don't really wanna get out. tho lets be fucking honest, the reason is irrelevant and I"m not going to try and excuse myself bc the reality is I'm the archy and its ok bc its my archy. You either do what u can or u don't and I wont so thats reality.

this just sounds so confused. you don’t just one day wake up and start taking actions that are inconsistent with your beliefs, but sometimes people get trapped in patterns that are inconsistent with their beliefs for reasons outside of their understanding. it seems like you can recognise that you are in a fucked up position, doing fucked up things by choice; you can see them as fucked up things, but you don’t want to change for some reason and can’t figure out why that is. and don’t want to figure out why, because it’s easier to throw your hands up and shrug and say “oh well, guess i am just slime”.

My ideas in my head havn't changed but my actions sure have

this is dissonance. if your actions don’t align with your ideas, then change your actions. if you’re holding onto the actions that don’t align with your ideas then either the ideas aren’t as important to you as you maybe think, or there’s something else pulling you to act in whatever way.

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lettuceLeafer OP wrote

idk, I am someone who does things and is motivated and does things for completely different things than u. So idk, u seem to be assuming I'm upset or want to change when the reality is I don't actually care too much and don't really have a problem doing the unidealistic thing if it benefits me. I've been pretty open that I don't care about being nice, being ethical and mostly am just looking out for myself. So it should be no real surprise that I step back from anarchy when in a situation where doing anarchy would be something that makes my life worse for some other purpose such as virtue or ethics or whatever

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zoom_zip wrote

i wasn’t sure if this was some kind of “we live in a society” performance art. but yeah if you literally don’t care, would you be a cop if it benefitted you? would you be a fascist? be a politician? join the military?

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lettuceLeafer OP wrote

nah because all those things is just choosing to be ruled more (dear leader, the populous, police chief and millitary generals respectively). But like this isn't a suprise I"ve spent plenty of time on this site on the benefits of stock ownership (i.e. profiting from owning companies that do stuff like drill oil, build bombs for US millitary and slavery ect). I think its a poor idea now ovi but like for self interested reasons rather than virtuous ones.

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zoom_zip wrote

so

you want as much liberty for yourself as you can get, but you're fine with taking it from others, exploiting others, or doing whatever in order to get it?

like, maybe i'm not getting it, but the way you are describing yourself, you are just describing like 90% of the world population. "i just want to get as much good for myself, and fuck whatever gets trampled behind me along the way"

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lettuceLeafer OP wrote

No u get it. If I can't be fucked to try and minimize hierachy then I'm not really an anarchist.

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tuesday wrote

I think this is some purity politics and you should be kinder to yourself.

this is, as I understand it, not a job that you're doing because you want to. but because you have to because of familial obligations. you are stuck by circumstances and they suck. but sometimes we're stuck. when you're able to remove yourself from those obligations you will.

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lettuceLeafer OP wrote (edited )

I'm not really stuck tbh, I can just leave and stop at any time but I more don't want to as the personal loss I will feel to do anarchy is so great that its no longer something I want. If anarchy would make my life shit so I choose not to do it even though I pretty easily could I'm not really an anarchist and I think such a label would be silly to cling to. Plus I'm not really seeking to leave or have an exit plan and trying to build one and then trying to live in the present and wait for a better future is so fuck off painful I can't emotionally do that. hence why I will spend my time enjoying being a brutal authoritarian. I'm not obligated to do anything as I'm not dependent on my needs from anything solely. So I can just leave but I choose not to. Its not a question of being unable to stop its more I can stop at any time but don't really have the will or desire to anymore.I think u wouldn't be so nice if u had an idea of the stuff I do all day and how little remorse I have.

Also I'm not really being hard on myself. I'm just stating reality plus I don't value being a good person so being an absolute shit head doesn't make me feel bad. I do feel bad about the social consequences of being a violent mass killer as it negatively effects me but its not like I had friends or anyone who really gives a shit aobut me anyway so its no real loss. Just loss of potential to have friends without openly hiding what I do with like all my time.

Also sure its a job but like we are talking on call, almost everyday coming multiple times a day and sometimes just being at work (working and on break like 10-14 hours). Its a lifestyle that I have watched for my whole life and it does little but cause mass destruction and despair to everyone arround u. And I'm skipping right into it bc tbh, trying to fight for a better world was kinda a waste bc idk, I tried my hardest to make something different for 3 years and I have mad no progress and I"m right back to what has been destined. Damn, talk about a tough guy edge lord jesus lol

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tuesday wrote

I didn't mean like be kinder to yourself like, you should say that you're a good person or whatever. I meant more in the way of being able to give yourself room to be imperfect, which I know isn't going to be easy for you.

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ChaosAnarchy wrote

I mean... you can always have a change of heart. You know, there could be moments in the future where it outweighs the evil actions in the past you did. A silly example could be infiltrating in the last spaceship to leave earth and let every anarchists in you can find, etc :p

I also heard there were fascists/dictators that used to know what individualism-anarchism is. I suppose if you know how power works properly by it being criticized, you could also use it in your way. I just guess it's a sad way of the living intelligence to let it be wasted like this instead of having everyone be autonomous in their life.

For example Kropotkin used to be a person coming from a rich family as well. There's always a point where you can stop associating with those kind of beings and "do the right thing", I suppose.

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halfway_prince wrote

we've seen you go through a lot on this site. at least from my perspective it seems like you've gone from 100% fully committed to anarchism (lifestylism, big ideas for mutual aid) to 0% committed. What that indicates to me is there's a fear you have of only be semi-committed - that if you're going to do something you have to go all-in and be the absolute best most consistent anarchist better than all those fake reddit anarchists. Since it's proving difficult to do that and also stay mentally healthy / support your family etc. you've just said "well, screw all of it - i guess i'm a failure of an anarchist so may as well just accept it and deal with what's going on".

Treating a political ideology/movement as a hobby that you've decided you just aren't good enough at to try at all. It's the card you can always play as a white dude of just tapping out of any type of ideology or struggle bc it's not fun and exciting any more and it's easier to convince yourself that you must just not really believe those things, rather than do the hard work of like building a more sustainable lifestyle commitment to something you deeply believe which requires forgiveness and acceptance of your own limitations and mistakes.

I've also had this experience - and what you said about raddle feeling like an old friend that you just can't connect with resonates with me. Trying to genuinely unlearn the worst behaviors in this world isn't about posting the most edgy anti-civ shit on an internet forum. Nor is it easy to dedicate your life genuinely to trying to build / maintain some semblance of subversive lifestyle (where you can support yourself and family but still live out some little anarchies), but it's a hell of a lot easier than the path you're going down - gaslighting yourself into thinking you don't care about the issues you've dedicated hundreds of hours to reading and writing about until your brain turns to mush from the strain of cognitive dissonance (or more likely you turn ultra conservative bc you need to have a framework that can justify your choices).

i'll say what i always say - you need more people around who you can talk to in real life, and you may need to change your behaviors to get along with them. lower your standards if that's what's needed. you need a support system and something to tether you.

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RatifyGuy1776 wrote

If we require that people not benefit from the present way of things in order to take it seriously when they say they want things to change, we have to believe that nobody in this whole world would take a loss because it's the right thing to do. We are saying that all reasoning is motivated, that convincing people of anything is meaningless, because they will only accept what their station validates.

I prefer to think things will get better someday. They'll probably get worse first, but I believe people can learn.

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Gardon160 wrote

how many people were banned for pointing this out in the past? How many times was badjacketing claimed even though you now openly admit to it?

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