Submitted by Catsforfun in Accountability (edited )

theyve been doing it for years. I can identify 4 victims including myself, several i couldn't. some were randos in stores, as recent as yesterday.

they had one assault they prepetrated that they have sort of dealt with, i helped then a little w accountability (admitting it and processing a bit, but i had to catch them in the lie first) and they are supposed to see a therapist soon. they find the event hard to talk abt.

I'm not on good terms w the other victims of the creepshots and dont want to see it go carceral anyway, but idk how to deal with this when he denied it before and i believed him. i would now too if it had all added up and I hadn't gone thru the whole phone. its porn addiction. albums of bell delphine and soooooooooooooooo many random insta screencaps. like the photos is 99% egirls.

no idea what to do when he gets so defensive i get scared and is such an adamant liar. He has gotten verbally abusive w me before on several occasions.

wwyd? I actually believe in this person deep down...

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no_ wrote

theyve been doing it for years.

they are supposed to see a therapist soon

they find the event hard to talk abt

Weird how they can't talk about their action yet have no problem doing them. Unfortunately I doubt they will see a therapist and even if they do, it doesn't guarantee progress.

when he gets so defensive i get scared and is such an adamant liar

He has gotten verbally abusive w me before on several occasions

Too many red flags. Personally, I would get out of that relationship.

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Catsforfun OP wrote

they are my friend and i care about them and they have helped me out a lot. I'm kind of reliant on them rn but I will address it wen i am more free and stable. I dont know if i shold turn it over to the victims or not, i dont talk to any of them. I don't think a sentence would help my friend. I don't know what helps sexually addictive behavior.

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GlangSnorrisson wrote

Definitely watch out for your own safety first. They seem abusive and you need to be sure they won’t hurt you before you do anything.

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no_ wrote

I get that you want to give back but things aren't equivalent and you should never give with the expectation to get something back. You shouldn't feel the need to help someone that lies and verbally abuses you just because they help you out before.

At this point I have no idea if you should reach to the other victims because it sounds like it could put you in danger.

Taking what I assume to be suggestive pictures of random people is far more than a sexual addiction.

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southerntofu wrote

Sorry you have to go through this. Remember you are not responsible for your partner's misbehavior, and if at any time the burden is too hard to carry, remember to take some time and mental space for yourself.

idk how to deal with this when he denied it before and i believed him

They (he?) sounds dishonest with you. That's not a good basis for a healthy relationship. Being reluctant to discuss one's distant shady past (including hurtful behavior) is one thing i understand, but openly lying to you with their present activities is in my view pure manipulation.

albums of bell delphine and soooooooooooooooo many random insta screencaps

This kind of filter-distorted view of femininity as docile catgirlness is part of the cishet-normative patriarchy. Your partner may be addicted to porn, but to a certain kind of porn apparently (disclaimer: i have just "googled" it, not seen actual clips). From what i can see this type of content feeds into a narrative of sexy defenceless passiveness, which in my view echoes what you stated about creepshots.

If their view of the world (and of the women) is that of Instagram's cat girls, your partner has serious shit to work through to become a better person. I don't doubt they'll be capable of it given time and a good environment, but that cannot be achieved from one day to the next and you have to remember it's not your responsibility to take them there if you don't feel like it.

I understand that you have emotional attachment to this person and you may want to support them, and that is entirely valid. But the alternative is equally valid (at any point in time) to abandon them for the shit they've put you (& others) through if the burden is too heavy.

He has gotten verbally abusive w me before on several occasions.

This may be a good sign of a line not to cross. If they've been (he?) verbally abusive to you before, but are working on that, upcoming verbal abuse can be the line to draw to ring alarms and abandon ship, now that you know they've been manipulating you for a while. I believe you should not be afraid of a person you love (except in particular circumstances not related to your relationship).

wwyd?

"Social distancing". I won't insist to know about a comrade/neighbor's past, because everyone can make mistakes and learn something. But people who lie to me in the present raise an immediate red flag to me. Usually, these people don't like to be confronted about their lies and me confronting them triggers some further manipulative/violent behavior, which furthers me taking distances. Personally, i'm very tolerant about people loosing their shit in some ways, but if i can't trust a word out of their mouth, i just walk away. My two cents

I actually believe in this person deep down...

We all have good parts deep down. I'm not arguing that your partner is a "bad person". Hell i don't even think i believe in bad persons, as i've seen so many "good persons" turn bad (and vice-versa) given a certain set of circumstances. What i believe as human beings we have the capacity to bring out the best or the worst among ourselves, and as anarchists we should create collective spaces/environments in which the best can flourish, and the worst can be sabotaged and chopped to pieces (and burnt in a fire) or left to rot.

I wish you all the best. You sound like a cool person with a lot of empathy, please don't let emotional vampires suck your humanity <3

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Hibiscus_Syrup wrote

A person has to be pretty deeply and multiply misogynist to do something like that. The kind of work that he would have to do on himself to not be bad to people is a huge amount.

Whether a person is good deep down is unfortunately not what's important here, imo. And you can't put it on anybody but him to make things better, unless you are both an emotional genius and want to dedicate your full-time life to that. And then you're still likely to fail and also become a victim.

That's my experience, at least, which is substantial and considered.

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celebratedrecluse wrote

bail on this doomed relationship before it does further harm to you.

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mofongo wrote

Being required to only have a feature phone while in public may help prevent him taking creep shots from strangers.

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