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extremecouponing OP wrote

It bothers me because I know I have talked with people before who do consider it to be ableist, and I would rather just cut that potentially hurtful language out of my life, than unknowingly harming others. My feeling is, better safe than sorry, ya know? It also hurts a little bit bc my partner doesn't entirely trust me on that, but I understand why she doesn't too. Not really looking for the party line, although that's a valid concern, more just looking for more resources to educate myself

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[deleted] wrote

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RadicalConstructivist wrote

Trying to get someone else to follow some behavioral norm that you don't even get yourself is pretty odd.

Isn't the whole point of this thread to help them understand it? What are you even trying to say

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[deleted] wrote

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extremecouponing OP wrote

I did say, "It bothers me because I know I have talked with people before who do consider it to be ableist"

I could have maybe made that a little bit more clear, but I do know people who consider these words to be harmful. I wouldn't necessarily call them friends, but a few different former comrades of mine have found this word to be personally harmful.

I'm also literally asking here so that I can understand. I'm not enforcing behavioral norms, nor am I full on upset with my partner, just have mentioned to her that I understand those words to be ableist, but do not entirely understand why, which again, is why I'm here asking about it right now. Just because I don't understand the history, doesn't mean I can't tell her about the people I know who take personal offense to those words, and that I personally understand it to be ableist. I'm not starting a fight with my partner over this or otherwise manipulating/gaslighting her. Just relaying the information I have currently, with the understanding that more info is probably good in this situation

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extremecouponing OP wrote

It does personally bother me though. That's like saying because I'm white and straight hearing racial or homophobic slurs doesn't personally bother me either, but it does, because hearing people use those harmful words, especially towards others, hurts. It reminds me of all the pain and oppression in the world and how deeply ingrained it all is and it just tugs at my soul a little bit whenever I hear someone use ableist language as well

It's called empathy sweaty /s

I do understand it's kind of odd to enforce behavioral norms that I don't understand, but that is literally what I am trying to do right now, understand. I already know that it hurts some people, so now I am trying to understand so that I can speak to it better

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[deleted] wrote (edited )

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RadicalConstructivist wrote

If you had multiple gay people tell you they think homophobic slurs are a problem, but didn't full understand why, would it not be reasonable to refrain from using them out of respect for them? Or, at the very least until you have a better understanding of it? You might then find that, having a vague idea that homophobic slurs are harmful, you get bothered when your partner keeps using them. What might you do in that situation? Perhaps you'd make a thread in a space that claims to be for gay liberation asking about it, only to find some smug git jumps on you about how your basic respect for and desire to understand the perspective of those people is just "moralism" and "towing the party line".

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